


BAU Group Text

by TobiasHankel



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Around Season Four, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Casual Sex, Crack, Euphemisms, F/M, Funny, Gay Panic, Gen, Hints at Jemily, Hotch is also a simp, Humor, M/M, Marijuana, Morgan has a crush, Morgan is a simp, Oblivious Spencer Reid, Past Drug Use, Pictures, Recreational Drug Use, Sarcasm, Secrets, Slow Burn, Spencer is a mystery, Tattoos, Team Bonding, Team as Family, Teasing Hotch, Texting, Who has Spencer NOT hooked up with?, Who let these people into the FBI?, group text, just for fun, text fic, too many sex jokes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 42,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23530018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobiasHankel/pseuds/TobiasHankel
Summary: Penelope Garcia starts a group text for the members of the BAU. They all share and learn more about their resident genius. Light-hearted text fic with far too many dirty jokes.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Hinted at
Comments: 1063
Kudos: 2238
Collections: Kudos folder





	1. What is this?

**Author's Note:**

> I have been really into text fics lately so I figured I would try one. I needed a break from the angst of my other fics. Let me know what you think!
> 
> This fic's rating went up from T to M because of dirty jokes and discussion about sex. Probably still suitable for teens, but just in case.

**BAU Group Chat created by Penelope Garcia**

**Contacts added: Aaron Hotchner, Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, David Rossi**

**05:46 PM**

**Penelope Garcia** : HEY!! :D

**Derek Morgan** : Baby Girl? What is this?

**Emily Prentiss** : Really PG? We JUST left work!

**Spencer Reid** : Is there a case?

**Penelope Garcia** : No Boy Wonder, no case. We need a group chat!

**Derek Morgan** : But.. why?

**Penelope Garcia changed Derek Morgan’s name to Hot Chocolate**

**Hot Chocolate changed Penelope Garcia’s name to Baby Girl**

**Hot Chocolate** : NM this I like!

**Baby Girl** : See! This way we can all keep in contact with each other!

**David Rossi** : We see each other every day.

**Aaron Hotchner** : Just do not put work information in this group chat and I don’t care.

**Baby Girl changed David Rossi’s name to The Italian**

**Baby Girl changed Aaron Hotchner’s name to Bossman**

**The Italian** : Sto diventando troppo vecchio per questo.

**Hot Chocolate** : What?

**Spencer Reid** : He said he is getting too old for this.

**Hot Chocolate** : Kid, when in the hell did you learn Italian?

**Spencer Reid** : When Rossi joined our team. I heard Emily and Rossi taking in Italian and I wanted to be nosey, so I learned it within a week.

**Baby Girl changed Spencer Reid’s name to Boy Wonder**

**Boy Wonder** : Thanks -_-

**Emily Prentiss** : Wait! You could understand us?!

**Boy Wonder** : Yep. You two gossip a lot.

**Emily Prentiss** : Damn LOL

**Baby Girl changed Emily Prentiss’s name to Em**

**Baby Girl changed Jennifer Jareau’s name to JJ**

**Baby Girl** : Where is JJ?

**Boy Wonder** : She mutes her phone now that she is on maternity leave.

**06:18 PM**

**Hot Chocolate** : I am bored! Someone come to Club Starlight with me tonight!

**Baby Girl** : Can’t. I am hanging out with Kevin.

**Em** : I just don’t want too.

**Hot Chocolate** : Lame! >:(

**Hot Chocolate** : What about you Pretty Boy?

**Boy Wonder** : No thanks. I am working on a research paper. 

**Baby Girl** : Paper? You aren’t in college anymore pumpkin.

**Boy Wonder** : Well actually I am, almost done with my BA in Philosophy. This is a favor for a friend. It is for a scholarly journal.

**Bossman** : Reid, let me know when you finish this degree so I can add it to your file. And congratulate you.

**Em** : This degree? Reid, have you been adding more degrees to your belt without telling us?

**Hot Chocolate** : Wait, friend? Female friend?

**Boy Wonder** : One person at a time! Hotch, yes sir. I should be done in the next few months.

**Boy Wonder** : Emily, yep. I enjoy learning and many colleges allow me to do distance learning and test out of classes.

**Boy Wonder** : Morgan, why does their sex matter?

**Em** : Whattt? What other degrees have you gotten?

**Hot Chocolate** : Ohhhhh there is sex involved?

**Boy Wonder** : Not anymore, that is not what I meant though. Sex, the categories into which humans and most other living things are divided on the basis of their reproductive functions. Unlike gender, which is considered with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones.

**Boy Wonder** : Emily, do you mean doctorates? I have five now. Finished my doctorate in Literature a few months ago. Now I have one like my mom :)

**Hot Chocolate** : Wait WHAT?

**Boy Wonder** : What part confused you? My mom has her doctorate in Literature. She used to be an Ancient Literature professor at the University of Nevada.

**Hot Chocolate** : Not that! I mean you used to have sex with this “Friend” of yours?!

**Boy Wonder** : Yes. I said that. I am confused..

**Baby Girl** : Honey, he is surprised that you were in a sexual relationship with this friend of yours and you never told us.

**Boy Wonder** : Oh. Sorry. I don’t feel the need to share that part of my life.

**Hot Chocolate** : Soooooooo.. Tell us about her! What is her name? Where did you two meet? How long did you date her for?

**Boy Wonder** : One question at a time Morgan! His name is Andrew. Met at a lecture at Georgetown. We never actually dated.

**Em** : WOAH

**Hot Chocolate** : I have so many more questions now…

**Baby Girl** : OMG why did you never tell us that you are gay?? You know we support you!

**Boy Wonder** : I am bisexual, not gay but it’s just not something I feel the need to announce. I didn’t hide it on purpose.

**Hot Chocolate:** So you are writing a paper for a man that you had a one night stand with?

**Boy Wonder** : I don’t understand why you have so many questions, Morgan. It is also not your business. 

**Em** : He is just curious Reid. We just found out that our virginal best friend, not only has a sex life but also shares that sex life with men.

**Boy Wonder** : Ughhhh. Why does everyone think I am a virgin.. Okay. He wasn’t a one night stand. We had casual sex which stopped when he got into a committed relationship. We are still friends and I am co-authoring it. I enjoy writing papers.

**JJ** : What’s the paper about?

**Baby Girl** : JJ! How is my sweet little Godson?

**Boy Wonder** : Hey JJ. Bifurcation Theory.

**JJ** : Colicky AF. I finally got him down and I am going to rest.

**Em** : Sleep well! What is that Reid?

**Boy Wonder** : What is AF? 

**Boy Wonder** : A mathematical study of changes in the qualitative or topological structure of a given family, such as the integral curves of a family of vector fields, and the solutions of a family of differential equations.

**JJ** : As Fuck, Spence LOL XD

**Hot Chocolate** : Wait a damn minute now! Are we just going to ignore the fact that the kid had a casual sexual partner?! :-O

**Boy Wonder** : Yes. Please do.

**Baby Girl** : Not a chance Pretty boy! You have been giving me hell forever for hooking up with people from the club and you had your own little side piece?!

**Boy Wonder** : …….

**Hot Chocolate** : WAS THIS ANDREW EVEN THE ONLY ONE??

**Boy Wonder** : ….. Got to go! Bye!

**The Italian** : Let the kid have his private life.

**Baby Girl** : Ohhh are you jealousss my Chocolate Six-Pack?

**Em** : LOL someone is totally jealous!

**Hot Chocolate** : Screw you guys!

**Bossman** : Anyone else not surprised about Reid keeping his sex life a secret?

**The Italian** : Not at all. Prentiss you owe me $20.

**Em** : $10! You said he was gay! You were only half right!

**Baby Girl** : I officially need to know more about our little genius’s life.


	2. High School

**BAU Group Chat**

**Saturday 10:46 AM**

**Baby Girl** : What is everyone doing this weekend?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Working on a property of mine. I was supposed to go to my 15 year high school reunion, but I changed my mind.

 **Em** : Why? I went to my 10 year one and ended up having a blast!

 **Baby Girl** : No way in hell I would go to my high school reunion!

 **Boy Wonder** : Same.

 **Em** : Well Genius, you graduated at 12. You would have had your 10 year reunion when you were just joining the BAU at 22.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I just don’t feel like it and I don’t understand why they are having a 15 year one. But I don’t really talk to anyone I went to high school with anymore. If I go all the way to Chicago, it would be to visit my ma and sisters.

 **Em** : I understand that but still. You could show off what a big bad ass FBI agent you are now XD LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : They did send me a picture of myself from my senior year yearbook, anyone wanna see what a cutie I was?

 **Boy Wonder** : No.

 **Baby Girl** : Hush! I do!

 **Hot Chocolate** : 

**Hot Chocolate** : Wasn’t I just the sexiest!

 **Boy Wonder** : Still no.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Shut it kid!

 **Em** : You with hair! I AM DYING LOL

 **Baby Girl** : You have always been sexy my sculpted Adonis

 **JJ** : Not bad Derek. I think I look pretty much the same.

 **JJ** : 

**Em** : That is soooo cute JJ! You look all innocent and sweet.

 **Boy Wonder** : You look nice JJ.

 **Baby Girl** : No way I can share mine now! I LOOKED RIDICULOUS!

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am sure you looked as good as always Mama.

 **Baby Girl** : I looked angry AF for some reason.

 **Em** : If you share yours I will share mine!

 **Baby Girl** : Deal!

 **Baby Girl** : 

**Em** : OMG YOU LOOK PISSED!

 **Hot Chocolate** : HAHAAHHA OMG MAMA WHY??

 **Baby Girl** : I don’t even know! Probably just a side effect of my too thin 90’s eyebrows.

 **Boy Wonder** : It’s not that bad Garcia.

 **Baby Girl** : Thanks Sugar. Emily your turn!

 **Em** : Damn okay. Just FYI, I had just chopped all my hair off in my bathroom a few nights before.

 **Em** : 

**Baby Girl** : You look so pretty! I love the short hair look on you!

 **Hot Chocolate** : You look lesbian as hell LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : People can’t look like a defined sexual attraction, Morgan.

 **Bossman** : Do you guys have lives?

 **Baby Girl** : This is my life G-man!

 **Em** : Let’s see it Hotch. Where is your senior picture?

 **Bossman** : Do you really think I just have that picture on my phone?

 **Baby Girl** : I can look it up for you!

 **Bossman** : Great.. Go ahead, I don’t care.

 **Baby Girl** : Yay! One minute.

 **Em** : Look up Rossi’s and Reid’s while you are at it!

 **Boy Wonder** : No.

 **The Italian** : I am busy rn. Go ahead.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Come on Reid! Have some fun.

 **Boy Wonder** : My senior photo is not fun.

 **Baby Girl** : I found Hotch!

 **Baby Girl** : 

**Em** : That hair! LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : Hotch was walking around looking like one of the Beatles LOL XD

 **Bossman** : Yeah.. It was popular then.

 **Em** : Sureee Ringo LOL

 **Baby Girl** : I found Rossi’s! It’s so weird!

 **Baby Girl** : 

**Em** : Why does his ears look so big though LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : OMG that is weird..

 **Boy Wonder** : How does he look weird? He just looks young.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Reid it’s your turn!

 **Boy Wonder** : No.

 **Baby Girl** : Come on! It will only take me a minute to look up.

 **Em** : It’s fun! I really wanna know what you looked like at 12 LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : If you saw it, you would understand why it’s not fun.

 **Baby Girl** : I am sure you looked super cute!

 **Boy Wonder** : Fine. Go ahead but I warned you.

 **Em** : Yay!

 **Baby Girl** : Oh my poor baby.

 **Hot Chocolate** : What is it, Baby Girl?

 **Baby Girl** : 

**Hot Chocolate** : Reid, man. Are those bruises? A black eye??

 **Boy Wonder** : Yep. I was a 12 year old child prodigy in a public Las Vegas High School.

 **Em** : Damn.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Your lip looks busted too..

 **Baby Girl** : You look so sad..

 **Em** : I love the Boy Meets World hair though.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t know what that is.

 **Baby Girl** : Is that a Fresh Jive shirt? LOL I would have never guessed you were into street fashion.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t know what that is either.

 **Baby Girl** : It is an alternative brand that does more rebellious clothes, like shirts that say, “What the Fuck is going on right now?” or “Fear No God”

 **Boy Wonder** : I just bought it because it was three dollars at the Goodwill. I didn’t make much money at the time, so I didn’t dress the best. It was not a priority though.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Sorry man.

 **Boy Wonder** : Why? What did you do?

 **Em** : Garcia, find some pictures of Reid in college to cheer us up. Please.

 **Baby Girl** : Already done!

 **Boy Wonder** : …… I didn’t agree to this.

 **Baby Girl** : I only went as far as an internet search. Anyone could find these if they tried hard enough.

 **Boy Wonder** : Fine. Go ahead..

**Baby Girl:**

**Baby Girl:**

**Baby Girl:**

**Hot Chocolate** : LOL OMG PRETTY BOY YOU ARE A DORK!

 **Em** : OMG! That is too much! That same Fresh Jive shirt too.

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah yeah, laugh it up.

 **JJ** : Wow, how old were you Spence?

 **Boy Wonder** : 13, 14 and 17. I refused to take a picture when I started at Cal-Tech, so they stole that first photo of me when I wasn’t looking. I gave in and took the entry portrait at 14 and another at 17 when I got my first doctorate.

 **Baby Girl** : 

**Baby Girl** : Behold! Blonde Reid!

 **Hot Chocolate** : I AM DYING! HAHAHAHAA

 **Em** : OMG! WHY REID?!

 **Boy Wonder** : Well… There was this woman I knew that wanted to try out bleaching someone’s hair before she tried it on her own..

 **Hot Chocolate** : You let her do that do your hair? Please tell me you at least slept with her!

 **Boy Wonder** : Well I wouldn’t do that to my hair for no reason.

 **Hot Chocolate** : My man!

 **Em** : Reid! You did that to get laid?!

 **Baby Girl** : This group chat was a great idea LOL I love seeing this side of our resident genius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, Subscribe and Comment please!
> 
> There was a problem with the images but I believe I fixed it. Let me know if the pictures do not work correctly again.


	3. Truth or Dare

**BAU Group Chat**

**Sunday 11:13 PM**

**Baby Girl** : I can’t sleep. Anyone up?

 **Em** : Yep. Tomorrow is gonna suck

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am up. Bets on Pretty Boy being up.

 **JJ** : I am up but not for long. Henry is nursing and is about to sleep.

 **Baby Girl** : Little baby! So cute. Get some rest JJ.

 **Em** : I think your ‘Pretty Boy’ is asleep, Morgan.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Bets that he isn’t asleep, just reading these messages but not answering so I am not proven right.

 **Boy Wonder** : I hate profilers sometimes.

 **Em** : LOL Classic.

 **Em** : I think Rossi and Hotch are asleep though.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Because they are old men.

 **Hot Chocolate** : …………..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yep. They are asleep.

 **Boy Wonder** : Hotch is only a few years older than you.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Well we all can’t be 26.

 **Boy Wonder** : Don’t get mad at me because you are old.

 **Em** : Break it up you two. 

**Baby Girl** : We should play a game!

 **Hot Chocolate** : Like what? I don’t think there are many texting games.

 **Baby Girl** : Oh I don’t know.. Never have I ever?

 **Baby Girl** : No wait, Truth or Dare!

 **Em** : Wanna save Never Have I Ever for Rossi to be up huh?

 **Baby Girl** : Yes! He would lose.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Sure, why not. I can’t sleep anyway.

 **Boy Wonder** : Rules?

 **Baby Girl** : Dares have to be provable by photo or committed to at a later date, nothing illegal or that would interfere with work of course. No lying during a truth and no switching once you pick one. We will in last name ABC order. When it is your turn you can pick anyone to ask truth or dare.

 **Baby Girl** : Oh and if you fall asleep during the game you have to buy us all lunch one day this week!

 **Baby Girl** : Sound good?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Sure, bring it.

 **Em** : Yep!

 **Boy Wonder** : You are first Garcia.

 **Baby Girl** : So are you Sugar. Truth or Dare Reid??

 **Boy Wonder** : Truth.

 **Baby Girl** : I will start out easy. When and Where did you last have sex?

 **Em** : That is supposed to be an easy start? LOL What did we get ourselves into XD

 **Boy Wonder** : ………. I regret this game already.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I guess that makes Reid the loserrr

 **Boy Wonder** : I do not lose. Yesterday, in his car.

 **Em** : WOAH.

 **Hot Chocolate** : In a car?! You are a grown man with an apartment!

 **Baby Girl** : You have a boyfriend??

 **Boy Wonder** : Well.. We are going out to dinner and one thing led to another and the car was pretty big sooo.. It just happened. Also no, I do not have a boyfriend.

 **Baby Girl** : That’s hot.

 **Em** : STILL WOAH.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Wait! This is another “casual sex” guy??

 **Boy Wonder** : … It is your turn, Morgan.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Ohh you know I am gonna ask you, Truth or Dare kid?

 **Boy Wonder** : That has to be cheating.. I choose Dare then.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Damn.. Uhh… Ohh I know. Send us a photo of yourself from college that you would hate for us to see.

 **Boy Wonder** : That is pretty much all of my photos from college.. I have one saved on my phone that I hate. Backstory, I was 19 and doing a favor for a friend of mine for some side money. She was in fashion and photograph, so I agreed to model for her…

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Em** : OMG! Reid! That’s actually hot!

 **Baby Girl** : Wowwwwww you clean up good!

 **Em** : Why is your nipple out though LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah, very funny. I looked so stupid. I just did as she said.

 **Em** : I think you killed Morgan.

 **Hot Chocolate** : That was really not what I was expecting..

 **Boy Wonder** : Go ahead and laugh it up, Morgan.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You actually look really good Pretty Boy..

 **Baby Girl** : You need a cold shower now?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Hush Baby Girl!

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t get it.

 **Em** : Do you have more modeling photos, Reid?

 **Boy Wonder** : I took quite a lot, but I don’t have them on my phone. They are embarrassing.

 **Baby Girl** : I am making it my quest to find more photos of you modeling!

 **Boy Wonder** : Fuck.

 **Em** : My turn! PG, Truth or Dare?

 **Baby Girl** : Truth!

 **Hot Chocolate** : Are we just gonna ignore the fact that the kid just cussed and used to model?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yep.

 **Em** : Out of Hotch, Rossi and Reid, how would you choose to Fuck, Marry or Kill?

 **Hot Chocolate** : What about meeee?

 **Em** : We already know she would choose to Fuck you.

 **Baby Girl** : I would kill Rossi (Sorry Rossi!). Marry Hotch, and Fuck Reid, really after that picture.

 **Boy Wonder** : Wait, what?

 **Em** : Your turn Reid!

 **Boy Wonder** : Morgan, Truth or Dare.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Dare! I’m not afraid.

 **Boy Wonder** : You will refer to me as “your majesty” in front of others, once a day for the next week, when we are at work.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Oh hell no!

 **Boy Wonder** : I guess that makes Morgan the loserrr

 **Em** : LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : Damn you kid.. Fine. Deal!

 **Baby Girl** : I found one!

 **Hot Chocolate** : Wait found what?

 **Baby Girl** : Another modeling photo! Looks like it is from the same shoot.

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh fuck me..

 **Baby Girl** : I think that is what the other model said LOL

 **Em** : Show us!!

 **Baby Girl** : 

**Em** : WOAH!! REID!! That is HOT AF!

 **Boy Wonder** : I shouldn’t have mentioned the modeling…

 **Baby Girl** : LOL I never knew you had this side to you junior G-Man! What’s LEY though?

 **Boy Wonder** : Marley. The fashion photographer. She went by Ley for short.

 **Em** : Who is the panty dropper?

 **Boy Wonder** : Uhh Sarah I think. I didn’t know her.

 **Em** : OMG You didn’t know her but you are straight staring at her puss LOL I CAN’T!

 **Boy Wonder** : Emily!

 **Baby Girl** : You know giving me her name is just going to help feed the search right?

 **Em** : I think we killed Morgan again.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am here. Just… Woah.

 **Boy Wonder** : What?

 **Em** : Oblivious as always.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t understand..

 **Baby Girl** : I found more… I don’t think two of these are modeling shots tho..

 **Boy Wonder** : ……..

 **Em** : We gotta see those two first!

**Baby Girl:**

**Baby Girl:**

**Hot Chocolate** : Holy shit…

 **Em** : I need a cold shower now WTF REID

 **Hot Chocolate** : Who’s thumb is that??

 **Em** : More importantly, Is that a post-sex picture with a cig? That one looks recent.

 **Boy Wonder** : Where in the hell did you find those?

 **Baby Girl** : Facial recognition software through public Instagram pages. 

**Boy Wonder** : Who had those?

 **Baby Girl** : Charles Winters and Jarett Myer

 **Boy Wonder** : Those bastards!

 **Baby Girl** : I can hack in and remove them if you want Sugar.

 **Boy Wonder** : No. I will take care of them. Hold on.

 **Em** : What are you gonna do?

 **Hot Chocolate** : I have so many questions..

 **Baby Girl** : I didn’t mean to upset him.

 **Em** : Better that you told him then if you hid it.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Does anyone know who Charles Winters and Jarett Myer are?

 **Em** : Nope.. I feel like we are missing a large part of Reid’s life.

 **Baby Girl** : Charles Winters is a heavily tattooed man, mid 30’s, tall but average build. Founder of several nonprofits, and Jarett Myer is a super muscly and tall, dark-skinned man in his early 40’s. Ex-military. He is bigger than you my Chocolate God.

 **Em** : Morgan! He is screwing someone bigger and badder than you XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : I hate you all.

 **Baby Girl** : Wait, the photos were just removed by the page owners.

 **Em** : I wonder how he got them down.

 **Boy Wonder** : I threatened to send their dick pics to their mothers.

 **Em** : You have their dick pics saved to your phone??

 **Boy Wonder** : Not anymore. But they don’t know that.

 **Baby Girl** : My genius!

 **Em** : Morgan, don’t send your dick pics to Reid unless you want them used for blackmail later on.

 **Boy Wonder** : Why would Morgan send me dick pics?

 **Baby Girl** : LOL I CAN’T

 **Hot Chocolate** : Kid! Stop saying dick pics! I didn't even know you knew what that was! 

**Bossman** : Your messages woke me up. Now, it is almost 1 AM and we all have work tomorrow. Go to sleep everyone.

 **Em** : Yes, sir.

 **Baby Girl** : Aww.. looks like our game is over.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Does that mean Hotch has to buy us lunch?

 **Boy Wonder** : I am really regretting this group chat.


	4. Angry Gentleman

**BAU Group Chat**

**Monday 9:12 AM**

**Baby Girl** : 

**Baby Girl** : That’s me.

 **JJ** : 100% YAS

 **Em** : LMAO

 **Boy Wonder** : It’s Mona Lisa, not Monday Lisa.

 **Hot Chocolate** : That’s the joke, kid..

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t get it.

 **Bossman** : Get to work.

 **Baby Girl** : Aww we don’t have a case yet though!

 **Bossman** : No, but they have paperwork and Morgan, I can see you putting those files in Reid’s stack.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Come on man! Now Reid is yelling at me XD

 **Em** : You think it’s cute

 **Boy Wonder** : I am not cute when I am angry!

 **JJ** : Yes you are Spence LOL

**11:58 AM**

**The Italian** : Hotch is buying lunch right?

 **Bossman** : No.

 **Hot Chocolate** : It’s only fair! You stopped our game last night.

 **Baby Girl** : It was just getting good too!

 **Bossman** : It was 1AM. You shouldn’t be playing Truth or Dare at 1AM. Or at all. You all are adults and FBI agents.

 **The Italian** : Nice pictures by the way, kid.

 **Bossman** : I could have gone my life without seeing college model Reid.

 **Boy Wonder** : Don’t make me find pictures of all of you.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yeah right, you’re a luddite.

 **Baby Girl** : LMAO face it 187, you are only a genius with paper.

 **Em** : He once asked me how to turn his desk computer on LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : Just because I don’t use technology doesn’t mean I am inept; I do have a doctorate in engineering.

 **Baby Girl** : You are one of the reasons we still work with paper cases LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : Condemnant quo non intellegunt.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Wtf does that mean?

 **Bossman** : It is latin for “They condemn that which they do not understand”.

 **Em** : I think that is Reid’s way of saying “Game on Bitches” LOL

 **The Italian** : Aaron are we going to lunch or not?

 **Bossman** : I’ll pay if we get Chinese and Reid uses chopsticks.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Well we know he can’t do that! XD

 **Boy Wonder** : I hate you all.

**6:36 PM**

**Boy Wonder** : I found some.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Some what?

 **Baby Girl** : Omg did you find old pictures? Of who??

 **Boy Wonder** : Yes and Morgan, Hotch and Rossi. Not you ladies.

 **Em** : So you are an angry gentleman? LOL

 **JJ** : I need to see these.

 **Boy Wonder** : Morgan is first because he hit me in the back of the head when he called me “Your Majesty” today and that was not part of the dare.

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Hot Chocolate** : HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT?!

 **Boy Wonder** : I am provably a genius.

 **Baby Girl** : OMG! Noooooooooooo

 **Em** : I just died XD What were you even doing? LMFAO

 **Hot Chocolate** : This chick invited me to a concert.. I got talked into it. She was hot though and I got to meet the band.

 **JJ** : I will no longer be able to look you in the eyes LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : Payback is a bitch Pretty Boy! Just you wait!

 **Boy Wonder** : Sure, Sure. Next is Hotch because he made me use chopsticks when he knows I can’t

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Bossman** : Oh fuck..

 **The Italian** : Haha wasn’t that the play Haley made you act in?

 **Bossman** : Yes Dave..

 **Em** : Omg! I am gonna have to print this and put it in the office LOL

 **Baby Girl** : I am going to make it my screen saver LOL

 **JJ** : Hotch! Whyyy

 **Hot Chocolate** : Man you look like a penguin!

 **Bossman** : Don’t you ladies dare. I will write you all up. And Morgan, you are one to talk. Was that bleached hair and a choker necklace I saw?

 **Boy Wonder** : Last is Rossi because he told me I have an oral fixation because of the picture of me sucking on Charles’s thumb.

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Em** : OMG this is so weird!

 **Baby Girl** : Bedroom eyes af!

 **The Italian** : First, I am not wrong. You do have an oral fixation. Second, how in the hell did you get a copy of this, kid?

 **The Italian** : This was from my first book photoshoot. The guy wanted me to look seductive..

 **JJ** : Sorry Rossi but that is not seductive! LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : Oral fixation? WTF is that?

 **Em** : He enjoys sucking on things.

 **Hot Chocolate** : ……………..

 **Boy Wonder** : That is not the definition..

 **JJ** : How did you get these, Spence? Penelope, did you help him?

 **Baby Girl** : Nope. I haven’t even seen these before.

 **Boy Wonder** : I am actually quite adept on the computer. I just don’t care for it.

 **Em** : Remind me to never get on Reid’s bad side. I don’t want my old pictures coming out.

 **Boy Wonder** : Don’t worry, your “Sin to Win” pictures are safe. Unfortunately for you, I have an eidetic memory and I will never forget seeing them.

 **Em** : Oh My God.. You didn’t..

 **Boy Wonder** : Yep. I saw them. I didn’t know you had any tattoos. Quite a strange place for one though.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Okay, spill!

 **Baby Girl** : Emily Prentiss has been a naughty girl!

 **Em** : Due to personal reasons, I will be passing away now..

 **JJ** : Wait, is he talking about that time you told me about, in the green thong?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yep.

 **JJ** : You are screwed Emily!

 **Baby Girl** : I am so glad I don’t have anything like that.

 **Boy Wonder** : Two words Garcia, Black Queen.

 **Baby Girl** : Oh shit..

 **Hot Chocolate** : What am I missing??

 **Em** : What about JJ? Did you find anything on her?

 **JJ** : Hey!

 **Boy Wonder** : I didn’t look. She just had my Godchild; she needs a break.

 **JJ** : Thank you Spence!

 **The Italian** : Aaron, I am glad the kid is on our side. He would be one hell of an unsub.

 **Bossman** : Why do you think we recruited him so young?

 **Em** : He is one step away from being an evil genius..

 **Hot Chocolate** : That’s it, Baby Girl, you need to share a picture of him! It’s only fair.

 **Boy Wonder** : No way! That’s not fair at all!

 **Baby Girl** : What do you want? A modeling photo or a geeky one?

 **JJ** : Surprise us!

 **Em** : Morgan would have said modeling LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : Three! He sent three, now we get three.

 **Boy Wonder** : Don’t you dare Garcia! I will share yours!

 **Em** : No you won’t. You are too much of a gentleman.

**Baby Girl:**

**Baby Girl:**

**Baby Girl:**

**Em** : What the hell Reid? Are you a cheerleader?

 **Bossman** : Reid, you were in a magazine?

 **JJ** : I am stuck on the last one where you are basically seductively licking your glasses.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Why does it feel like none of these are Reid or even of the same person?

 **Em** : College is a confusing time LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : I hate you all. Yes, I was a cheerleader but only for a day. We did a car wash and raised money for a student that got into an accident. Hotch, I am not sure. Marley sold a lot of the photos I took to different places. I didn’t care to figure out where.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t even have an explanation for the last one. I had just turned 21 and I was drunk though.

 **Em** : You look so much older with a mustache, it’s weird.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I still refuse to believe that middle one is Reid. He looked like a legit model.

 **Boy Wonder** : I made good money, not as good as gambling at the casinos but still good.

 **Hot Chocolate** : But you look.. Different.

 **Baby Girl** : I think the word you are looking for is hot

 **Em** : Or Pretty XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Thanks?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments and support. I don't know how often I will be updating this as it doesn't really have much of a plot, its just for fun. Make sure to sub if you want updates :)


	5. And He Was Naked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: Rothchild was the Unsub in 04x08 Masterpiece.

**BAU Group Chat**

**09:36 PM**

**JJ** : Garcia just told me how the case you guys just got back from was, everyone doing okay?

 **Em** : Yeah, I am just hanging out with the perfect man.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You got a man, Emily? I am good, thanks for asking JJ.

 **The Italian** : She is talking about her cat, Sergio.

 **Baby Girl** : You are so sweet for asking JJ <3

 **Hot Chocolate** : Anyone heard from Pretty Boy?

 **Em** : Nope. He said he was going straight home. Maybe he went to sleep.

 **The Italian** : That kid never sleeps.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I just tried calling and I got no answer.

 **Bossman** : I am leaving from seeing Jack now, and I pass by his apartment. I’ll stop in on him.

 **Bossman** : Also, I am doing well JJ. We miss you at work but take as long as you need.

 **JJ** : Thanks, Hotch!

**10:12 PM**

**Bossman** : So.. Reid is just fine.

 **Hot Chocolate** : What do you mean?

 **Boy Wonder** : Sorry Hotch!

 **Baby Girl** : Ohhhh I wanna know!

 **Bossman** : Reid answered the door in his towel

 **Em** : So?

 **Bossman** : He wasn’t alone..

 **Boy Wonder** : First off I thought you were the takeout food we had ordered. Secondly, you just walked in!

 **Bossman** : Well I didn’t think you wanted to leave the door open while you were almost naked!

 **Baby Girl** : Wait wait, who did he have over?

 **Bossman** : You know the FBI Special Weapons and Tactics Team Unit Chief on the eighth floor?

 **The Italian** : No way. Daniel Harrelson? Wow kid.

 **Bossman** : And he was naked.

 **Em** : Get some!

 **Hot Chocolate** : Wow..

 **Boy Wonder** : Again, we weren’t expecting someone to just come in!

 **Bossman** : Who walks around butt ass naked?

 **Baby Girl** : People that just had bomb ass sex XD

 **Boy Wonder** : What else was he supposed to do?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Put on clothes?

 **Baby Girl** : My king sounds upset XD

 **Boy Wonder** : He came in his work suit. He can’t just put that back on and my clothes are too small for him.

 **Boy Wonder** : Why would Morgan be upset? You okay?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yeah kid..

 **Em** : Maybe that is a hint that you need to gain weight.

 **The Italian** : He wouldn’t be a twink if he was heavier.

 **Bossman** : What is that?

 **Hot Chocolate** : You need to get out more Hotch.

 **Em** : Hey, I don’t know what that is either!

 **Boy Wonder** : I am not a twink!

 **The Italian** : You are thin, young, have boyish looks, very little body hair. You are a twink.

 **Bossman** : I can now vouch for his hairlessness..

 **Em** : So, it is a certain type of queer male? But.. Why are they called Twinks?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Really? … Like the snack Twinkies..

 **Em** : I don’t get it.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Cream filled…..

 **Boy Wonder** : I hate you all…

 **Baby Girl** : Our Boy Genius bottoms? :O

 **Boy Wonder** :…….. Can we not.

 **Em** : That is hot.

 **Bossman** : Doesn’t that hurt?

 **Boy Wonder** : I really do not want to talk about my sexual positions with my boss.

 **Boy Wonder** : But no, not if done correctly.

 **Bossman** : Would you rather talk about your tattoo?

 **Boy Wonder** : Fuck.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You have a tattoo?!

 **Em** : That is also hot XD

 **Baby Girl** : OMG what is it of?

 **Em** : I bet it’s a dedication to his mom <3

 **Boy Wonder** : No. I wanted to do that but she is against tattoos so she would have hated it.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Where is it at?

 **Bossman** : Right on his hip bone.

 **Boy Wonder** : You mean Iliac Crest.

 **Baby Girl** : Wow, how low was your towel?

 **Bossman** : Too low..

 **Boy Wonder** : Again, I didn’t think it was you at the door.

 **Baby Girl** : Do you always wear low towels while answering the door for takeout?

 **Boy Wonder** : No sometimes I wear panties.

 **Hot Chocolate** : What..

 **Boy Wonder** : That was a joke, Morgan.

 **Baby Girl** : LOL you almost gave him a heart attack XD

 **Em** : Bet that it was only half a joke.

 **Baby Girl** : OMG Spencer Reid do you wear panties??

 **Boy Wonder** : Again, Can we not.

 **Baby Girl** : I am going to take that as a yes :D

 **Em** : Still hot.

 **Boy Wonder** : I didn’t say I did!

 **Bossman** : You answered a question with a question. Profiling 101.

 **Em** : Okay okay, what is the tattoo of?

 **Boy Wonder** : DNA strand in the shape of the Fibonacci Spiral

 **The Italian** : Of course. Rothchild would have loved to know that.

 **Boy Wonder** : He was already too fanatic with me.

 **Baby Girl** : Was that the Unsub that kidnapped the kids and teacher and almost blew everyone up?

 **The Italian** : Yeah. He was also obsessed with Reid.

 **Boy Wonder** : Why can’t I ever have any normal fans?

 **Hot Chocolate** : What does it mean though?

 **Boy Wonder** : It’s personal. Basically, how DNA can be perfect and imperfect. It is always changing, growing but always the same.

 **Boy Wonder** : I guess it is a dedication to my mom in a way.

 **Baby Girl** : That is strangely sweet and slightly depressing.

 **Em** : Wait a second. Are you dating Daniel Harrelson? Is that even allowed?

 **Bossman** : He is in a different division, so it is allowed.

 **Bossman** : Ohh and thanks a lot Reid. I have a meeting that he will be at tomorrow. Now I have to pretend that I didn’t just see his dick the night before.

 **Baby Girl** : Or that he wasn’t balls deeps in your agent LOL XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Baby Girl!

 **Em** : Hotch saying the word “dick” is weird AF.

 **Boy Wonder** : It could have been worse. But no Emily I am not dating him.

 **Baby Girl** : Why not? I have met him, he is nice.

 **Boy Wonder** : Yes. We just don’t have much in common besides our mutual form of stress relief.

 **The Italian** : Lo capisco. _(I understand that)_

 **Baby Girl** : That’s not really healthy. You should date someone, fall in love.

 **Boy Wonder** : No one has a problem when Morgan sleeps around. Plus, I normally know the person for a while before starting a sexual relationship.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I don’t sleep around.

 **Em** : Ohh yeah right! You went home with a woman from the bar the last three times we went out for drinks.

 **Hot Chocolate** : It is not my fault that the person I want doesn’t want me back..

 **Baby Girl** : Maybe if someone would just talk to the other person instead of hiding it!

 **Boy Wonder** : Who is it?

 **Em** : Awkwardd

 **Boy Wonder** : Wait.. You said “person”, not “woman”. That syntax is not common with straight males. Are you bisexual?

 **The Italian** : Leave it to the kid to get the linguistics of a text but not the real meaning.

 **Bossman** : Looks like a good time to leave. Sleep well, everyone.

 **Em** : Same! See you all tomorrow!

 **Boy Wonder** : I am so confused..

 **JJ** : Spence, you poor thing LOL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone catch that SWAT/Shemar Moore reference with Daniel Harrelson? XD


	6. Grown Folks' Playground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your positive comments and support!

**Baby Girl** : Ughhhh I miss everyone!

 **Em** : I am right next to you and everyone will be back Tuesday.

 **JJ** : It figures the first four-day weekend we all get is the week after I start back. I totally could have used a girl’s day!

 **Bossman** : You could have taken the time off as well JJ.

 **JJ** : Thank you Hotch, I just have a lot to catch up on. I would feel bad taking extra time off.

 **The Italian** : Is it really time off if I spend the whole time writing a new book?

 **Hot Chocolate** : It is not our fault that is how you spend your time.

 **Baby Girl** : What did you decide to do during your downtime stud muffin?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Just relaxing. I was gonna go see my momma and sisters, but they were busy this weekend.

 **Hot Chocolate** : It would be nice if we had some notice before we got breaks.

 **Bossman** : That would be nice, but it is not going to happen.

 **Baby Girl** : Anyone heard from our genius?

 **JJ** : He told me he was planning on visiting his mom.

 **Em** : Isn’t it like 7:30 AM in Vegas right now?

 **JJ** : Spence is NOT a morning person.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I know! He once threw a coffee mug at my head!

 **Em** : You probably deserved it.

 **Hot Chocolate** : No I didn’t! We were sharing a hotel room and I woke him up and he went off!

 **Boy Wonder** : That’s not what happened! You woke me at 6 AM saying I needed to get up and run with you and when I said no you told me you made me coffee. I get out of bed to find an empty mug! It was just cruel.

 **Hot Chocolate** : It is not my fault that you believed me! Plus you should go running.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t need to run, thank you. And running at 6am is for psychopaths.

 **Baby Girl** : Junior G-man! How is your mom?

 **JJ** : You are up early Spence.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You are just mad because you don’t have gains!

 **Boy Wonder** : Hey :) Visiting hours start at 9 am and my mom told me yesterday if I didn’t come see her first thing in the morning she would scratch the doctor’s eyes out. I think she was joking though.

 **Em** : Think?

 **Boy Wonder** : It is best to always take her seriously.

 **Boy Wonder** : What the hell are gains, Derek?

 **JJ** : Wait. When did you start calling Morgan by his first name?

 **Baby Girl** : Oooooooo XD

 **Boy Wonder** : He can call me Pretty Boy, but I can’t call him Derek?

 **Em** : Call him whatever you want LOL

 **Baby Girl** : LOL I don’t see him complaining

 **Boy Wonder** : Huh?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Just let it go, kid..

 **The Italian** : We finally get a break and you guys are still always talking to each other.

 **Baby Girl** : Of course! We are like family :D

 **Baby Girl** : Quick, everyone send a selfie!

 **Baby Girl** : 

**JJ** : I am working.

 **Bossman** : No way.

 **The Italian** : Not happening.

 **Boy Wonder** : Not a chance.

 **Boy Wonder** : You both look nice though.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You guys are no fun! I will send one Baby Girl!

 **Hot Chocolate** : 

**Hot Chocolate** : By the way, Pretty boy. This is gains.

 **Baby Girl** : Ohh my Dark Chocolate Six Pack. You are truly a gift from God!

 **JJ** : Not bad Morgan. You still have to work out with me. I have some baby weight to lose.

 **Em** : Hush **JJ** , You look great. And damn Morgan. Who knew you were hiding that under your suit :O

 **Baby Girl** : What do you think doc? XD

 **Boy Wonder** : …..

 **Em** : Wow we found a way to make Reid stop talking! Morgan, next time Reid starts to rant, take your shirt off.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Ooo like what you see there, kid?

 **Boy Wonder** : No Comment..

 **Baby Girl** : That is a yes!

 **Boy Wonder** : ANYWAY. I would send a selfie, but I am eating.

 **Em** : Send one anyway.

 **The Italian** : Didn’t know the kid ate without someone reminding him?

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Boy Wonder** : I am a duck.

 **Baby Girl** : LMAO I AM DYING OVER HERE

 **Em** : OMG LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : XD Out of all the pictures you could have taken, you decided to be a duck LOL

 **The Italian** : Those are chips, kid. That barely even counts as eating.

 **Bossman** : Reid you look exhausted. Take better care of yourself.

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah, I didn’t sleep last night.

 **Bossman** : Why?

 **Em** : Well to quote Morgan, He is in a grown folks' playground.

 **JJ** : Spence did you hook up??

 **Boy Wonder** : No way. I do not want an STD.

 **Baby Girl** : I bet Vegas is crawling with STDs.

 **Boy Wonder** : Actually, they rank relatively low for STD rates in the country but the fact that there is a high number of transients makes the true numbers hard to pin down. Washington D.C. is one of the highest rating cities for STDs in the country.

 **Em** : Morgan, he is ranting. Take your shirt off.

 **Hot Chocolate** Anytime ;D

 **Boy Wonder** : Very funny -_-

 **Hot Chocolate** : I mean, I wasn’t joking. I would take my shirt off for you anytime Pretty Boy ;)

 **Boy Wonder** : … Just because you found out I am bi, doesn’t mean you have to make fun of me for it.

 **Baby Girl** : No one is making fun of you Sweetie. He was just playing.

 **Em** : Morgan, nice try but he is still oblivious.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I could wear a billboard confessing everything and he would still not get it.

 **Bossman** : Try writing a peer-reviewed research paper about it and that might work.

 **Boy Wonder** : What are you guys talking about?

 **JJ** : Anyway.. Why were you up all night Spence?

 **Boy Wonder** : Casinos!

 **The Italian** : I thought you were banned in most of the casinos in Vegas.

 **Boy Wonder** : Yes, but the pictures they have of me are old and if I purposely lose some games and leave by 10k then they don’t question it. Also, online poker is a big money winner without getting caught. The machines are set to where you can’t count the cards, so no one thinks twice about big winners.

 **Em** : Wait! How much did you make last night??

 **Boy Wonder** : Not important.. But I did make enough to finish covering my mom’s care for next year and the rest was added to the college fund for Henry.

 **JJ** : You started a college fund for Henry??

 **Boy Wonder** : Of course, I did. Sorry, I thought I told you that.

 **JJ** : OMG Spence! That is so nice of you :D

 **Em** : Hey! I still have student loans. You can throw some cash my way anytime.

 **Boy Wonder** : I am not your Godfather.

 **Baby Girl** : If she calls you Daddy will she get money?

 **Boy Wonder** : First, hell no. Second, Emily is totally a dom. There is no way she would call someone else daddy.

 **Hot Chocolate** : **Em** ily are you a dom??

 **Em** : LOL leave it to Reid to pick up on that and nothing else XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Well you all are Alphas, so you are natural doms. JJ and Garcia are Betas but in sex terms would be switches.

 **Baby Girl** : You know that means you are a submissive right?

 **Boy Wonder** : Clearly. I am fine with that.

 **Em** : So, Have you ever called someone Daddy??

 **Boy Wonder** : ……….. I am running late.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Fuck.. Umm.. That.. wow.

 **Baby Girl** : You are falling hard my Greek God. I ship.

 **JJ** : I ship

 **Em** : Def ship.

 **Boy Wonder** : WTF does that even mean? I feel like I am missing something..

 **Bossman** : You could distract Chester Hardwick, a sadistic psychopath serial killer, for 15 minutes but you can’t figure this out? You need more training.

 **Boy Wonder** : I have five doctorates!

 **The Italian** : And two are in Literature and Linguistics but you are stumped by text messages. Also, I ship too.

 **Bossman** : Same.

 **Boy Wonder** : Ship what? Are you guys going sailing??

 **Hot Chocolate** : Don’t you have to get going?

 **Boy Wonder** : Ughhh I am not going to let this go!

 **Hot Chocolate** : I hope not.


	7. She Thirsty

**BAU Group Chat**

**3:54 PM Sunday**

**Boy Wonder** : Does anyone have a Spoteye account I can use?

 **Em** : I don’t think that is a thing..

 **JJ** : Do you mean Spotify?

 **Boy Wonder** : Ohhh yeah she said Spotify.

 **Baby Girl** : You didn’t answer my calls yesterday but today you are looking to use someone else’s account??

 **Boy Wonder** : Sorry Garcia. I haven’t checked my phone much. Been busy.

 **Hot Chocolate** : She?

 **Em** : Relax Morgan XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Cristy. She is an old friend. I used to tutor her older brother when I was in high school, but she is closer to my age.

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Boy Wonder** : She wanted me to send a selfie.

 **The Italian** : You need to shave, kid.

 **Boy Wonder** : Thanks Rossi -_-

 **Baby Girl** : She is so pretty and you look so cute, 187!

 **Boy Wonder** : She said thank you.

 **JJ** : Is that shirt pink?

 **Em** : Get some Reid!

 **Boy Wonder** : Huh? She is just a friend. We are waiting for some of her friends to come get us. We are going to Las Vegas Bay. She needs some help taking photographs.

 **Boy Wonder** : And yes it is a pale pink. Cristy said I looked good in it.

 **Em** : Sounds like someone wants to be more than friends ;D

 **Boy Wonder** : I doubt it, but she isn’t my type. Just a friend.

 **Baby Girl** : Not your type? You mean not enough penis? XD

 **Em** : OMG PG XD

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t get it.. She doesn’t have a penis.

 **Em** : And you know that how??

 **Boy Wonder** : She changed her clothes earlier with her bedroom door open..

 **Hot Chocolate** : And you watched??

 **Boy Wonder** : I might have taken a peek… In my defense, her door was right in front of where I was already sitting.

 **Em** : Yep. She wants you.

 **Baby Girl** : She thirsty.

 **Boy Wonder** : We just got coffee.

 **Hot Chocolate** : She means that she is horny..

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh. Interesting.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Interesting??

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah, she never seemed interested in me before. I wonder why she would be now.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Because you are attractive?

 **Boy Wonder** : You can’t see but I rolled my eyes at your joke.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I wasn’t joking.. but okay.

 **Boy Wonder** : Huh?

 **Baby Girl** : Real talk though genius, do you actually like women? I am not judging. I just have only heard you talk about men and that attractive woman clearly wants in your pants and all you have to say is “interesting”

 **Em** : Damn Pen, way to get personal XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Yes Garcia. I am attracted to both men and women. Men are just easier to talk to and understand. Women tend to want long term relationships and don’t get my humor.

 **JJ** : Anyway.. I thought you were in Vegas to visit your mom.

 **Boy Wonder** : I saw her this morning, but she had an episode by lunch, so I had to leave.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Hold on, that pic, why are you wearing glasses?

 **Boy Wonder** : Because I wear glasses?

 **Em** : WTF no you don’t.. I have never seen you wear glasses.

 **Baby Girl** : It’s called contacts guys XD

 **JJ** : I am pretty sure he has worn them to work before guys..

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah, I normally wear my contacts, but the bay is pretty dry, and I don’t want to get sand in my lenses.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You should wear them more often.. They look good.

 **Bossman** : Morgan, you share a hotel room with Reid sometimes, how have you not noticed him putting his lenses in or out?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Well I don’t go into the bathroom with him!

 **Baby Girl** : You wish XD

 **Em** : The real question is how does Hotch see him take them in and out if he does it in the bathroom?

 **Boy Wonder** : Because he watches me shower.

 **Hot Chocolate** : That was a joke right?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah, once I get naked I make him leave before I get into the shower.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You better be joking, kid.

 **Baby Girl** : LMAO STAPH your gonna get Hotch killed XD

 **Bossman** : Now I sound like a perv. Thanks, Reid.

 **Em** : I mean you were the first one to know about Reid’s tattoo and when you saw him in a towel, you invited yourself in his apartment. Sounds a little fishy to me.

 **Baby Girl** : He also asked about him being a bottom :O

 **Baby Girl** : I knew it. That makes two for Reid.

 **Bossman** : ………. I am your boss. This is just wrong.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Spencer. Tell me that is a joke.

 **Em** : Ohhh he first named you Reid.

 **Boy Wonder** : Two what? And yes Derek, it was just a joke.

 **Bossman** : Not two. Still just one.

 **JJ** : I am not used to Spence’s sarcasm and I love it LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : Anyway.. Does anyone have a Spotify account I can borrow or not?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Get your own kid!

 **Em** : I thought you were a big winner the other day at the casinos? Buy your own.

 **Boy Wonder** : I won’t use it again. I normally use my iPod, but I forgot it at home, still on the charger :(

 **Bossman** : You can forget something? The world is ending.

 **Boy Wonder** : ha ha. Very funny Hotch.

 **Hot Chocolate** : There is no way you are filling my Spotify history with classical crap.

 **Boy Wonder** : I only listen to classical when I am trying to read or focus.

 **Em** : Bet he listens to Nickelback.

 **Boy Wonder** : I have listened to them before. I don’t understand why everyone hates them so much..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Because they suck.

 **Baby Girl** : What is the last song you listened too then?

 **Boy Wonder** : Drug Dealer by Macklemore

 **JJ** : I love Macklemore!

 **Em** : I would have never guessed that.

 **Baby Girl** : Isn’t that song about drugs?

 **Boy Wonder** : It is about drug recovery and the problem with doctors giving out highly addictive drugs with little warning or reason. You would be surprised how easy it is to get a doctor to write a script for Dilaudid.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You doing okay?

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh, I am fine. Thanks for asking, Derek. I got my two-year chip last month actually.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Hell yeah! Way to go Pretty Boy!

 **Bossman** : I am proud of you Reid, off the record of course.

 **The Italian** : I think I am missing something..

 **JJ** : Soo.. What else do you listen too?

 **Boy Wonder** : Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bob Dylan, Tupac, Nine Inch Nails. Pretty much a little bit of everything.

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh, got to go! Cristy’s friends finally came and there aren’t enough seats, so she is going to seat on my lap, and she says I have to hold her like a seat belt, so I won’t be able to text.

 **Em** : So, Morgan.. He is oblivious to everyone it seems.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your continued support! Let me know what you think.


	8. Mouth Congress

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia**

**11:13 PM Sunday EST**

**Derek:** I am freaking out Baby Girl..

 **Penelope:** What’s the matter Sugar?

 **Derek:** I have messaged him, and he still isn’t answering. He never messaged again in the group chat either. What if he is with that Cristy chick right now?

 **Penelope:** I mean he probably is with her

 **Derek:** Baby! That doesn’t help!

 **Penelope:** Honey, it’s only like 7 pm there right now. They are probably still at the bay.

 **Derek:** It’s 8:16 pm. It’s already dark there.

 **Penelope:** You are getting creepy now sugar.

 **Penelope:** You know he sleeps with other people regularly. He has already told us about several. One works in the same building as us..

 **Derek:** I know! Ughhhhhh I don’t know why this is freaking me out, okay? Maybe because they have a history or because I know that it might be happening right now…

 **Derek:** It is different watching it play out than hearing about it afterward..

 **Penelope:** Pumpkin, he already said she wasn’t his type.

 **Derek:** Soooo I have slept with women that aren’t my type either.

 **Penelope:** That’s another thing. You have slept with half of Virginia. You don’t really have room to be jealous.

 **Derek:** It has not been that much!

 **Penelope:** I bet our boy genius could give us an estimate of how many times you have hooked up

 **Derek:** That’s not helping..

 **Penelope:** Oh sweetie. I wish I could help but there is nothing I can do.

 **Derek:** Check his location.

 **Penelope:** You are being ridiculous.

 **Derek:** This was so much easier when I didn’t think he had a sex life!

 **Penelope:** It would be even easier if you just told him how you felt! He doesn’t understand your hints at all.

 **Derek:** I can’t! If he doesn’t like me back like that then it would ruin our friendship.. I just need these feelings to go away.

 **Penelope:** Hold on poodle. Let’s ask everyone else.

**SHIP THEM Group Chat created by Penelope Garcia**

**Contacts added:** **Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, David Rossi**

**11:26 PM Sunday EST**

**Penelope:** Okay everyone. Please tell the class how a certain Derek Morgan should confess his undying love to a young Dr. Spencer Reid.

 **Derek:** I don’t love him! I just.. really like him..

**Penelope changed Derek’s name to Lover Boy**

**Lover Boy** : Not funny Garcia!

 **Emily** : No. It’s pretty funny.

 **Jennifer** : I thought Morgan called Spence lover boy

**Penelope changed Lover Boy’s name to Lover Man**

**Emily** : Perfect XD

 **Jennifer** : Lover Boy and Lover Man sitting in a tree XD

 **Emily** : That just sounds ridiculous LOL

 **Aaron** : What is it now?

 **Penelope:** Lover Man is worried that Lover Boy is currently balls deep in that Cristy chick on the side of Las Vegas Bay.

 **Lover Man** : Baby Girl!

 **Emily** : He might be ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Hopefully he uses a condom.

 **Jennifer** : A little baby Spence would be cute AF! Henry and the baby would be best friends!

 **Lover Man** : ……..

**Jennifer changed Jennifer’s name to JJ**

**JJ changed Aaron’s name to Hotch**

**JJ** : Much better.

 **Emily** : He could just give her oral, skip the sex.

 **Baby Girl** : He talks so fast and has an eidetic memory with a working knowledge of anatomy. He is probably pretty good at it.

 **David** : Might I mention his oral fixation again.

 **Hotch** : He also really enjoys being praised. He loves pleasing people.

 **Penelope:** That settles it. He is just going down on her.

 **Lover Man** : WAIT WHAT?!

 **Emily** : Going down on her? Like eating pussy.

 **Penelope:** Carpet munching

 **JJ** : Lip service

 **Emily** : Muff diving

 **JJ** : Oh, I never heard that one before Em

 **Penelope:** Mouth congress!

 **Lover Man** : OMG STOPP! I know what “going down” means!

 **Hotch** : … Mouth Congress?

 **David** : Your old is showing Aaron.

 **Hotch** : You haven’t heard of that either.

 **David** : Hey. I have been married three times. I have been around.

 **David** : Eating Tuna Tacos, Taming the Beaver, Tasting the Honey Pot.

 **Em** ily: OMG LOL

 **Lover Man** : STOP ROSSI!

 **Hotch** : ……. You all need a hobby.

 **Penelope:** This is my hobby!

 **Lover Man** : Thank you all for not helping even a little bit

 **JJ** : He doesn’t even know how you feel. You can’t be jealous of him possibly being with a different person, in a whole different state, if he has no clue that you are interested in him.

 **Emily** : You know Reid is a damn good profiler. He probably already knows.

 **Hotch** : Damn good when it comes to anyone besides himself.

 **David** : The kid has no self-awareness.

 **JJ** : Why don’t you just call him and see what he is up too.

 **Lover Man** : I did. He didn’t answer..

 **Em** ily: He could always be with his mom again. He does fly home tomorrow, right?

 **JJ** : I think so. Idk what time though. He could have just gone to sleep early.

 **Hotch** : Hold on. If he is available he will answer my text.

 **Em** ily: Ohh yeah, because you are his Side Bro.

 **Hotch** : Side Bro?

 **Penelope:** Like Side Hoe or Side Chick but a man.

 **Hotch** : … He will answer because I am his boss.

 **JJ** : He didn’t deny it :O

**Penelope changed Hotch’s name to Lover Boss**

**Penelope:** Now I am imagining Lover Boy with both Lover Man and Lover Boss. 

**Emily** : It is the perfect Love(r) Triangle.

 **Lover Boss** : How do I change the name back?!

 **JJ** : I bet we would all melt if we could see Hotch’s glare right now XD

 **Lover Boss** : You are all taking a sexual harassment seminar when we return. 

**Lover Man** : Aaron Hotchner.

 **JJ** : I can feel Morgan’s anger from here LOL

 **Lover Boss** : Calm down, Morgan. I do not have feelings for Reid. I am not even gay.

 **Em** ily: Neither is Morgan, yet here we are.

 **Penelope:** What are you anyway Chocolate Thunder?

 **Lover Man** : Straight! I think..

 **JJ** : You are aware your inappropriate work crush has a penis right?

 **Em** ily: Straight except for Reid?

 **Lover Man** : I don’t know.. Hotch can you just check on him now.

 **Lover Boss** : Fine.

**BAU Group Chat**

**11:57 PM Sunday EST**

**Bossman** : Reid, work-related question.

 **Boy Wonder** : What is it?

 **Bossman** : Is it true that there is a legal murder zone in Yellowstone National Park?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yes and no. Murder is illegal everywhere in the United States but in 2005 Brian Kalt found that there's a 50-square-mile section in Yellowstone National Park where one can get away with murder and other crimes. Under the Sixth Amendment, a person accused of a crime has the right to a jury trial. The panel must consist of residents from the state and federal district where the purported crime occurred.

 **Boy Wonder** : There is a stretch of 50 miles within Yellowstone that crosses parts of Wyoming, Idaho, and Montana. If someone were to commit murder on this piece of land, the crime would take place in the state of Idaho, but under Wyoming's discretion. This portion of Yellowstone is unpopulated, with no potential jury members living in the area. Therefore, no jury trial can take place.

 **Boy Wonder** : A good lawyer could sway this on either side, but it has yet to happen, and as far as I know, this murder loophole has yet to be fixed.

 **Boy Wonder** : Is this for a case? I would love to read it.

 **Bossman** : Thank you, Reid. It is not a current case. I will let you know.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Pretty Boy you never messaged me back

 **Boy Wonder** : Sorry about that. I haven’t been checking my phone.

 **Em** : So.. uhh.. How was your time at the bay?

 **Boy Wonder** : It was great. I had a lot more fun than I expected.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Fun.. doing what?

 **Baby Girl** : Let’s cut to the chase, did you bang Cristy?

 **Em** : PG YOU CAN’T KEEP DOING THAT LMAO

 **Boy Wonder** : That was random and personal.

 **The Italian** : Oh, just answer the question kid.

 **Boy Wonder** : No, I didn’t, not that it is anyone’s business.

 **Baby Girl** : But you went down on her right?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Baby Girl!

 **Bossman** : Remind me to get Garcia drug tested.

 **Boy Wonder** : Huh?

 **Em** : Smoochin the cooch

 **Baby Girl** : Slurping clam

 **JJ** : Speaking to the lady in charge

 **The Italian** : Liquor in the front, Poker in the back

 **Hot Chocolate** : NOT THIS AGAIN!

 **Boy Wonder** : Those are some weird euphemisms. And again?

 **Bossman** : You never answered the question.

 **Boy Wonder** : You too Hotch?!

 **Em** ily: It is because of the Love(r) Triangle

 **Bossman** : There is no triangle!

 **Boy Wonder** : I am really confused..

 **Boy Wonder** : But if you are asking if I had oral sex with Cristy, no. No sex of any kind. I told you all she is just a friend.

 **JJ** : Did she offer?

 **Boy Wonder** : ….. Yes.. Then she got mad when I turned her down.

 **Em** : Why did you turn her down? She seemed nice.

 **Boy Wonder** : Not my type. I also didn’t come to Las Vegas to have sex. I can do that at home.

 **Baby Girl** : Well what is your type??

 **Boy Wonder** : No holding back on personal questions today I see.

 **Boy Wonder** : I like a person that takes charge. Typically, Alpha personalities, sometimes Beta. Which is another reason why I tend to be with men. Women, like Cristy, are more submissive. Which is fine, that is just not my preference.

 **Boy Wonder** : Also, do not profile me by this!

 **The Italian** : Too late.

 **Em** : Profile list number one, Daddy Issues.

 **Bossman** : Number two, craves the attention and approval that they didn’t get as a child.

 **The Italian** : Number three, forced into a role early on that made them in charge of themselves and others and they couldn’t escape it.

 **Boy Wonder** : What happened to the seminar on inter-team profiling?

 **Hot Chocolate** : They seem to be giving everyone a hard time tonight kid.

 **JJ** : Really though, did you have fun? Did you take any pictures?

 **Boy Wonder** : I took a lot of photos for the group but on their cameras. But I took this one on my phone as we were leaving.

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**JJ** : That is so pretty!

 **Em** : I never thought a bunch of rocks and sand would look beautiful, but they do.

 **Boy Wonder** : And one of the guys sent this one to me that they took.

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Baby Girl** : Aww you look so cute!

 **Em** : Pants are cuffed like a true bisexual.

 **JJ** : That is a thing?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Looking good, kid.

 **Boy Wonder** : Thanks. I should get to sleep though. I am going to visit my mom early tomorrow then to the airport. I should be back in Virginia by 8 pm. The jet has spoiled me.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You need a ride from the airport?

 **Boy Wonder** : That would be nice, but you don’t have too. I was just going to take an Uber or Taxi.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I will be there at 8 pm. Call me when you land.

 **Boy Wonder** : Thanks, Derek! Night everyone.

 **Baby Girl** : Safe Travels!

 **JJ** : Night Spence!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun with this one. Hope you all liked it.  
> Also, facts about the murder loophole were found at Ranker and the pic of Las Vegas Bay was taken by a friend of mine like three years ago.


	9. SIMP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set after S4E24, "Amplification", where Reid gets Anthrax and is cured by the end of the episode.
> 
> Side note if you have never heard of it: “SIMP” is an acronym that stands for “Someone/Sucka Idolizing Mediocre Pussy.” Basically, it is slang for someone that would do a lot for a person that they really like but that might not share the same level of feelings.

**BAU Group Chat**

**6:22 PM**

**Hot Chocolate** : Hotch! Tell Reid he has to stay at the hospital!

 **Boy Wonder** : And tell Morgan that I am fine to leave!

 **Baby Girl** : Not this again..

 **Em** : Again?

 **Baby Girl** : When I went to visit our boy genius they were arguing non-stop!

 **JJ** : Be nice you too!

 **Boy Wonder** : No way! Morgan is being a pain in the ass!

 **Em** : Ohhh someone is mad

 **Hot Chocolate** : I wouldn’t be a pain in the ass if you just did as the doctors said!

 **Bossman** : Reid, last I heard you are supposed to stay at the hospital for at least another day.

 **The Italian** : Didn’t you just get moved out of the ICU two hours ago?

 **Boy Wonder** : I am fine! I want to go home!

 **Hot Chocolate** : You aren’t going home!

 **Bossman** : You had Anthrax. You are not ready to go home.

 **Boy Wonder** : Had. That’s the keyword.

 **Em** : It’s just one more day, what’s the big deal?

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t like hospitals.

 **Baby Girl** : Why pumpkin? I like them! They are super clean, and I even like the food!

 **Boy Wonder** : They aren’t clean at all!

 **Em** : Oh boy..

 **Boy Wonder** : They are breeding grounds Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus Aureus, Vancomycin-resistant Enterococcus AND Resistant Gram-negative Bacteria. And that is just naming a few!

 **The Italian** : I guess that answers the question as to why the kid didn’t become a real doctor.

 **Hot Chocolate** : He is still ranting about germs and bacteria and shit now..

 **Boy Wonder** : I am a real doctor!

 **Bossman** : If he won’t stop then just go home Morgan

 **Hot Chocolate** : I can’t because he will just leave.

 **Em** : No, Morgan won’t go home because he is a simp.

 **Baby Girl** : OMG SIMP THAT IS PERFECT XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Great now the kid is asking me what a simp is..

 **Boy Wonder** : I know what it is. Simp: early 20th-century abbreviation of simpleton. A silly or foolish person. I don’t think Emily used the word correctly.

 **JJ** : He can’t be a simp because he is simping over dick.

 **Boy Wonder** : Huh?

 **JJ** : Hey Spence! I hope you are feeling better.

 **Boy Wonder** : Thank you JJ, I am feeling good enough to LEAVE.

 **Boy Wonder** : Wait.. silly or foolish over dick? That doesn’t even make sense.

 **Em** : P stands for Penis now instead of Pussy.

 **Baby Girl** : Is it Mediocre though?

 **JJ** : Ew I don’t wanna think about it.

 **Em** : Umm.. I don’t think any of us have ever seen it. Maybe Hotch.

 **Boy Wonder** : What are you guys talking about?

 **Bossman** : I am lost too. Maybe me what?

 **The Italian** : They think you have seen the kid’s dick and they want to know if it’s mediocre or not.

 **Em** : OMG Rossi XD

 **JJ** : How in the hell does Rossi know what simp means? XD

 **The Italian** : I get around.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Better not have Hotch.

 **Boy Wonder** : What the hell? How did you draw that conclusion??

 **Bossman** : … I don’t even want to know anymore. But no, I have never seen Reid’s penis.

 **Baby Girl** : Aww.. I was curious.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t have a mediocre dick!

 **Em** : Reid saying “dick” is weird af still.

 **Baby Girl** : How would you even know if it was mediocre??

 **Boy Wonder** : I have ridden enough to know the difference.

 **Baby Girl** : WOOOWWWWW

 **JJ** : I didn’t need to know that!

 **Em** : I mean we kinda already knew that Reid liked it up the ass.

 **Hot Chocolate** : This is not why I messaged you all.

 **Boy Wonder** : There is nothing wrong with what I like.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Great.. Now the kid is ranting about anal stimulation and the prostate….

 **Baby Girl** : LOL control yourself my king XD

 **Em** : Poor Morgan XD LMAO

 **Hot Chocolate** : KMN.

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia**

**6:41 PM**

**Derek:** BABY GIRL MAKE THE KID STOP

 **Penelope:** What is it my walking six-pack?

 **Derek:** He has been going on about the science of ass play and being submissive for five minutes!!

 **Derek:** I have to leave the room! I was getting a hard-on!

 **Penelope:** LMAO XD

 **Derek:** It’s not funny! Now I am standing in the hospital hallway with a fucking semi!

 **Penelope:** That is really funny, but I am sorry. Give it a minute and then go back in the room. He normally doesn’t keep ranting when someone leaves.

 **Derek:** Ughh I hope not.

**6:46 PM**

**Derek:** I fucked up. I FUCKED UP!

 **Penelope:** Breath. What happened?

 **Derek:** I waited in the hall for a minute like you said and when I came back in his room… He was changing.

 **Penelope:** Oh no..

 **Derek:** He had been in only a hospital gown.. And when I walked in, it was the same moment he dropped the gown to the floor.

 **Penelope:** Oh nooooo…

 **Derek:** And did I leave when I saw him drop his gown and stand their BUTT FUCKING NAKED? NO OF COURSE I DIDN’T!

 **Penelope:** Well at least he didn’t see you, right?

 **Derek:** And then he turned around… We made eye contact… Before I looked down…

 **Penelope:** OH NO.

 **Derek:** Time stood still, and we just looked at each other before I finally turned around and left. I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING! I JUST STARED AT HIM!

 **Penelope:** OHHHH NOOOOO! Go back in there and say sorry or something!

 **Derek:** I CAN’T DO THAT!

 **Penelope:** … he just messaged on the group text.

 **Derek:** Where is the closest cliff? I have a jump to make.

**BAU Group Chat**

**6:52 PM**

**Boy Wonder** : Derek stop hiding in the hall.

 **Em** : Why would he be hiding in the hall?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Don’t you dare say, kid!

 **Baby Girl** : It’s not that bad my king.

 **Boy Wonder** : He walked in on me naked.

 **Em** : WHATTT MORGAN

 **Hot Chocolate** : I didn’t think he would jump up and get dressed the minute I left the room! I was only gone for a second!

 **Boy Wonder** : You were gone for four minutes and twelve seconds before I got up and went to change.

 **Bossman** : You know you are supposed to knock, right Morgan?

 **Em** : At least Hotch knocked when he saw Reid naked.

 **Bossman** : He wasn’t naked. He was in a towel.

 **Baby Girl** : He liked it.

 **Bossman** : Garcia.

 **Em** : He didn’t deny it. I ship them too.

 **JJ** : Nah, I am still in the first ship.

 **Baby Girl** : A ship for all three!

 **Bossman** : NOOOOO

 **Hot Chocolate** : Get off my ship Hotch.

 **Boy Wonder** : What are you all talking about?

 **Em** : Sailing on a boat for three apparently

 **Hot Chocolate** : No, still two. Anywayy, Reid why didn’t you just PM me like a normal person?

 **Boy Wonder** : What’s PM?

 **JJ** : Because he isn’t normal

 **Boy Wonder** : Post meridiem? Post-mortem?

 **JJ** : Seeeee

 **Baby Girl** : It means Private Message my sick pumpkin

 **Boy Wonder** : Ohhh because I don’t have my glasses and they made me take my contacts out so this was easier. It was already open.

 **Em** : Soooo Morgan.. Was it mediocre?

 **Hot Chocolate** : …………..

 **Boy Wonder** : My dick is not mediocre! Tell them Derek!

 **Baby Girl** : OMG XD

 **Em** : Good thing Morgan is already in a hospital LOL

 **JJ** : Spence I don’t think Morgan is going to answer that..

 **Boy Wonder** : Why not? I know he saw. He looked at me facing him naked for 1 minute and 12 seconds before turning around and leaving.

 **Em** : Wowwww just stood around huh Morgan? XD

 **The Italian** : Simp.

 **JJ** : Poor Morgan XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Derek, since you are out there ignoring everyone, can you make yourself useful and go get a nurse and tell them that my chest hurts, and I am ready to leave.

 **Hot Chocolate** : No. I will get a nurse and tell them to get you more Tylenol and to strap you down so you don’t leave.

 **The Italian** : The kid is barely over Anthrax and he is getting Tylenol? Get them to give him the good stuff.

 **Boy Wonder** : I can’t take narcotics.

 **The Italian** : Oh you are allergic?

 **Bossman** : That is enough Dave.

 **Boy Wonder** : No. More like I like them too much.

 **The Italian** : I feel like I am missing something.

 **Bossman** : Because you are, now no more.

 **Em** : Anywayyy… If they strap you down Reid, make sure to tell them your safe words XD

 **JJ** : I DID NOT NEED THAT MENTAL IMAGE OF SPENCE SCREAMING SAFE WORDS IN MY HEAD.

 **Baby Girl** : When you mentally pictured him, was his dick mediocre or not?

 **JJ** : Oh God… Spence is like a brother. I do not want to picture that.

 **Boy Wonder** : Ochi for Stop. Argós for Slow. Kalós for Good.

 **JJ** : Did you just—

 **Bossman** : We didn’t need to know your safe words, Reid.

 **The Italian** : You know that means that the kid likes it rough.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yet another reason why I am still waiting outside the room.

 **Em** : What language is that?

 **Boy Wonder** : Greek.

 **Em** : Why?

 **Boy Wonder** : My first partner was Greek, and it just stuck with me.

 **Baby Girl** : Your first sexual relationship was one that needed safe words??

 **Boy Wonder** : Yes, is that not normal?

 **JJ** : Again, you are not normal.

 **Em** : Wait.. How old were you?

 **Boy Wonder** : ……………….. College-age?

 **Em** : Your college age was like 12 to 21..

 **Boy Wonder** : I think I need to rest now…..

 **The Italian** : Bets on 17.

 **Em** : I think 19

 **Baby Girl** : 18!

 **JJ** : Are we really trying to guess when Spence lost his virginity?

 **Bossman** : I think he is ignoring all of you.

 **Hot Chocolate** : He is being yelled at by a nurse right now

 **Baby Girl** : Awww why?

 **Hot Chocolate** : He tried to sneak out, but his nurse caught him.

 **Bossman** : Reid, behave or I will put you on desk duty.

 **Boy Wonder** : Damnit.

 **Em** : Looks like you are stuck there now with simp Morgan and your possibility mediocre dick.

 **Boy Wonder** : I hate you all.

 **Baby Girl** : You love us.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Finee, M stands for Magnificent.

 **Baby Girl** : I KNEW IT!

 **JJ** : Eww

 **Boy Wonder** : Huh? Derek did you just say I have a magnificent dick??

 **Em** : LMAO XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : KMN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update. I will try and update more often but this fic was made with almost no plot and just to be a fun break from my more emotional Try again, Fail again, Fail better series. 
> 
> Thank you, everyone, for all of your kind comments. It means so much. Let me know what you think and if there is something you would like to see in this fic. I am totally open to suggestions.


	10. Cancel Hot Chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts were the last one left off, which is after S4E24, "Amplification", where Reid gets Anthrax and is cured by the end of the episode.

**BAU Group Text**

**8:36 AM**

**Boy Wonder** : Someone come get me.

 **Boy Wonder** : Hurry before Derek comes back!

 **Em** : Why? Aren’t you still in the hospital?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yesss and he just left to tell the nurse that he thinks I should stay longer and to get coffee for only himself! I need to leave.

 **JJ** : If you are told to stay then you need to stay.

 **Boy Wonder** : I feel fine! Someone come get me before he comes back and finds out.

 **Bossman** : No.

 **Baby Girl** : You know this is a group chat, right Pumpkin? He is also getting these messages.

 **Boy Wonder** : …. Damnit

 **Boy Wonder** : How do I get him off the chat?

 **Baby Girl** : You can’t XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yep. I am right here..

 **Boy Wonder** : Cancel Derek Morgan.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Still Here.

 **Boy Wonder** : Cancel Hot Chocolate

 **Hot Chocolate** : Ohh calling me nicknames now ;D

 **Baby Girl** : That is not gonna work Genius

 **Boy Wonder** : 01100011 01100001 01101110 01100011 01100101 01101100 00100000 01000100 01100101 01110010 01100101 01101011 00100000 01001101 01101111 01110010 01100111 01100001 01101110

 **Baby Girl** : How do you know binary code off the top of your head??

 **Boy Wonder** : It’s easy to learn, want me to teach you, Garcia?

 **Baby Girl** : I take offense to that.

 **Em** : OMG Reid this isn’t even a computer…

 **Boy Wonder** : Did it work?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Nope, nice try Pretty Boy.

 **Em** : If you want to leave so bad then just go, call an Uber or taxi.

 **Boy Wonder** : Because Derek took my wallet last night!

 **JJ** : Oh that is not cool Morgan.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I only took it because he was trying to go downstairs for coffee at midnight! He was still connected to oxygen and an IV!

 **JJ** : Oh it’s cool than.

 **The Italian** : No one is coming to get you, kid. Just rest up.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t need rest; I need to get out of here.

 **Baby Girl** : I brought you ten books yesterday, read Reid. Lol get it? XD

 **Boy Wonder** : I finished them all in less than three hours..

 **Em** : Well you are the genius, find a way to leave.

 **Boy Wonder** : Fine! Garcia can you look up Daniel Harrelson’s phone number for me?

 **JJ** : The FBI Special Weapons and Tactics Team Unit Chief on the eighth floor?

 **Em** : Isn’t that the guy that Hotch walked in on naked at your place?

 **Bossman** : Don’t remind me..

 **Boy Wonder** : Yep. He will come get me.

 **Em** : Hotch liked it.

 **Boy Wonder** : Did you want his number too Hotch? He is always looking for different sexual partners.

 **JJ** : LMAO Spence missed the joke.

 **Bossman** : No, Reid. I do not want to have sex with your boyfriend.

 **Boy Wonder** : Not my boyfriend.

 **Bossman** : I know. I was being sarcastic.

 **Em** : Hotch knows sarcasm??

 **Boy Wonder** : Is it because he has had sex with me? Because I assure you it wouldn’t be a problem. He only tops though so you would have to bottom. I suggest you prep yourself properly beforehand as he is quite large.

 **Bossman** : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am hating this conversation.

 **Em** : OMG Reid you can’t tell your boss to properly prepare his ass XD

 **JJ** : That is another mental image I didn’t need.

 **Baby Girl** : It was a mental image I DID need XD Sooo how are you gonna prep there boss?

 **Bossman** : Garcia…

 **Boy Wonder** : I recommend a Silicone-based lubricant. Most people use water-based lubes, and that is fine for vaginal sex but is not the best choice for anal. Also do not use oil-based lube if you are using condoms as it causes the condom to break. As for as preparation, I suggest 2 to 3 fingers or an anal plug. 

**JJ** : What is happened? LMAO XD

 **Bossman** : Reid.. I am not gay, and I do not want to have sex with Harrelson..

 **Em** : That info might be useful if you get pegged by a chick Bossman.

 **Baby Girl** : I volunteer!

 **Hot Chocolate** : What the hell is pegging?

 **The Italian** : Google it, Morgan..

 **Boy Wonder** : Sexuality is a spectrum. Garcia, can you get that number for Hotch too?

 **Bossman** : No! I don’t need the number and I am not taking anything up my ass.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I wish I didn’t Google that.. Really in the middle of the hospital cafeteria..

 **Baby Girl** : No way I am getting that number. First off, I am still mad at you for assuming I don’t already know binary code. Which I do! I work on computers for God’s sack!

 **Hot Chocolate** : It’s God’s sake not sack…

 **Baby Girl** : Second, I am not going to help you break out of the hospital.

 **Baby Girl** : No it’s not. It’s God’s sack. Like because it’s all big and powerful.

 **Em** : Like.. God’s balls??

 **Baby Girl** : Yeah! He is God so you know he has some huge huevos

 **JJ** : I want to argue but that actually makes sense..

 **Boy Wonder** : … No, it doesn’t…

 **Em** : Oh, don’t start. Take a nap Reid.

 **Boy Wonder** : But if it was God’s sack then the similar euphemisms would be sack too. Like for Christ's sake would be for Christ’s sack and for Pete's sake would be Pete’s sack. That doesn’t make sense!

 **Baby Girl** : Yep. Jesus probably had a huge package, you know, being the son of God and all. No way God would send him to earth with a tiny twig and berries.

 **Em** : I hooked up with a guy named Pete once, his balls were huge af. So, it still makes sense.

 **The Italian** : You are all going to Hell.

 **Boy Wonder** : I am already there.

 **Em** : Drama queen.

 **JJ** : Wouldn’t it be drama king?

 **Em** : I will not call Reid king.

 **JJ** : Anyway. Spence, why don’t you have his number in your phone already?

 **Boy Wonder** : I never needed it. If I want to see him, I just go to the eighth floor.

 **Em** : So how do you booty call him if you can’t call him?

 **Boy Wonder** : Well I don’t do booty calls. If we want to plan a meeting than we talk about it in person. Our schedules are pretty hectic, and we are not exclusive, so we do not assume that the other is open to meet. If we need some stress relief right away then we make immediate plans but, again, only in person.

 **Em** : Wait.. Have you two ever done it in the FBI building??

 **Boy Wonder** : … I mean he has his own office.

 **Bossman** : I am pretending I didn’t read that.

 **The Italian** : Kid you can’t have sex in people’s offices.

 **Boy Wonder** : Strauss has her own office too, Rossi.

 **The Italian** : I am shutting up now.

 **JJ** : I think I am missing something..

 **Hot Chocolate** : I also have my own office..

 **Em** : Omg your office is way too close to the bullpen for that.

 **Boy Wonder** : I am confused. Did you have sex in your office too Derek?

 **Hot Chocolate** : I wish. Remind me to show you my office later ;)

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t understand. I have seen it.

 **Bossman** : Morgan you are not allowed to have your office door closed while Reid is in there from now on.

 **Em** : You shut the door when Reid is in your office all the time though Hotch XD

 **JJ** : Omg you two haven’t right?

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t understand..

 **Hot Chocolate** : For God’s sack Hotch I will fight you.

 **Baby Girl** : Yay my king said it right!

 **The Italian** : Kid, they want to know if you have ever fucked Hotch in his office.

 **JJ** : Leave it to Rossi to always get right to the point..

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh, no. I have never had sex with Hotch.

 **Baby Girl** : Would you?

 **Em** : Garcia! XD

 **Baby Girl** : What?? I would ;D

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am hating this conversation even more.

 **Bossman** : Don’t make me fire you.

 **Boy Wonder** : That would be against the fraternization policy, so no.

 **Baby Girl** : And what about if fraternization policy wasn’t a thing?

 **Boy Wonder** : Umm.. Well he is attractive and a dominant personality, which is my type, so yeah. Probably.

 **Bossman** : You are both fired.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Fire me too so I don’t have to be part of this.

 **Em** : Wait a second. What about Morgan?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Don’t.

 **Boy Wonder** : What about him?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Ouch..

 **JJ** : Omg poor Morgan.

 **Em** : I think he was really just asking, Morgan.

 **Baby Girl** : Would you have sex with Derek? Cause again, I would XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Of course. He is fit, quite attractive, dominant, strong, most likely knows what he is doing. It’s all hypothetical though because he is straight.

 **JJ** : Wow. Morgan I think you have something to tell him..

 **Em** : I guess that is good news Morgan XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Uh… Someone else come up here. I gotta go. I just had something come up…

 **Baby Girl** : Oh no, sorry.. I will be up there in a few minutes.

 **Boy Wonder** : Everything okay, Derek?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Better than okay.. Just.. wow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might be wondering, "Hey Tobias, why haven't you posted pics with your fic lately?" Well, that would be a great question. It would be because my pictures keep deleting themselves and it is driving me nuts. Every week or so I have to re-embed them on the chapters, so if anyone knows how to get them to stop doing that, I would be thrilled.  
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Any ideas for upcoming chapters? I am open to hearing them.  
> Thanks!


	11. Gay for Reid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating. I just felt like there was too much sex talk, even though it isn't graphic, for it to be rated T.

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia**

**11:44 PM Sunday**

**Derek:** Most likely knows what he is doing

 **Penelope:** What are you talking about sweetie?

 **Derek:** He said Of course. He is fit, quite attractive, dominant, strong, most likely knows what he is doing.

 **Penelope:** Okay? That was days ago.

 **Derek:** MOST LIKELY KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING?!

 **Penelope:** You are making less and less sense..

 **Derek:** I would have no idea what to do in bed with him!

 **Penelope:** Do you need the birds and the bees talk? Or.. The bees and the bees? XD

 **Derek:** It’s not funny Baby Girl! He thinks I would know what I was doing. I wouldn’t! What if I finally tell him how I feel, we date and then he dumps me because I can’t fuck him good enough!

 **Penelope:** You know that is crazy right?

 **Derek:** No it’s not! Omg.. Boy genius is more experienced than I am…

 **Penelope:** Again, so? He loves teaching people things, just be honest and he will tell you what you need to know.

 **Penelope:** Not like it matters though because YOU STILL HAVEN’T TOLD HIM HOW YOU FEEL.

 **Derek:** I have too!

 **Penelope:** In words he understands, not side hints that he will never get in a million years

 **Derek:** UGHHH

 **Penelope:** Can I go to bed now? We have work tomorrow..

 **Derek:** I know.. I will go find a man to experiment on.. Yes. That will work.

 **Penelope:** No Honey that won’t work..

 **Derek:** Baby Girl! Where is the closest gay bar to my house??

 **Penelope:** Calm down. Do you even find men attractive?

 **Derek:** I find Reid attractive.. oh god.. what if I see him naked and I don’t get turned on… What if I am in love with someone that I can never have sex with?!

 **Penelope:** ….. Have you been drinking?

 **Derek:** What if he takes his clothes off and I am met with a cock and balls and can’t perform?!

 **Penelope:** I am going to take that as a yes..

 **Derek:** I am being serious!

 **Penelope:** So am I! Look, you saw him naked the other day at the hospital right?

 **Derek:** Yeah..

 **Penelope:** And did you find him attractive even with the cock and balls?

 **Derek:** Yeah..

 **Penelope:** Okay then, stop complaining and go to sleep!

 **Derek:** BUT HOW DO I KNOW FOR SURE??

 **Penelope:** You drink less and maybe watch some gay porn.

 **Penelope:** Here, try this. http://HUBLINK: White_Nerdy_Twink_Gets_Fucked_By_Tough_Black_Man

 **Derek:** I can’t do that!

 **Penelope:** Why not? Whiskey dick?

 **Derek:** Excuse me, my dick does not go soft just from some alcohol spank you very much!

 **Derek:** I can’t watch a porn that YOU selected!

 **Penelope:** Why not? It’s a good one. I have seen it a few times.

 **Derek:** ….. did you just send me your own jack off material?

 **Penelope:** I don’t think it’s called jacking off when it’s a woman, my love.

 **Derek:** Well whatever!

 **Penelope:** I’ll send the link to your Pretty Boy and see what he thinks then >;D

 **Derek:** Don’t you dare!

 **Penelope:** He would probably give me a detailed review XD

 **Derek:** Baby Girl, nooo!

**BAU Group Chat**

**11:56 PM Sunday**

**Baby Girl** : @Boy Wonder I need your opinion on this video

 **Baby Girl** : http://HUBLINK: White_Nerdy_Twink_Gets_Fucked_By_Tough_Black_Man

 **Hot Chocolate** : YOU DID NOT

 **Baby Girl** : Ahh but I did XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Why in the group chat though?? You could have just PMed him!

 **Baby Girl** : That is what you get for keeping me up on a school night.

 **Em** : … Is that a link to porn?

 **Boy Wonder** : I have seen that one before. 8/10 My only complaint is that they did not properly prep the smaller man to take the large size of the dominant man.

 **Baby Girl** : I am not sure what I was expecting but that wasn’t it.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Pretty Boy, you actually watched that before??

 **Boy Wonder** : Yes. The company is reputable. I only watch porn from trusted companies in order to avoid underage or human trafficked sex workers.

 **JJ** : That is a good idea Spence. And Penelope! I am lying in bed with Will when I clicked on that without looking at the link description!

 **Baby Girl** : Did he like it? ;D

 **JJ** : I turned it off too fast for him to see.

 **Em** : I just finished it, pretty great. Reminds me of two men I know XD

 **Baby Girl** : That is why I watched it! :D

 **Boy Wonder** : Who?

 **Baby Girl** : Ohh gawd XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am still stuck on the idea of Spencer watching porn.

 **Boy Wonder** : Why?

 **Hot Chocolate** : I just figured you have enough casual partners to keep yourself busy..

 **Baby Girl** : Oof… No subtlety there.

 **Boy Wonder** : No. I am not seeing anyone in that manner but Daniel Harrelson right now and we both work often. Not that it is anyone’s business.

 **JJ** : Of course not Spence. You are entitled to your private life, right Morgan?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yeah, Yeah..

 **Em** : The idea of Reid jacking off is weirder than the idea of him having sex.

 **Boy Wonder** : Why? We all do it. Orgasms are very healthy as well. Promotes a healthy heart, clear skin, and reduces the risk for prostate cancer, which is somewhere I would really hate to get cancer.

 **Em** : Hey! I do not jack off.

 **Boy Wonder** : I bet you $20 that you have at least one sex toy in your nightstand.

 **Em** :….. There is a lot to hate about you Dr. Reid.

 **Baby Girl** : You were called out Emily XD lol

 **Em** : Fine! I bet you have at least one sex toy in your nightstand!

 **Boy Wonder** : No, I have a small chest under my bed.

 **Hot Chocolate** : … How many toys do you own?

 **Boy Wonder** : …….

 **JJ** : Oh god… now I am picturing Spence using sex toys and I just can’t T-T

 **Hot Chocolate** : Same.. but for different reasons.

 **Baby Girl** : Omg XD

 **Boy Wonder** : There is no point in being ashamed of masturbating, it’s human nature.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Oh really? BUT you won’t say how many toys you own?

 **Boy Wonder** : That.. uhh.. Is more personal.

 **Baby Girl** : Bets on at least 3

 **Em** : No way, he is clearly embarrassed by the number, it’s probably like 10

 **Hot Chocolate** : Why would anyone even need ten toys??

 **Boy Wonder** : Umm.. I didn’t know you were so vanilla, Derek.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am not vanilla! I just don’t see the need for toys.

 **Boy Wonder** : And that is vanilla. Toys might not be needed but they make everything better.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Maybe you can show me one day..

 **Boy Wonder** : I only show my lovers my sex toys.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Exactly ;D

 **Em** : Why do I feel like I am watching them sext….

 **JJ** : This is awkward..

 **Baby Girl** : I’m loving it :D

 **Boy Wonder** : I am confused..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Well I have to show you that I am not vanilla ;)

 **Boy Wonder** : I am even more confused..

 **Hot Chocolate** : You’re smart, you will get it.

 **Boy Wonder** :……

 **Bossman** : Garcia did you just send me gay porn?!

 **Em** : Hotch is late to the party XD

 **Baby Girl** : Well technically I sent it to Reid..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Wait, Hotch.. Did you watch it??

 **Bossman** : I clicked on the link before I read what it was..

 **Em** : Did you watch all of it though??

 **Bossman** : That doesn’t matter. Why are you sending porn in the group chat?

 **Boy Wonder** : You answered a question with a question. Classic diversion.

 **Em** : He definitely watched all of it.

 **Baby Girl** : It’s not like you didn’t know how it was going to end LOL SKEET SKEET!

 **Bossman** : Why do I put up with all of you..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Damn Hotch, like interracial gay porn, huh?

 **Baby Girl** : At least he watched all of it, unlike SOMEONE!

 **Em** : Hotch watched it all because the twink looked like Reid XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Does he really??

 **Baby Girl** : WATCH IT YOURSELF!

 **Boy Wonder** : He does not! My hair is longer, I manscape better than that and mine is bigger.

 **JJ** : WE DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THE LAST TWO SPENCE!

 **Bossman** : That is not why I watched it!

 **Em** : I bet $20 that Hotch is bi and just in the closet.

 **Baby Girl** : No way, he is just a Reid-sexual XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Join the club..

 **Bossman** : I am not gay for Reid!

 **JJ** : So you are just gay in general?

 **Bossman** : Nooo!

 **Boy Wonder** : Wait a second.. Join what club? Derek, are you bi?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Uhh… I know I am not fully straight..

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh.. I didn’t know.. Umm.. Sexual identity can be difficult. Just don’t overthink it and go with what feels right.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I wish I could baby boy.

 **Boy Wonder** : Wait, what..

 **Hot Chocolate** : I meant pretty boy!

 **Boy Wonder** : Uhh.. yeah.. okay. I am going to go to sleep now. See you all tomorrow..

 **JJ** : Night Spence!

 **Hot Chocolate** : Fucking shit…

 **Baby Girl** : It could have gone worse.

 **Em** : At least that is out there.

 **Bossman** : … Go to sleep everyone. See you at work tomorrow.

 **Bossman** : And Garcia, please don’t send me anymore porn..

 **Baby Girl** : No promises!

**07:32 AM Monday**

**The Italian** : What the hell did I miss?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I am doing with this fic, just playing it by ear and I hope that doesn't show in the work.  
> Let me know what you all think! Any ideas or whatnot are welcome.  
> Thanks for reading!


	12. Behold this Juicy Cake

**BAU Group Chat**

**Wednesday 11:10 am**

**Baby Girl** : Does anyone like cake?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Of course

 **Bossman** : We are working, Garcia.

 **The Italian** : And you are just down the hall from everyone.

 **Em** : CAKE!

 **JJ** : No cake for **Em** ily. She already got one of those sugary crappuccinos for breakfast

 **Boy Wonder** : YOU GUYS GOT STARBUCKS WITHOUT ME?!

 **Em** : Secret Starbucks JJ!

 **JJ** : Oh yeah… Sorry XD

 **Boy Wonder** : I am hurt.

 **Hot Chocolate** : The last thing you need is more coffee, kid. I have seen you get at least 4 cups already, half-filled with sugar.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t use that much sugar!

 **Bossman** : We have actually had to go over the increase of coffee and sugar the office uses in financial meetings.

 **Boy Wonder** : That isn’t my fault! Tell them to send me the reports, I can budget it properly.

 **Bossman** : The last thing I am going to do it loan you out to Financing.

 **Em** : Why not? Maybe Reid could get our jet upgraded XD

 **Bossman** : Every division has asked to borrow Reid at least once. If I give in to one, it will just encourage the rest.

 **Boy Wonder** : Other divisions have been asking to work with me and you never told me??

 **The Italian** : The last thing you need is to more work, kid.

 **Baby Girl** : BACK TO MY QUESTION! You guys like cake but do you wanna see some cake?

 **Boy Wonder** : Why would I want to just see cake?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Oh hell yeah, who’s cake?

 **JJ** : I don’t get the joke..

 **Baby Girl** : Behold this juicy cake XD

 **Baby Girl** : 

**JJ** : Okay I get it now..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Holy shit. How did I miss that!

 **Boy Wonder** : … is that me? Is that my ass?!

 **Baby Girl** : Yep XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Why did you take a picture of my ass?!

 **Baby Girl** : Because. LOOK AT THAT CAKE!

 **JJ** : I mean… those pants are kinda snug today Spence.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Hey Pretty Boy, can you go to Hotch’s office and grab the next case files.

 **Boy Wonder** : You know you are right across from me; you could have just asked with words.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Pleasseeee

 **Boy Wonder** : Fineeee

 **Bossman** : Why did you just send Reid to my office. You already have the next case files.

 **Em** : Ohh he knows XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Derek… Did you just check out my ass??

 **Baby Girl** : OMG HE WATCHED YOU LEAVE XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : I had to see for myself. DAMN THAT CAKE.

 **Boy Wonder** : Stop calling my ass cake! What does that even mean??

 **Hot Chocolate** : Thick and good enough to eat ;D

 **Boy Wonder** : ……. What.

 **The Italian** : He is saying he wants to eat your ass, kid.

 **Em** : ROSSI! XD

 **JJ** : Rossi has been spending way too much time with Garcia.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I mean, he isn’t wrong.

 **Boy Wonder** : ……………..

 **Bossman** : … What does that mean?

 **Em** : What? Eating ass?

 **Boy Wonder** : Anilingus.

 **JJ** : Rim Job

 **The Italian** : Tossing the Salad

 **Em** : Getting Brownie Points

 **Baby Girl** : Jacksonmorris!

 **Em** : What PG XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : DON’T YOU GUYS START THAT AGAIN!!

 **Bossman** : I am more confused now.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You need to get out more, man.

 **Baby Girl** : Here Boss, http://HUBLINK: HOTTIE_EATS_ASS_LIKE_GROCERIES

 **JJ** : Penelope you can’t keep sending your boss porn!

 **Em** : Omg Hotch just got up and shut his office door XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Wait, where did the kid go?

 **Em** : He is working in the conference room now.

 **Boy Wonder** : And ignoring everyone so no one looks or talks about my ass.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I can’t help looking at the cake, pretty boy.

 **Boy Wonder** : Stop making fun of me. I happen to like these pants.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am not making fun of you.. I like them too ;D

 **Baby Girl** : Shush and watch the porno.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I already told you, woman, I won’t watch porn from your spank-bank!

 **Bossman** : …. Why did it have to be gay porn?

 **Baby Girl** : Personal Preference XD I know you like it.

 **Bossman** : I don’t like men.

 **Baby Girl** : Admit it or I will go through your web history!

 **Bossman** : Garcia..

 **Baby Girl** : 3…

 **Bossman** : This is blackmail.

 **Boy Wonder** : Actually, it’s coercion.

 **Baby Girl** : 2…

 **Bossman** : I will write you up.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I thought you said this chat wasn’t for work related things.

 **Baby Girl** : 1…

 **Bossman** : FINE! I sometimes find myself looking at other men.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Same, but more like only one man.

 **Em** : I knew it!

 **The Italian** : What the hell did you Google that was bigger than that?

 **Bossman** : Garcia, you know that Penske file I said you didn’t have to work on?

 **Baby Girl** : Yes, sir..

 **Bossman** : I changed my mind. Have it on my desk by tomorrow at noon.

 **Baby Girl** : …… Yeah, I deserved that. In my defense, I didn’t think that would work XD

 **Em** : But you know.. Now that it is out there.. Do you like that cake?

 **Bossman** : What?

 **Baby Girl** : 

**Hot Chocolate** : DAMNNNN

 **Boy Wonder** : DID YOU PUT A HEART AROUND MY ASS?!

 **The Italian** : Come on Hotch, even as a straight guy I can admit that the kid’s got a nice ass.

 **Bossman** : … It’s not bad.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Back off my cake Hotch.

 **Boy Wonder** : It’s not your cake!

 **Boy Wonder** : Wait.. Damnit, it’s not cake!

 **Hot Chocolate** : A man can dream.

 **Boy Wonder** : Stop making fun of me, Derek. I am sick of it.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Ughh… It’s like talking to a wall.

 **Em** : Is this awkward for anyone else or just me?

 **JJ** : Nope. Same here.

 **Bossman** : At least you weren’t forcibly outed..

 **Baby Girl** : Okay Okay. I feel bad about that. Everyone share something personal about yourself that others on the team don’t know.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Why should I be punished because Hotch gave in to blackmail?

 **Baby Girl** : Because you witnessed it and didn’t stand up for him.

 **Baby Girl** : I will go first. I write erotica about everyone on the team.

 **Em** : Erotica? Like written porn??

 **Baby Girl** : Yep. It’s hot too. The last one I wrote had Reid with Kevin XD

 **Boy Wonder** : … You wrote me having sex with your boyfriend?

 **Baby Girl** : Duhh. He topped you real good while I watched. Who’s next?

 **Boy Wonder** : I think that is sexual harassment..

 **JJ** : I think this whole chat has been sexual harassment, Spence.

 **Em** : I will go. Since we are on the topic of topping, I like pegging men more than I like them fucking me.

 **Hot Chocolate** : The kid was right, you are a total Dom!

 **Boy Wonder** : Told you.

 **The Italian** : I am now slightly scared of **Em** ily.

 **Em** : Ohhh worried I will peg you Rossi? XD

 **Baby Girl** : I am sooo gonna write a story about that now LOL

 **Baby Girl** : Your next Rossi!

 **The Italian** : Ugh.. Once I took home this nice lady just to find out.. it was a man in drag…

 **Em** : :O Did you still do it though?

 **The Italian** : No way. I don’t like dick. They were understanding and we ended up just going to sleep.

 **Baby Girl** : You should have done it anyway XD

 **JJ** : My turn.. Uhh.. Oh! My first time wasn’t until I was 19 and it was with one of my professors in college.

 **Em** : Did you get a good grade in the class? LOL

 **JJ** : I got an A :D

 **Baby Girl** : Get some JJ! Wait, Boy Genius. You have been in college for like most your life, have you ever hooked up with a professor?

 **Boy Wonder** : Will answering that count as my turn?

 **Baby Girl** : Nope.

 **Boy Wonder** : Then no comment.

 **JJ** : That is a yes.

 **Em** : I wonder if he was the type to give head under the professor’s desk :O

 **Boy Wonder** : Still no comment.

 **Baby Girl** : No fun! Hunk Muffin, your turn!

 **JJ** : Hunk Muffin?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Damn… Okay. So I once accidentally sent a dick pic to my mom..

 **Em** : Poor Mrs. Morgan LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yeah.. She wasn’t happy.

 **JJ** : How do you even make that mistake?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Hey! The chick's name was Francesca and my momma’s name is Fran. That is an easy mistake!

 **Boy Wonder** : Maybe for you.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Don’t you start Pretty Boy! I bet you have sent someone a dick pic on mistake.

 **Boy Wonder** : Nope. I have never sent a dick pic.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Really? Never?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yep. I find that women don’t actually want to see random cock and men would rather just come over and see it in person.

 **Em** : … Did Reid just say cock?

 **JJ** : I am pretending I didn’t see that.

 **Baby Girl** : Imagine him saying cock out loud XD I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : Anddd this is why I am still in the conference room.

 **The Italian** : And so Morgan and Hotch don’t check out your ass.

 **Bossman** : I might find some men attractive, but I was not checking out Reid’s ass. I don’t go around eyeing my subordinates.

 **JJ** : Garcia and Emily were looking too.

 **Baby Girl** : Hell yeah I was. You should wear tight pants more often XD

 **Em** : Hey! I was not! I only looked after the picture was sent!

 **The Italian** : Watch out kid, she is gonna peg you next.

 **Em** : I mean he does like it in the ass XD

 **Boy Wonder** : I am filing a complaint with HR.

 **Bossman** : Same.

 **Em** : Sooo which strap on would you prefer? I have a black one and a pink one.

 **JJ** : OMG Emily!

 **Baby Girl** : Yep, I am definitely writing about this next. I will call it Brains Under Beauty.. Get it? Like the saying Brains Over Beauty?

 **JJ** : I can hear Garcia laughing in her lair from my office.

 **Boy Wonder** : Black.

 **Boy Wonder** : WAIT NO I MEAN NEITHER! Damnit..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Ohhhhh so you like them black, huh? ;)

 **Boy Wonder** : I give up, I am going on lunch.

 **Baby Girl** : Wait! You never shared your personal thing!

 **Boy Wonder** : Fine. But I will not be answering any follow-up questions.

 **Boy Wonder** : I have a major crush on someone that works in the office and I know they will never like me back.

 **Baby Girl** : Well I wasn’t expecting that..

 **JJ** : Wow.. I am sure they would like you back Spence.

 **Em** : Anyone know who he is talking about?

 **Bossman** : Not a clue.

 **The Italian** : Nope.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Shit..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!  
> Let me know what you think! :D


	13. It’s a Pull Out Too. Unlike Me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place right after the last... Okay, that sounds redundant but basically this is the next day XD

**Private Message**

**Spencer Reid and Jennifer Jareau**

**3:54 AM Thursday**

**Spencer** : JJ I need helpppp

 **JJ** : Spence, why in the hell are you up?

 **Spencer** : I could ask you the same thing.

 **JJ** : Your godson doesn’t understand that nighttime is for sleep yet.

 **Spencer** : By five months old only about 50% of babies copy the routine of their parents while the other half sleep how they want, yet is completely normal for all ages up to 18 months to wake in the middle of the night for feedings or help being soothed back to sleep.

 **JJ** : Did you message me at 4 am just to tell me baby statistics or did you need something?

 **Spencer** : Well.. I am confused.

 **JJ** : Oh no. The world is ending.

 **Spencer** : Rudeee

 **JJ** : Spencer Reid, it is 4 am and a baby is currently sucking the life out of my boobs so if you could get to the point.

 **Spencer** : Ughh well I was rereading the texts from the group chat..

 **JJ** : You literally just told me yesterday that you were deleting them.

 **Spencer** : Rereading in my head.

 **JJ** : Why did I expect anything different, go on.

 **Spencer** : And I really don’t understand what Derek is doing. Ever since we started this group chat, he has gotten more… I don’t know. He picks on me more.

 **JJ** : Oh honey..

 **Spencer** : What?? I don’t get it, okay? Like yesterday, he made me get up so he could check out my ass and then make fun of me for it and he made that joke about eating my ass.

 **JJ** : Okay, first off. Why should I help you if you won’t even tell me who you like?

 **Spencer** : That is not relevant to the question I asked.

 **JJ** : To be fair, you didn’t ask any questions.

 **Spencer** : JJ! Come onnnn

 **JJ** : At least tell me if it is a boy or girl?

 **Spencer** : We are adults here.

 **JJ** : Fine, man or woman?

 **Spencer** : That is not what I meant…

 **JJ** : Hmm.. Is it Emily? Penelope?

 **Spencer** : While I can appreciate their attractiveness, no.

 **JJ** : You said it was someone that works in the office, so I am assuming they are on our floor and we see them often. Right?

 **Spencer** : Are you trying to use linguistics on my text message?

 **JJ** : You answered a question with a question, so that is a yes. You also said it was someone that would never like you back, so they are probably a male you assume is straight, someone in a higher position than you or someone strictly in the ‘friendzone’.

 **Spencer** : This is not why I texted you..

 **JJ** : Is it Rossi? :O

 **Spencer** : Noooooooo! He is like a dad.

 **JJ** : Like a… daddy?

 **Spencer** : JJ! You need to spend less time with Emily and Garcia.

 **JJ** : Well it’s not me …. Right?

 **Spencer** : Definitely not. That crush is long gone.

 **JJ** : Wait, you had a crush on me?

 **Spencer** : I thought that was obvious.

 **JJ** : Looks like you aren’t the only oblivious one then. Ohh! Agent Anderson?!

 **Spencer** : Hell no!

 **JJ** : Hotch or Morgan??

 **Spencer** : No way, Hotch is my boss. My job is more important to me than riding him.

 **JJ** : OMG EWW don’t talk about riding Hotch, I have an overactive imagination and I don’t want to picture that!

 **Spencer** : I would teach him what eating ass really is XD

 **JJ** : STOPPPP YOU ARE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!

 **Spencer** : I would show Hotch how I don’t have a gag reflex and let him cum all over my face.

 **JJ** : Dr. Spencer Walter Reid!! You stop that!! I am holding a baby!!

 **Spencer** : Okay. Okay. It’s what you get for being nosey though.

 **JJ** : Wait a second… I asked Hotch or Morgan and you said no to only Hotch. What about Morgan?? Is it Morgan???

 **Spencer** : I think I am getting tired now.

 **JJ** : OMFG IT’S MORGAN! WOWWWWWWW

 **Spencer** : I didn’t say that… Just… Will you help me out or not?

 **JJ** : I am still freaking out about you being in love with Morgan.

 **Spencer** : I am not in love with anyone! It’s just a crush and I never said it was Morgan.

 **JJ** : You also aren’t NOT saying it.

 **Spencer** : That is a double negative. They would cancel each other out. Not a structurally sound sentence.

 **JJ** : Don’t rub your linguistics crap in my face. It’s 4 am!

 **Spencer** : Fine, help me.

 **JJ** : What is the issue again?

 **Spencer** : Why does Morgan keep making fun of me and making those flirty jokes? They are just getting on my nerves at this point.

 **JJ** : You poor thing… All I can say is, next time it happens, think about what is being said as if it were two people of interest on a case. What conclusion would you make if person A was saying that to person B? Okay?

 **Spencer** : Yes! That helps. I can do that.

 **JJ** : Now Spence, tell me about this “crush”.

 **Spencer** : Got to go! See you at work! Thanks again!!

 **JJ** : Ugh you suck

 **Spencer** : And swallow.

 **JJ** : EWWWWWWWW

**BAU Group Chat**

**Thursday 10:08 AM**

**Baby Girl** : @Bossman Why do I have to be here?! This seminar is pointless to me.

 **Bossman** : It is required for all FBI agents every six months, which includes you, Garcia. Now stop texting and pay attention.

 **Baby Girl** : I don’t carry a gun or talk to people. So “Gun Safety” and “Master the Art of Working with People” is BS.

 **JJ** : There are more topics to come.

 **Em** : Like sexual harassment. That is def for you PG.

 **Baby Girl** : No way! I am not that bad!

 **Em** : Then tell me, how is that erotic about me pegging Reid going?

 **Baby Girl** : Oh! It’s actually almost done! Ima send it to you when I am done :D

 **JJ** : I think you missed the point..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Speaking of Reid, where did he end up sitting?

 **Bossman** : Front row to the right because he cares about FBI training, unlike you texters.

 **Baby Girl** : Oh, relax G-Man. This place is packed with almost the whole FBI building. They aren’t going to notice us texting.

 **Em** : I think Dr. Cares about FBI Training is falling asleep on himself.

 **JJ** : That is what he gets for being up all night.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Don’t worry, I will wake him up.

 **Em** : Up all night?

 **Baby Girl** : Did you two have a sleepover without me? T-T

 **Boy Wonder** : Did someone just throw a paper ball at my head??

 **Hot Chocolate** : Score!

 **Boy Wonder** : Derek! I don’t appreciate paper balls hitting my head.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Ohhh, well if not paper balls then what kinda balls do you like hitting you? ;D

 **Boy Wonder** : ….. Interesting.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Huh?

 **JJ** : No, he texted me at like 4 am while I was nursing Henry about some.. office related issue…

 **Bossman** : What issue?

 **Boy Wonder** : Don’t you say it JJ!

 **JJ** : I would never Spence. But I will say that you said, and I quote, “I would show Hotch how I don’t have a gag reflex and let him cum all over my face.”

 **Em** : Holy Shit.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Explain!

 **Bossman** : Uhhhh.. Reid.

 **Boy Wonder** : NOOO THAT IS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT!!

 **Baby Girl** : And do you care to explain the context for the class?

 **Boy Wonder** : No not really..

 **Em** : You hear that though gentlemen, no gag reflex. Yet another talent to add to Dr. Reid’s resume.

 **Boy Wonder** : JJ!!

 **JJ** : You are the one that said it XD It is what you get for trying to freak me out and for texting me at 4 am.

 **Boy Wonder** : You were already up!

 **JJ** : You didn’t know that though.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Can someone explain??

 **JJ** : I was trying to figure out who Spence had a crush on.

 **Hot Chocolate** : …….

 **Em** : Ouch. Well, at least now we know it’s Hotch.

 **Bossman** : I think this seminar covers the fraternization policy as well….

 **Baby Girl** : Idk if I should be excited or upset..

 **Boy Wonder** : Noooooooooo JJ! YOU DIDN’T EXPLAIN IT THE WHOLE WAY!

 **JJ** : LOL XD It’s not my fault they let their minds jump to conclusions.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Sooo… You don’t wanna fuck Hotch?

 **Boy Wonder** : Nooooo!

 **Boy Wonder** : Wait! I mean, yes. Ughhh

 **Boy Wonder** : JJ asked me if my crush was on Hotch and I said no, my job is more important than riding his dick…. Okay, so I probably should have worded that differently.

 **Baby Girl** : And the jizzing on your face part?

 **Em** : Who says the word Jizz anymore..

 **Baby Girl** : It is still up to date lingo!

 **Em** : Lingo? Your old is showing.

 **Baby Girl** : You are older than me!

 **Hot Chocolate** : Anywayyyy.. Explain, Kid.

 **Boy Wonder** : I was just trying to freak JJ out by saying pervy stuff about Hotch..

 **JJ** : He also told me that he swallows.

 **Em** : Who doesn’t swallow these days? Spitters are quitters.

 **JJ** : Not you too! How can you swallow that?!

 **Boy Wonder** : I mean.. It’s already in your mouth, spitting would just make even more of a mess.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Damn that is hot..

 **Boy Wonder** : JJ! See what I was talking about!

 **JJ** : Just remember what I told you, person A and B.

 **Bossman** : The instructor has moved on to the sexual harassment part of the seminar and you guys are texting about swallowing semen during it.

 **Em** : Not yours though, because Reid wants that all over his face.

 **Boy Wonder** : Actually, semen is good for your skin. It has a compound called spermine that can help reduce wrinkles, smooth the skin, prevent acne, and give you healthy-looking skin.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I can help you with that, Pretty Boy ;D

 **Boy Wonder** : Omg..

 **JJ** : Get it now, Spence?

 **Em** : Why does it look like JJ and Reid are having a silent conversation from across the room?

 **Baby Girl** : Ohh I hate not being included, what are you two talking about?

 **Baby Girl** : Wait a second, speaking of being included, where is Rossi??

 **Bossman** : He had a meeting with Strauss about something important I guess.

 **Em** : He is banging her in her office.

 **Baby Girl** : Whatttt Rossi and Strauss?!

 **Bossman** : I cannot confirm or deny that..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Oh yeah, @Boy Wonder I still gotta show you my office XD

 **Baby Girl** : Didn’t you just get a new sofa?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yep, It’s a pull out too. Unlike me. 

**Em** : Did you just—

 **Hot Chocolate** : I mean, to paraphrase Pretty Boy, if its already there, pulling out would just make even more of a mess ;D

 **Boy Wonder** : OMG JJ NOOOO

 **JJ** : Yep. He gets it now.

 **Baby Girl** : Gets what?

 **Em** : Why does Reid look like he is about to have a panic attack in the front row?

 **JJ** : Because he just realized something, and I think it’s broken him.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Realized what?

 **Em** : No way, he finally got it??

 **Boy Wonder** : Derek… Uhh…

 **Boy Wonder** : I gotta go.

 **Bossman** : Reid you can’t just leave during this.

 **JJ** : And he is gone.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Wait… Did he understand me?

 **JJ** : Yep. I think he finally got your painfully obvious message.

 **Hot Chocolate** : And he ran… Great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like this chapter wasn't as funny but I needed to move the plot along. I hope you all liked it!  
> Let me know what you think! :D


	14. I was a Felon!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reference to the “SHIP THEM” group chat and nicknames is to a section in chapter eight.

**SHIP THEM Group Chat**

**Contacts include: Penelope Garcia, Aaron Hotchner (Lover Boss), Derek Morgan (Lover Man), Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau (JJ), David Rossi**

**Saturday 1:22 PM EST**

**Lover Man** : Alright. Where the hell is he??

 **Penelope:** Where is who?

 **Lover Man** : Don’t play dumb with me, Baby Girl.

 **Lover Man** : Also, how in the hell do I change my name on here?

 **Emily** : Don’t change it, it’s fitting.

 **Penelope:** Nope, I have no clue.

 **Lover Man** : No, it’s not.

 **Emily** : Soo.. You aren’t asking about a certain genius right now?

 **Lover Man** : ….. Just tell me where he is.

 **JJ** : Like I told you yesterday and everyday since Monday, he took two weeks of vacation time to finish his Philosophy degree at home.

 **Lover Man** : But he isn’t home!

 **Emily** : Huh?

 **David** : Stalker.

 **Lover Man** : I am not stalking him! He wasn’t answering my calls or texts, so I dropped by his apartment and he wasn’t there.

 **JJ** : He might just be really into his book. You know how he gets when he reads.

 **Penelope:** Ohh maybe he was in the bath! I gave him these great bath salts a few weeks ago.

 **David** : Why does it not surprise me that the kid takes baths?

 **Emily** : Because he is basically a child.

 **JJ** : He would be so mad if he knew you guys were calling him a child.

 **Emily** : He gets mad like a child too XD

 **Lover Man** : No, he wasn’t there at all.

 **Emily** : And how would you know? Was his car gone?

 **David** : He has a car? Why does he always take the bus or make us drive him?

 **Penelope:** He drives like a grandma XD

 **Lover Man** : I might have used my spare key to go inside..

 **Emily** : Shame. Shame. Shame.

 **Penelope:** Did you just quote Game of Thrones?!

 **Emily** : Hell yeah! That show is awesome!

 **JJ** : What is it about?

 **Emily** : Dragons and naked people.

 **David** : I am in.

 **Lover Man** : Can we get back on topic now??

 **JJ** : Oh yeah, you broke into his apartment.

 **Lover Man** : I didn’t break in. He hasn’t talked to me since he ran out of the FBI training seminar over a week ago. I was worried.

 **Emily** : He might of just stepped out. He lives on take out food.

 **Lover Man** : His suitcase was gone..

 **JJ** : You went through his stuff??

 **Penelope:** Hello Therapy..

 **Lover Man** : I didn’t go through his stuff. I just have been to his place a lot and the suitcase wasn’t in the corner of his room like normal.

 **Emily** : You have been in his bedroom??

 **Lover Man** : You guys are focusing on all the wrong things..

 **Emily** : Okay, so he might have taken a little trip. That’s not a big deal.

 **JJ** : He didn’t tell me anything about a trip.. I will call him.

 **Lover Man** : Thank you, JJ.

 **Emily** : PG, couldn’t you just track him?

 **Penelope:** I could, but I refuse to track our baby genius for Lover Man.

 **Lover Man** : How do I change the nickname?? I hate this!

 **Lover Boss** : Same…

 **Penelope:** But you are a Lover Boss XD

 **Emily** : Omg LOL I forgot about the Love(r) Triangle

 **Lover Man** : We aren’t in a lover triangle!

 **Lover Boss** : It’s not a Love(r) Triangle!

 **Emily** : You guys are even starting to sound alike XD

 **David** : Ah young love.

 **Lover Boss** : Not you too, Dave…

 **JJ** : Spence didn’t answer.. He always answers me. He even has a set ringtone for everyone, so he knows to answer..

 **Penelope:** I am sure he is fine Jayje. Maybe he is on a date or something.

 **Lover Man** : … great.

 **Penelope:** He might know that you have a little crush on him but that doesn’t mean he is yours, Hot Chocolate.

 **Emily** : What is the ringtone?

 **Lover Man** : I would talk to him about it if he would just answer the damn phone!

 **JJ** : … Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson…

 **Emily** : LOL WHY

 **JJ** : Ugh, something about him thinking I am a secret redneck, country girl.

 **David** : Grew up in a small town, beer drinker, good at bar games, plus you like the Redskins. Yep. I can see it.

 **JJ** : I am not a redneck…

 **Emily** : The song literally says, “I stand barefooted in my own front yard with a baby on my hip” and I have seen you do that with Henry.

 **Lover Man** : Guys, this is not helping find Spencer..

 **Penelope:** What! He has a song for everyone?? What is mine :O

 **JJ** : Happy by Pharrell Williams

 **Penelope:** THAT IS SOO ME!

 **Lover Man** : Alright then.. We are just ignoring me again I see.

 **Lover Boss** : Reid is fine. Don’t worry.

 **Lover Man** : How do you know Hotch?

 **Emily** : Bet Reid is in Hotch’s bed right now.

 **Lover Man** : Better fucking not.

 **Penelope:** OMG Derek. He isn’t yours. He can fuck Hotch if he wants.

 **Lover Boss** : He isn’t in my bed..

 **Emily** : Ohh you guys fucked on the sofa then? XD Whatever works

 **Lover Boss** : I didn’t fuck Reid! I just know he is okay because I am his boss, remember?

 **JJ** : Did he teach you how to eat ass like he said?

 **Emily** : Omg JJ XD

 **Lover Boss** : No!

 **David** : Damn. Aaron, you just admitted to your team that you don’t know how to eat ass.

 **Penelope:** How vanilla of you XD

 **Lover Boss** : You eat ass, Dave?!

 **David** : Of course. Get with the times, Aaron.

 **Emily** : Hotch wants to fuck Rossi now.

 **Penelope:** Who do you think would top?

 **JJ** : Stick to one BAU member at a time Lover Boss XD LOL

 **Lover Boss** : I hate you all.

 **Lover Man** : Same…

 **David** : I am not interested in men but if I was, I would not bottom.

 **Emily** : You just need an experienced Top to show you how to have a good time XD

 **Penelope:** Ohh yeah! I finished that Emily pegging Rossi erotica if anyone wants to read it :D

 **Lover Man** : I am about to pull my hair out over here..

 **JJ** : You are bald..

 **Emily** : Job complete! LOL And yesss PG! Send it to my email!

 **Penelope:** Don’t worry, Reid is just at Hotch’s place.

 **Lover Man** : …..

 **Lover Boss** : He is not!

 **Lover Man** : Then where is he??

 **Lover Boss** : Ugh. He told me not to tell anyone. I have to keep his privacy.

 **JJ** : Garcia, can you check? I am a little worried.

 **Penelope:** I am on it!

 **Lover Man** : Baby Girl! You track him for her but not me!

 **Penelope:** Yep. I love you my tall mocha, but you can get a bit possessive and as you two aren’t an item, I am not giving into your jealousy.

 **Lover Man** : I am not jealous.

 **Emily** : Yes you are.

 **JJ** : Completely jealous.

 **Lover Man** : Protective. Not jealous. And can you blame me? The kid is always getting himself into trouble.

 **Penelope:** He seems to have turned his location service off, but I can get a range.

 **JJ** : Where is he?

 **Penelope:** Uhh… California.. Around the Caltech area.

 **Lover Man** : What?! He left the fucking state and didn’t tell us??

 **Lover Boss** : I knew.

 **Lover Man** : God Damnit Hotch.

 **Emily** : Why is he in CA? I thought he was getting his philosophy degree at Georgetown.

 **JJ** : That’s what he told me..

 **Penelope:** I am looking now.. I see that he is enrolled in Georgetown. He is actually listed as having finished his BA in philosophy Monday.

 **Lover Man** : So, he says he needs two weeks off to finish is degree, he finishes it in one day and then flies across the country to his old college? WTF..

 **Emily** : I mean, it wasn’t really a lie. He did take the time to finish the degree. He just didn’t say what he was gonna do afterwards.

 **JJ** : That’s it. I am not bringing him Starbucks for a month after this.

 **Em** ily: Ouch, hitting him where it hurts. His coffee addiction.

 **David** : I thought caffeine was supposed to suppress growth. Can you imagine how tall he would be if he didn’t drink coffee like water?

 **Lover Boss** : I think that is just a myth.

 **JJ** : Spence would be able to tell us if he wasn’t hiding in CA.

 **Lover Man** : So you admit that he is hiding!

 **Emily** : Duh. He basically ran once he figured out you got the hots for him.

 **Lover Man** : … I made him run across the country.. That can’t be a good sign..

 **Penelope:** So.. According to some private social media accounts, that you don’t want to know how I got access too, Reid is hanging out with some old college friends..

 **Lover Boss** : No breaking the law again, Garcia.

 **Penelope:** Oh sugar, if only you knew XD

 **David** : Break the law again?

 **Penelope:** I was a felon!

 **Emily** : I am pretty sure you aren’t supposed to be happy about that.

 **Lover Man** : Hold up. You said social media accounts. Were there pictures?

 **Penelope:** … Yes, but I do not think you should see them.

 **Emily** : Ohh I want to see now!

 **JJ** : What is he doing in them?

 **Penelope:** Nothing bad.. He just seems to be having a little too much fun.

 **Lover Man** : Please, Penelope.

 **Emily** : Oh he said please and is using your first name. He is real worried :O

 **Penelope:** Fine. But if you get upset, that is not on me.

**Penelope:**

**Penelope:**

**Penelope:**

**Lover Man** : Fuck. Who the fuck is that guy he is kissing??

 **Emily** : I am more focused on the fact that Reid is wearing women’s leggings that looked like they belong to the chick next to him.

 **JJ** : Does he seem a little off in the first picture?

 **Lover Boss** : What do you mean?

 **JJ** : He just has that glazed over.. high look.

 **Lover Man** : Wait.. You don’t think?

 **Penelope:** No way, he wouldn’t. Right?

 **David** : I am missing something.

 **Emily** : He could just be drunk. Doesn’t he drink sometimes?

 **Lover Man** : Rarely. He is a light weight.

 **David** : Wait a second. Is the kid a tweaker? A tweaker and a twink..

 **JJ** : No Rossi! He stopped. It’s been like two years. He wouldn’t do that..

 **Lover Man** : Hotch..

 **Lover Boss** : Calling him now.

 **Emily** : … I wonder what Reid’s ringtone is for Hotch.

 **JJ** : Secret Agent Man by Johnny Rivers XD

 **Penelope:** I thought that song said, ‘Secret Asian man’ for way too long.

 **Emily** : OMG SAME XD

 **David** : What is my ringtone?

 **JJ** : …. On top of spaghetti..

 **Emily** : The children’s song?!

 **Penelope:** Omg I am wheezing over here! He gave you a spaghetti ring tone! XD

 **David** : … I want to be mad. But I love spaghetti…

 **JJ** : Don’t worry, Emily’s ringtone is S&M by Rihanna

 **Emily** : OMG I LOVE THAT SONG

 **Penelope:** Omg he really does have that firm belief that you are a dom XD

 **Lover Man** : I am scared to know mine..

 **JJ** : Uhh.. Idk if I should say.

 **Em** ily: Oh come on. All he would have to do is call Reid within earshot to know what the song is.

 **JJ** : True.. Yeah okay. All of Me by John Legend

 **Lover Man:** But.. That is a love song.

 **Emily** : Oh shit. A powerful one too.

 **Lover Boss** : I just finished talking with him. He is going to message in the group chat.

**BAU Group Chat**

**Saturday 2:15 PM EST**

**Boy Wonder** : I am not high guys. Can you let me be now?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Fuck no. You left for CA and told no one! That is some BS, kid.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t have to tell anyone but my unit chief, and I did that.

 **JJ** : But we are your friends, Spence. I was worried.

 **Boy Wonder** : I am sorry for not answering. I just wanted some time alone.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yeah, looks like you weren’t really alone though..

 **Boy Wonder** : What are you getting at, Derek?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Idk, maybe the picture of you kissing some random dude and you sitting next to some chick in pants that are clearly hers. But you know, you do you.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t owe you any explanation. I could let the whole Caltech campus run a train through me and I wouldn’t owe you shit, okay?

 **Bossman** : Reid.. Maybe you need to go calm down.

 **Em** : Is this awkward for anyone else…

 **Baby Girl** : Nope, It’s weird.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Listen, kid. I don’t know what you THINK you know but hiding in CA, ignoring me and all your friends and fucking all your college friends isn’t gonna fix anything.

 **Boy Wonder** : I am not fucking all my old friends. I am just having a good time. Not that it’s your business..

 **Boy Wonder** : Now, I will see you all next Monday. I am sorry for any stress I caused.

 **Em** ily: Well that was.. strange..

 **Penelope:** Yep. That def could have gone better.

 **JJ** : At least we know he is safe and not on drugs..

 **Hot Chocolate** : FML

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you all think!!


	15. Depressticle Testicles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is almost one week after the last chapter, chapter fourteen. Spencer is still on vacation but is supposed to return Monday.

**BAU Group Chat**

**Friday 9:22 PM EST**

**Bossman** : Good work on the case today, I know it was a tough one. Did everyone make it home okay?

 **Em** : Yes, DAD.

 **Baby Girl** : YES DADDYY XD

 **JJ** : I thought Rossi was the dad.

 **Hot Chocolate** : So Hotch is the mom?

 **Baby Girl** : YES MOMMYY… Nope not as hot LOL

 **Bossman** : I am not mommy! This is what I get for caring…

 **Em** : No way, Hotch is the dad and Rossi is the uncle of pasta.

 **The Italian** : What the hell is the uncle of pasta?

 **Hot Chocolate** : You, apparently.

 **Bossman** : No clue.. I am just glad I am not the mom anymore.

 **Em** : You love pasta like it was a child.

 **Em** : **JJ** is the mom.

 **JJ** : I am okay with that.

 **The Italian** : That is not even true!

 **JJ** : What did you have for dinner, Rossi?

 **The Italian** : …. Shrimp Scampi with Linguini

 **JJ** : And the day before?

 **The Italian** : …….

 **Hot Chocolate** : You need to chill on the carbs, man.

 **Baby Girl** : Noooooo, Rossi is Papa! Get it?! Papa Rossi??

 **Hot Chocolate** : Nope

 **Bossman** : I don’t get it.

 **Em** : OHHHH! Like paparazzi!

 **JJ** : Sometimes I think those two are in their little own world XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Seems more fun than this one.

 **Baby Girl** : Stop being a sad sack.

 **Em** : *Depressticle Testicles*

 **JJ** : OMG EMILY LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : Me AND my balls are not sad so STFU

 **Baby Girl** : Omg they probably are sad!

 **Hot Chocolate** : WTF? NO, THEY AREN’T!

 **Em** : When is the last time you had a ‘date’ then?

 **Hot Chocolate** : …. I have been busy.

 **JJ** : Busy pining.

 **Em** : TRUE

 **The Italian** : Haven’t you all gotten sick of each other yet? We just spent the WHOLE week together in New York on the case and now once we are home, you guys start texting..

 **Baby Girl** : You are just mad because you aren’t the daddy.

 **Bossman** : I resign, Dave. Take my title.

 **JJ** : You both can be the dads.

 **Em** : Ahh what a lovely couple.

 **The Italian** : No way in hell

 **Bossman** : Over my dead body

 **Baby Girl** : Don’t be so rude to your husband!

 **Em** : Who do you think would bottom?

 **JJ** : Oh God… I don’t want that mental image…

 **Baby Girl** : Rossi would totally bottom.

 **The Italian** : NO I WOULDN’T!

 **Em** : Oh okay. Guys, he said he is the top.

 **The Italian** : Noooooo

 **Baby Girl** : Well you have to pick one.

 **Em** : Omg, Rossi sucking dick would be WEIRDDDD

 **The Italian** : Women! I pick women.

 **Em** : That is no way to speak in front of your husband and kids.

 **The Italian** : A little help here, Aaron?

 **Bossman** : Nope. I am just glad they aren’t picking on me this time.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Does that make us the kids?

 **Baby Girl** : Nope, I am totally the fun aunt that gives the kids candy and teaches them how to hack.

 **Em** : Looks like Morgan and Reid are the only kids.

 **JJ** : Wait, what about you?

 **Em** : I am the best friend of the gay dads. I supply wine when their children are being brats.

 **Baby Girl** : So.. Always? XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : NOPE! You cannot make me Reid’s sibling in this sick game of house. I would rather be the dog.

 **Em** : …. You chose bestiality over incest. Weird flex but okay.

 **Hot Chocolate** : WHAT?! NOOO.

 **Baby Girl** : I mean, you did say it..

 **Hot Chocolate** : I said I would be a dog! That’s it!

 **Em** : Sure, Sure.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Screw all of you. I am going to sleep.

 **The Italian** : SAME

 **Em** : Ohh don’t be such a downer you two.

 **JJ** : Plus, you two should be nice to Garcia after she was able to crack the cipher that led to the unsub. We would still be in New York right now if she hadn’t done that.

 **Em** : How did you do that anyway? I was sure we were fucked without Reid there to crack it.

 **Baby Girl** : …. I outsourced to someone in the FBI that could help… No big deal

 **JJ** : Who?

 **Baby Girl** : They didn’t want any credit.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Ohh looks like my Baby Girl is hiding something.

 **Baby Girl** : I thought you went to bed..

 **Bossman** : You might as well tell them; you are going to have to include the name in your paperwork anyway.

 **JJ** : Hotch knows and we don’t? Rude

 **Bossman** : No. I don’t know. I just have a guess.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Out with it, Baby Girl!

 **Baby Girl** : But I promised not to say! T-T

 **Em** : Ohh come on! Must be a robot to understand that cipher in such a short time.

 **Boy Wonder** : Not a robot, just a genius.

 **JJ** : Spence! How are you??

 **Em** : You cracked it?!

 **Boy Wonder** : I am well, JJ. How are you and Henry?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yes, took me less than an hour too

 **Bossman** : I guessed right.

 **JJ** : Great, Spence :)

 **Baby Girl** : Ohh look at the boy genius brag XD

 **Em** : Shit, I would brag too! Thanks for that! I tried to crack that thing for hours. I got nowhere.

 **Boy Wonder** : It was no problem, happy to help.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Hold on! Are we just gonna pretend like the kid hasn’t been ignoring us for almost two weeks??

 **Em** : That was my plan.

 **JJ** : Yep

 **Baby Girl** : He answered me when I needed him too.. Soo…

 **Boy Wonder** : I wasn’t ignoring anyone. I got everyone’s messages; I just didn’t always answer.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I texted you like 10 times and called like 5 times and you couldn’t shoot me a text or anything? WTF Spencer.

 **Boy Wonder** : 14 texts and 7 calls… I read them and listened to the voicemails, but I didn’t feel like talking to you.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Oh, to me? Just to me. I get it..

 **Boy Wonder** : I didn’t mean that. I told you before I just needed some time alone.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Alone? Yeah, sure.

 **Baby Girl** : ….. Daddies and Mommy, make them stop..

 **Bossman** : No thanks.

 **Em** : No, don’t make them stop. It’s like a soup opera

 **JJ** : … You mean soap, not soup..

 **Em** : Nope. I meant what I said. Like Chicken Soup for the Soul.

 **Boy Wonder** : Fine, Derek. Want the truth? I was avoiding you. I still am.

 **Hot Chocolate** : But why?

 **Em** : There are two pairs of Depressticle Testicles now…

 **Boy Wonder** : Why the hell do you think?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Just because you found out l like you?

 **Em** : Guys.. he said it.

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah, right… You are a straight man and womanizer that has spent the past few years since I join the BAU making fun of me in every way you could. I am not falling for this sick joke.

 **Em** : And that’s on low self-esteem.

 **JJ** : **Em** ily, you know they can see your texts too, right?

 **Em** : Shhhhhhhh

 **Hot Chocolate** : Joke.. You think this has all been a joke?

 **Boy Wonder** : That’s the only thing that makes sense. I would appreciate it if you stopped now.. it just hurts.

 **Baby Girl** : Oh baby… it’s not a joke..

 **Hot Chocolate** : If it was a joke.. why would it hurt bad enough for you to run away to CA? Unless you… Do you like me back?

 **Boy Wonder** : I have had a long day and I am heading to bed. I will see you all on Monday.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You can’t just keep ignoring me.

 **Em** : … I think he can and will.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Great…

 **JJ** : Isn’t it only like 7 pm in California right now?

 **Baby Girl** : He told me he was heading home today when I talked to him earlier.

 **Em** : Wait! He cracked that cipher while on a plane??

 **Baby Girl** : Or at the airport, yep.

 **Em** : Show off!

 **Bossman** : I think everyone should head to bed now.

 **Em** : Sure thing, dad.

 **Baby Girl** : Nighty night, DADDY!

 **Bossman** : Why can’t I just have a regular team..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was shorter, lame. I hope you enjoyed it anyways.  
> Let me know what you all thing! :D


	16. Lucky Pierre

**BAU Group Chat**

**Sunday 11:56 AM EST**

**Boy Wonder** : Hey.. Can ssomeone come geet me?

 **JJ** : Are you okay, Spence?

 **Hot Chocolate** : What’s going on?

 **Boy Wonder** : My friend ditched mee ande I lost my walllet

 **Em** : AND you are drunk, aren’t you?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yess maam! :D

 **Baby Girl** : Ohh drunk Reid is fun!

 **JJ** : How did you get drunk?? You never drink

 **Boy Wonder** : An enzyme called alcohol deehyydrogennase is responsible for breaking down alcohol to acetaldehyde and that is then further broken down to aceettic acid. Getting drunk happens when you consume allcohol faster than you break it down.

 **JJ** : That wasn’t what I meant..

 **Em** : Other than his typos, he is still a genius while drunk

 **Boy Wonder** : You askeded how I got drunk!

 **JJ** : No way. This isn’t genius.

 **Em** : Reid with a regular IQ?? That would just be weird..

 **Boy Wonder** : Im a fucKking genius!

 **Baby Girl** : Drunk Reid is a blast though XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Where are you, Spencer?

 **Boy Wonder** : Idont know. Tehe owner kicked me out when I had no moneyt and I started walking butt nothing looks right.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Stay put, kid.

 **Em** : Haven’t you memorized all of the maps by now?

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh I think I used too buy arounnd here!

 **Em** : Yeah, that is comforting..

 **Bossman** : No buying drugs, Reid.

 **Boy Wonder** : I cant anywayyy, I have no walet!

 **Bossman** : I have Jack. Who is getting him?

 **Boy Wonder** : Htoch is a greeat daddy

 **JJ** : Oh god… that just sounds wrong

 **Boy Wonder** : Aaand **JJ** is a great mmommomy

 **Em** : I think that word was supposed to be mommy.

 **JJ** : If I find out you have some mommy/son kink, I am going to throw up.

 **Baby Girl** : No kink shaming!

 **Boy Wonder** : Noooo I dont wanna fuck a moomy.. a daddy is a diferent story though ;)

 **Hot Chocolate** : Baby Girl, can you track him?

 **Baby Girl** : Yep, corner of Broad and 16th.

 **Em** : Are we just going to ignore the fact that Reid just basically said he wanted to fuck Hotch?

 **Bossman** : Yes

 **JJ** : Are you getting him, Morgan?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yeah, I am already in the car.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Spencer, just find somewhere to sit and I will be there in a few minutes.

 **Boy Wonder** : Buut this bitch looks dirtty!

 **Em** : So.. Reid got drunk with a dirty bitch.

 **Boy Wonder** : I meen bunch

 **Boy Wonder** : Fucking hell! Bench!

 **Baby Girl** : He spelt THAT right XD

 **JJ** : Relax Spence, sit anyway.

 **Boy Wonder** : Ughhhhhhhhh

 **Em** : Soo, spill it drunkard.

 **Boy Wonder** : A drunkard is a habittually drunk. Im onyl a right now drunk

 **JJ** : But whyyyy are you drunk?

 **Boy Wonder** : Alcohol, ofcoursse

 **Baby Girl** : LMAO XD

 **JJ** : Omg… You know what I mean!

 **Boy Wonder** : The moone is too brright!

 **Baby Girl** : See, he is more fun like this XD

 **Em** : Turn the moon off if it’s too bright lol

 **Boy Wonder** : I cant! Im scared fo the dark. The moon iss solar powered

 **JJ** : Hmm.. he isn’t wrong.

 **Em** : Aren’t you a little old to be scared of the dark?

 **Boy Wonder** : Ageist!

 **Bossman** : Morgan, are you almost there?

 **Em** : I am not ageist you boozer! I am older than you!

 **Boy Wonder** : Like 20 yeears older to

 **Baby Girl** : OMG XD

 **Em** : You ass! You know I am not that old!

 **Hot Chocolate** : He is getting into the car now. For some reason he is wet.

 **JJ** : TMI

 **Hot Chocolate** : Not like that!

 **Boy Wonder** : I haad a drinck thrown on me!

 **Em** : For being an ass probably..

 **Boy Wonder** : I wassnt being a ass, grandmma!

 **Em** : Oh he is gonna get it…

 **JJ** : Calm down **Em** ily, he is drunk.

 **Baby Girl** : And it’s funny! XD

 **JJ** : Why did you have a drink thrown on you, Spence?

 **Boy Wonder** : Beucasee my friend wantted me to go home with him and I tosld him he wasnt the man I wanted to sleep witth.

 **JJ** : Yeah okay.. That is a bad way of saying that though.

 **Em** : Because he is being an ass..

 **Boy Wonder** : Shh grandma!

 **Em** : It’s on now, kid! Dr. Spencer Reid, why don’t you share with the class who your first kiss was with??

 **Boy Wonder** : Itold you that inn confidence!

 **Baby Girl** : Ohh I wanna know!

 **JJ** : Probably just some college student

 **Em** : Ohh it wasn’t a student, but it was at college

 **Boy Wonder** : Dont you daree!

 **JJ** : Oh I need to know now.

 **Baby Girl** : Sameeeee XD

 **Em** : He was 16.

 **Boy Wonder** : Nooooooo

 **Em** : And it was with one of the librarians at Caltech

 **Baby Girl** : That isn’t that bad.

 **Em** : The librarian was in her 50’s.

 **JJ** : Ewwwwwww Spence!

 **Bossman** : That is illegal.

 **Baby Girl** : And gross.

 **Boy Wonder** : At lesast I didnt make out with the brother of my 1 night stand on the samme night!

 **JJ** : Holy shit XD

 **Baby Girl** : Omg **Em** ily!

 **Em** : You ass!

 **Boy Wonder** : Old hag!

 **Bossman** : Break it up you too. Reid, is Morgan still driving?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeas he is going sooo slowe!

 **Boy Wonder** : Derek is even moore handsome in the strett lights

 **JJ** : Umm.. Spence. Idk if you meant to say that.

 **Baby Girl** : Omg…

 **Em** : Reid, call him Pretty Boy and see what happens

 **Boy Wonder** : Noo way there isnt anytihng boy about him

 **Boy Wonder** : Pretty Mannnn

 **Em** : Try calling him that XD

 **JJ** : Nooo **Em** ily! Don’t mess with their relationship while Spence is drunk!

 **Baby Girl** : What relationship? LOL you meant the awkward sexual tension and lack of communication?

 **Boy Wonder** : I callde him that nd he asked mme how many drinks I had. Lammmmmmeeeeee

 **Baby Girl** : HOLD ON. Circling back, you said you told that friend that he wasn’t the man you wanted to sleep with… Then who is??

 **Em** : How did I miss that?!

 **JJ** : Because you were busy calling him an ass.

 **Boy Wonder** : Shhhhhhhhh he is rihgt here! He might hear yoou!

 **Baby Girl** : WOAH

 **Em** : …. He doesn’t mean what I think he means.. right?

 **JJ** : Morgan and Spence, sitting in a tree!

 **Boy Wonder** : I wouldf rather not fuck jn a tree… to manny branches!

 **Em** : He does have a point XD

 **JJ** : It’s KISSING in a tree! Get your mind out of the gutter!

 **Boy Wonder** : Ohhhh we aree pulling up his place nowe.

 **Boy Wonder** : Pullling up but hoping he doesnt pulle out

 **Baby Girl** : WOAH

 **JJ** : Spence, stop texting. You are going to say something you will regret.

 **Boy Wonder** : Ohhh I hoppe his bed iss soft

 **Bossman** : Reid. Do not try and seduce Morgan..

 **Baby Girl** : Ohh someone sounds jealoussss

 **Em** : They need to just bang and get it over with

 **JJ** : Cock Block

 **Baby Girl** : Be nice boss and they might just let you be the Lucky Pierre

 **Bossman** : Wait.. the what?

 **Baby Girl** : That is the lucky man in the middle of a threesome that is both giving AND receiving.

 **Em** : Omg can you image Reid dicking down Hotch XD

 **JJ** : Ewwwwwwwww nooooooo

 **Bossman** : Reid is a bottom.

 **Baby Girl** : And how do YOU know that??

 **JJ** : Morgan and Spence AND Hotch, sitting in a tree!

 **Bossman** : First off, Reid told us he bottoms. Second, no way in hell I would have sex with Morgan.

 **Em** : Anyone else notice how he said he wouldn’t have sex with Morgan but never mentions not having sex with Reid?

 **Baby Girl** : That’s because he would totally bang our boy genius.

 **Bossman** : Damnit! I meant Reid and Morgan! This is what I get for trying to stop Reid from doing something he regrets..

 **The Italian** : You all know it is past midnight, right?

 **The Italian** : And I think the bigger issue is that Reid can’t consent if he is drunk.

 **Em** : I didn’t think about that..

 **Baby Girl** : They have been gone for a while…

 **JJ** : Derek Morgan, you better not!

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am here. The kid just fell asleep.

 **Em** : You didn’t.. right?

 **Hot Chocolate** : No way! I am better than that. Look, he is asleep on my sofa.

 **Hot Chocolate** : 

**Baby Girl** : Awww he is soo adorableee

 **JJ** : Why is he still in a dress shirt and tie?

 **Em** : Who even goes to a bar in a dress shirt and tie?

 **Bossman** : Me.

 **Hot Chocolate** : …. He told me if he started to take his clothes off he wouldn’t be able to stop…

 **Em** : WOAH

 **Baby Girl** : :O he wanted some chocolate, that’s for sure XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : He was really drunk, doesn’t mean anything.

 **JJ** : You know what they say, drunk words are sober thoughts

 **Baby Girl** : Did you read the messages from when you were driving?

 **Hot Chocolate** : No, hold on.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Holy shit…

 **The Italian** : Go to sleep, everyone!

 **Baby Girl** : Meanie. You’re not daddy number two anymore, you are grandpa.

 **Em** : NIGHT GRANDPA!

 **The Italian** : Night Grandma

 **Em** : Ass!

**BAU Group Chat**

**Monday 08:49 AM**

**Hot Chocolate** : Spencer Reid! Stop ignoring me!

 **Em** : Did you really think he was just going to talk to you after last night?

 **The Italian** : The kid spent the last two weeks avoiding you and then you had to pick his lightweight ass up at midnight…

 **JJ** : I thought he spend the night at your place

 **Hot Chocolate** : He did. When I woke up, he was gone. Now he won’t answer my calls, again.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Spencer! I know you are reading these. You can’t keep avoiding me.

 **Baby Girl** : I got him here in the conference room, Brown Sugar. See!

 **Baby Girl** : 

**Boy Wonder** : You weren’t supposed to say anything, Garica!

 **Baby Girl** : You can’t keep avoiding your issues, White Sugar.

 **JJ** : Our briefing isn’t until 10 am, why are you guys in there?

 **Baby Girl** : Our Boy Genius is hiding from Morgan and his hangover.

 **Boy Wonder** : I hate you all. Remind me to never drink again.

 **Em** : You baby.

 **Boy Wonder** : You old hag.

 **Em** : What?! I thought you only said that because you were drunk!!

 **Boy Wonder** : I said a lot of things…. Doesn’t mean I didn’t mean them…

 **Baby Girl** : WOAH

 **JJ** : Spence… you know what you are admitting too.. right?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Uhh… Wow, okay.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I just got to work, Spencer. Come see me in my office, please.

 **Baby Girl** : Omg guys! He is going!!

 **Bossman** : Keep the door open!

 **Em** : And they shut the door.

 **Bossman** : You two better not have sex in there!

 **Baby Girl** : What? Jealous? XD

 **Bossman** : No! They are at work!

 **The Italian** : Oh, let the kids be Aaron.

 **Bossman** : You are just saying that because you have had sex in your office more than once.

 **JJ** : I knew it! My office is connected to yours Rossi and I swore I heard some funny business a while ago.

 **The Italian** : I am not confirming nor denying that.

 **Bossman** : I swear if I hear you two having sex through this wall, I am breaking that door down.

 **Baby Girl** : You could just ask them if you want to join them that bad, Lucky Pierre.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Don’t worry, blowjobs are pretty quiet ;D

 **Em** : Get some!

 **JJ** : Omg eww I am in the bullpen like 10 feet away from that door, you better not

 **Boy Wonder** : We are just talking. Don’t worry.

 **Hot Chocolate** : For now ;D

 **Bossman** : It’s too early for this…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! :D
> 
> I want to take a moment to thank everyone that has been supporting this fic so far. It just hit over 20k hits! I never thought this fic would get that far and I am still not done with it. Thank you all!!


	17. I Think the Term is.. Road head

**BAU Group Chat**

**Friday 6:36 PM**

**Baby Girl** : Okay! I am sick of this! One of you better tell me what happened!

 **JJ** : You are still at this?

 **Em** : Who are we talking about?

 **Baby Girl** : Our baby genius and chocolate Adonis!

 **Baby Girl** : They hid out in Morgan’s office for almost an hour and when they came out, they were all mad! They barely talked to each other all week!

 **Em** : Just ask them

 **Baby Girl** : I have! They just ignore me! They can’t ignore me on here though!

 **JJ** : …..

 **Em** : ……

 **JJ** : I think they are though..

 **Baby Girl** : Ughhhhh

 **Em** : Loverboss, come fix this lover’s quarrel.

 **Bossman** : No.

 **JJ** : You realize you just answered to Loverboss, right?

 **Bossman** : ….. God Damnit.

 **Em** : Papa Pasta! Come get your children to behave!

 **Baby Girl** : I thought he was Papa Rossi?

 **JJ** : I liked grandpa better.

 **JJ** : Anything is better than uncle of pasta though. 

**The Italian** : I am not getting involved in this..

 **Baby Girl** : Pleasseeeee I neeedddd to know!

 **Bossman** : Just blackmail them like you did with me..

 **Baby Girl** : Evil bosslover!

 **Em** : Evil and bi bosslover!

 **Bossman** : I never said I was bisexual.

 **Em** : What else does sometimes finding men attractive mean??

 **Bossman** : Hell if I know.

 **Bossman** : Haven’t you ladies ever found another woman attractive?

 **Baby Girl** : In like a pretty and jealous kinda way but not a I want to have sex with her kinda way.

 **Baby Girl** : Right, Emily? JJ?

 **Em** : ….

 **JJ** : ….

 **Bossman** : Really? And you are calling me Bi?

 **Em** : Don’t put me in a box!

 **JJ** : Anyway… How is that blackmail going, PG?

 **Bossman** : Really? You guys harass me for weeks about if I like men or not and now you just drop the subject when it comes to you?

 **Em** : Yep

 **JJ** : Yes.

 **The Italian** : You would think you would be used to this by now

 **Baby Girl** : I was going to threaten them with their internet history like I did with Loverboss but a certain boy genius doesn’t have a computer! How does he just NOT have a computer?

 **Bossman** : Can you stop calling me that..

 **JJ** : He likes paper copies. He says it’s easier on his eyes.

 **Em** : Such a baby.

 **Em** : ….

 **Em** : I was sure that was going to draw him out.

 **JJ** : He has to search stuff up somewhere.. What about his cell phone internet history?

 **Bossman** : His only cell phone is the one the FBI gave him. I don’t think you can hack into it.

 **Baby Girl** : And I am in.

 **Bossman** : I should just stop talking..

 **Em** : Yes, you should.

 **Bossman** : You first, closet warmer.

 **Em** : You are calling ME a closet warmer?? You say you are attracted to men and then won’t even call yourself bi, you fence-sitter.

 **The Italian** : How is our team slowly turning into a group of disaster gays.

 **Baby Girl** : Ohhh that gives me an idea, @Boy Wonder, answer me or I will hack into your text messages between you and Hotch and show everyone.

 **JJ** : Why would that work?

 **Boy Wonder** : Don’t you dare!

 **Em** : WOAH

 **Hot Chocolate** : I knew you were fucking him too!

 **Em** : WOAHHHH

 **Boy Wonder** : I am not fucking Hotch!

 **Hot Chocolate** : … Just everyone else then?

 **Boy Wonder** : I am a grown man! I am entitled to a sex life!

 **JJ** : Look what you did PG.

 **Baby Girl** : Calm down you too. What is going on?

 **Em** : I am still wondering why we can’t know what Hotch and Reid texted.

 **Bossman** : Same.

 **Em** : Wait.. what? XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Remember what we texted about a while ago..

 **Bossman** : No.. Not really.

 **Boy Wonder** : The Hardwick case.

 **Bossman** : Oh, hell. Nooooo.

 **JJ** : Now I want to know..

 **The Italian** : Same.

 **Hot Chocolate** : …..

 **Boy Wonder** : It is no one’s business.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Oh! Of course not!

 **Baby Girl** : What is going on with you too?

 **Boy Wonder** : It’s not me, it’s Derek.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Don’t you blame this on me, Spencer.

 **Em** : Oooo First name drama :O

 **JJ** : Will someone just say it? Maybe we can help.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Go ahead, kid. Maybe they can talk some sense into you.

 **Boy Wonder** : Into me? I am not the one being unreasonable.

 **Em** : Any day now..

 **Boy Wonder** : Ughh..

 **Boy Wonder** : Monday, Derek and I talked about.. stuff and told each other the truth.

 **Baby Girl** : That you are so head over heels in love with each other that everyone in any room can see it? Yes, continue.

 **Boy Wonder** : …. Anyway… We agreed to take it slow. Just to go out on a date and see where it goes. Which should have been for tomorrow, but Derek won’t grow up.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I won’t grow up? It’s calling trying to be in a mature relationship, kid.

 **Boy Wonder** : I am not the one acting like a jealous child.

 **Em** : Omg someone tell us what the problem is!

 **Hot Chocolate** : All I did was ask him to stop seeing casual partners while we date, but noooo that was too much for him.

 **JJ** : That is a pretty reasonable thing to ask though Spence..

 **Em** : No way, they are taking it slow. You can still sleep around when just dating someone.

 **Boy Wonder** : Ughh I agreed to not sleep with anyone else while we try dating, even though we are taking it slow and aren’t even committing to each other as a couple.

 **Baby Girl** : I don’t see the problem then. You agreed to what Hot Chocolate wanted.

 **Hot Chocolate** : He half agreed..

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah, I am not calling up all of my casual partners and telling them that I am dating someone that might be or might not be serious later on so don’t contact me for a hook up until I know. That is ridiculous.

 **Em** : Hold up, ALL of your casual partners?? How many are there??

 **Baby Girl** : Our baby genius is a hoe? :O

 **JJ** : I still can’t picture that.

 **Boy Wonder** : First, not that many really. I just have several different partners around the country. Like I have one in New Orleans that when we do see each other, although rarely, we are almost always going to hook up.

 **Boy Wonder** : Second, I am not a hoe. There is no difference between having one partner you sleep with repeatedly or multiple partners you sleep with on occasion as long as it is safe and consensual.

 **Baby Girl** : …. Did boy genius just tell me not to slut shame…

 **JJ** : Yep, he has a point though. 

**Em** : Wait a damn minute, New Orleans? Is this your friend Ethan you are talking about? Are you telling us that you missed that plane to Galveston, Texas because you were busy with your legs in the air??

 **Boy Wonder** : … Well… I was bent over, but yeah.

 **JJ** : TMI!

 **Em** : Fine, ass in the air. You still missed work for sex!

 **The Italian** : Holy shit, the kid blew off work to get laid? I would have never guessed it.

 **Bossman** : You blow off work for that same reason, Dave.

 **JJ** : Weirdly enough, Section Chief Strauss seems to be missing around the same times as you..

 **The Italian** : I do not confirm nor deny anything.

 **Boy Wonder** : In my defense, I was pretty high at the time.

 **Bossman** : I didn’t read that.

 **Hot Chocolate** : WTF That guy had sex with you while you weren’t sober???

 **Boy Wonder** : Calm down, Derek. If I was sober enough to help in FBI investigations and carry a gun, I was sober enough to have sex.

 **Hot Chocolate** : ……..

 **Bossman** : I didn’t read that either.

 **Baby Girl** : Okay babes, let’s look at this. So, Morgan wants Reid to officially stop all casual partners, right?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yep, which isn’t a lot to ask.

 **Baby Girl** : And Reid thinks he shouldn't have to do that as he agreed to not sleep with anyone else while they try dating.

 **Boy Wonder** : Yes, which was already pretty gracious of me.

 **Baby Girl** : Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what is your verdict?

 **Em** : I think Morgan is outta line. You both agreed to take it slow, that doesn't mean exclusive.

 **JJ** : You can take it slow and be exclusive. I think Spence needs to take the relationship more seriously.

 **Hot Chocolate** : How did this turn into a courtroom drama…

 **Bossman** : That's what happens when you don't handle your issues like adults.

 **Hot Chocolate** : And remind me how your dating life is going, Hotch?

 **Bossman** : ......

 **Em** : I still want to know about the Hardwick case.

 **Boy Wonder** : No.

 **The Italian** : You two just need to have sex and get it over with. I am sick of the weird sexual tension.

 **Em** : Hotch and Reid? I know they do just need to bang it out LOL

 **Baby Girl** : They probably already did XD

 **Bossman** : NO

 **Boy Wonder** : Noooooooo

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yeah, that is really helping this situation…

 **Baby Girl** : Sorry chocolate thunder!

 **Baby Girl** : Why don’t you two just come to a middle ground. Reid seems like he just doesn’t want to contact people that he knows he won’t even be seeing in real life in the next few months.

 **Baby Girl** : So, Boy Genius why don’t you just contact the people that you see regularly about stopping the sexual relationship?

 **JJ** : Ohh that is a good idea, Penelope.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yeah.. I would be okay with that.

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah, okay. Right now, that is just Daniel Harrelson. I will call him right now, one minute.

 **Em** : Oh, so you finally got his number?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah, and there Derek. I told him I am dating someone and wish to be monogamist.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Thank you, Pretty Boy.

 **JJ** : Haven’t you two been seeing each other for a while? How did he take it?

 **Boy Wonder** : … He laughed but said okay. He knows I have never been in a monogamist relationship.

 **Baby Girl** : WHAT? Never??

 **Em** : Reid… have you ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend?

 **Boy Wonder** : No, is that weird? I have been on dates but nothing serious.

 **JJ** : It’s not weird… Just uncommon.

 **The Italian** : So.. The kid is more of a player than Morgan?

 **Em** : Basically.

 **Boy Wonder** : I am not a player!

 **Hot Chocolate** : Same.

 **JJ** : Hold on, Morgan. It is only fair if you also tell Spence if you see anyone on a regular basis that you used to date or have sex with.

 **Em** : What? That’s not fair. Reid only had to say the people.. well person, that he was still having a sexual relationship with.

 **Baby Girl** : Start with a clean slate! Put it all out there now! That is what me and Kevin did.

 **JJ** : Will and I did the same thing.

 **Bossman** : You all are way to invested in their relationship..

 **Em** : You sound like you have something to hide there Bosslover.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I don’t care, I got nothing to hide.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I had sex with Jordan Todd from the Counter Terrorism Division, onetime thing. I had sex with the assistant named Bree on the third floor twice, but that was a few months ago and she is dating someone now. And I used to hook up with my neighbor regularly, but she moved like 3 weeks ago.

 **Baby Girl** : Jordan Todd? Naughty man.

 **JJ** : Your turn, Spence.

 **Boy Wonder** : Is this necessary?

 **Hot Chocolate** : You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to, but I am serious about this.. Us… I don’t want to blow it before it even starts. I am not going to judge you for who you had sex with.

 **Baby Girl** : Awwwwwww

 **JJ** : Why do I feel like they should be doing this alone?

 **Em** : Shhhhhhh I wanna watch.

 **Boy Wonder** : Yeah.. okay…….. What counts as sex here?

 **Em** : That isn’t a good sign..

 **JJ** : Intercourse?

 **Baby Girl** : No way, once the naughty bits are out and about!

 **Em** : So, a handy is sex?

 **Baby Girl** : Totally.

 **Em** : …. I need to reevaluate my life choices then..

 **Boy Wonder** : Same..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Oh, I need to add Jessica from the file room then. She gave me head in the file room months ago.

 **The Italian** : How was she?

 **JJ** : Stick to Section Chiefs, Rossi.

 **Em** : Out with-it, Reid!

 **Boy Wonder** : ….. Fine..

 **Boy Wonder** : Other than Daniel Harrelson.. There are some people at Georgetown, but I only see them once or twice a month for academic reasons.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Okay, anyone else?

 **Boy Wonder** : Uhh.. Mark and Janet on the 5th floor, Robert on the 2nd floor, Alex on the 4th… Susan in records.. Oh, and Jessica from the file room too, but I gave her oral.

 **The Italian** : I really need to meet this Jessica from the file room.

 **Hot Chocolate** : That is all?

 **Boy Wonder** : ………… I don’t want to say the last one…

 **Em** : Say it!

 **Boy Wonder** : ….. I would rather not.

 **Bossman** : You don’t have to say anything that you don’t want too.

 **Hot Chocolate** : That is my line.

 **Em** : Holy shit… Hotch, why do you care if he says the name or not?

 **JJ** : No way…

 **Baby Girl** : I think it’s time to tell us about the Hardwick case now XD

 **Boy Wonder** : ….. no thank you.

 **Hot Chocolate** : … Spencer, I won’t be mad at you.

 **Em** : But he might kill Hotch.

 **JJ** : I thought you told us you two didn’t have sex.

 **Boy Wonder** : We didn’t.. per se.

 **Hot Chocolate** : What happened, Spencer?

 **Bossman** : Reid…

 **Boy Wonder** : I think the term is.. Road head.

 **Em** : WOAHHHHHHHH

 **JJ** : OMG NOOOOO, Spence! He is your boss!

 **Baby Girl** : But like.. Was our baby genius any good?

 **Bossman** : Someone kill me.

 **Boy Wonder** : It didn’t mean anything! We were just stressed out from the Chester Hardwick case and one thing led to another..

 **Em** : How does blowing your boss while he drives relax you?

 **Baby Girl** : It relaxed Hotch XD

 **Boy Wonder** : I find giving oral relaxing…

 **The Italian** : There is that oral fixation again.

 **Em** : That’s hot.

 **Baby Girl** : **Em** ily wants oral next XD

 **Boy Wonder** : I am taken, Emily.

 **Boy Wonder** : And I don’t have an oral fixation!

 **JJ** : Technically you are just dating

 **Boy Wonder** : Derek.. Are you okay?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yep.

 **Em** : Oh he pissed.

 **JJ** : You said you wouldn’t get mad at Spence! You can’t ask for his sexual history and then be mad when he tells you!

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am not mad at Spencer.

 **Em** : Oh he pissed at Hotch.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yep.

 **Boy Wonder** : Hotch didn’t do anything wrong.. It was my idea anyway.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Hotch has known I have liked you for a long time now, he should have manned up and told me.

 **Bossman** : Sorry Morgan. But I didn’t have a death wish.

 **Em** : I thought I knew you, Reid.

 **The Italian** : It’s always the quiet ones.

 **JJ** : Hotch still shouldn’t have agreed. He is your boss. You are supposed to be able to look up to him!

 **Boy Wonder** : I mean… I looked up a few times..

 **JJ** : Nooooo Spence!

 **The Italian** : Eye contact during a blow job is important.

 **JJ** : He was driving!

 **Bossman** : I had to pull over..

 **Em** : That good, huh?

 **Bossman** : …… no comment.

 **Em** : Damn, Reid, he didn’t like it.

 **Bossman** : I didn’t say that..

 **Boy Wonder** : Huh? Was I bad?

 **Bossman** : I didn’t say that!

 **Boy Wonder** : … I don’t understand. What could I improve on?

 **Hot Chocolate** : I think we are focusing on the wrong thing again…

 **JJ** : Hotch! You know Spence doesn’t do negative criticism well!

 **Bossman** : Ughhhhhhhh

 **Bossman** : You did nothing wrong… It was great, okay?

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh, okay.

 **Baby Girl** : Sooo, Boy Wonder… What was Hotch’s dick like?

 **Bossman** : NO

 **Boy Wonder** : Nooo I am not sharing that.

 **Baby Girl** : Ohh, come onnn! How big was he? What did he taste like? Did you spit or swallow?

 **Em** : Hotch does have some big dick energy, I wonder if it’s true.

 **Boy Wonder** : Then you blow him and find out.

 **Em** : SASSY

 **Boy Wonder** : And neither, I used a condom.

 **JJ** : At least you were acting responsible there.

 **The Italian** : You two go to see a serial killer and you just happened to have condoms with you?

 **Boy Wonder** : Of course, I always carry condoms and lube in my messenger bag.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I will keep that in mind ;)

 **Baby Girl** : But did he hit that little dangly thang that swing in the back of your throat

 **Boy Wonder** : … My uvula?

 **Boy Wonder** : I mean, I guess? I didn’t really pay attention

 **Em** : It’s from a song. WAP WAP WAP

 **Boy Wonder** : WAP? Wireless Application Protocol?

 **JJ** : Omg Spence, get out more!

 **Em** : Wet Ass Pussy!

 **Boy Wonder** : … I don’t have a pussy.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Kidddd don’t say thattttt

 **Boy Wonder** : Would you rather I say vagina?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Ew.. That is worse somehow.

 **Baby Girl** : Wait, are you two good now??

 **Boy Wonder** : I think?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Yeah, as long as Pretty Boy promises not to blow Hotch again while we are dating.

 **Boy Wonder** : Deal.

 **Em** : So, they can still fuck?

 **Hot Chocolate** : No!

 **The Italian** : Well there goes your only chance of getting laid, Aaron.

 **Bossman** : I hate you all so much.

 **Baby Girl** : You love us, really Reid.

 **Boy Wonder** : So.. Derek.. Are we still on for our date for tomorrow?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Of course. I will pick you up at 6 pm, baby boy.

 **Baby Girl** : AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you all think! Kudos, Comment, and Sub, pleasseeeee
> 
> And yes, that was a hint at Jemily. I blame Tumblr for giving me that headcanon.  
> Side note: Add me on Tumblr, I need friends. https://tobias-hankel.tumblr.com/


	18. A Urethral WHAT???

**BAU Group Chat**

**4:42 PM Saturday, October 1 st**

**Boy Wonder** : Happy Halloween!

 **Boy Wonder** : Look! I am Therizinosaurus!

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Em** : Guys, Reid is drunk again.

 **Boy Wonder** : I am not! I am at a pumpkin patch/house of horrors event!

 **JJ** : It’s not Halloween, Spence…

 **Em** : And what the hell is a Thesaurusaurus?

 **Boy Wonder** : A Therizinosaurus. It’s a genus of very large therizinosauridae that lived in Asia during the Late Cretaceous period in what is now the Nemegt Formation around 70 million years ago.

 **Boy Wonder** : Also, I know what day it is. October 1st is the earliest most of society accepts Halloween centered events and decorations.

 **Em** : Looks more like a hawk..

 **Boy Wonder** : Shh Emily! I am a Therizinosaurus!

 **Baby Girl** : Why is your mouth wide open like that tho ;D

 **Hot Chocolate** : What that mouth do? ;)

 **Em** : Hotch knows.

 **Hot Chocolate** : TO SOON

 **Bossman** : Leave me out of it.

 **Baby Girl** : He does know though XD

 **Boy Wonder** : It would be “What does that mouth do?” Not “What that mouth do?”

 **Baby Girl** : It’s a meme.. and a song.

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t get it.

 **Em** : Morgan will show you later.

 **Boy Wonder** : Huh

 **Baby Girl** : Speaking of my Chocolate Wonderfall, don’t you two have your first date in like an hour and a half?

 **Boy Wonder** : Yep, 6pm.

 **JJ** : Are you nervous?

 **Boy Wonder** : No, I have been out with Derek dozens of times.

 **Baby Girl** : But this is a DATE. With romance and sex and hot stuffs XD

 **JJ** : No sex on the first date. They are taking it slow, remember?

 **Boy Wonder** : Wait.. Am I not supposed to have sex on the first date? Is that not normal?

 **Hot Chocolate** : … You are supposed to play it by ear, Pretty Boy. Most people don’t have sex on the first date though.

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh..

 **Baby Girl** : You disappointed him! He was probably all excited to ride that gorgeous bod of yours.

 **Em** : Probably shaved his ass cheeks and everything XD

 **JJ** : Eww..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Omg Baby Girl! Emily!

 **Boy Wonder** : I am actually pretty naturally hairless.

 **Bossman** : I can vouch for that..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Same…

 **JJ** : I forgot you both have accidentally seen Spence naked XD

 **Bossman** : He was in a towel!

 **Em** : Anyone else find it odd that Reid is making his way through the men on the team but, even though he is bi, hasn’t done that with the women?

 **Baby Girl** : Jealous there, M&M? LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : I already told you I am taken, Emily.

 **Em** : That is not what I meant!

 **Boy Wonder** : Sure, sure. First, I am not making my way through the men on the team. Second, you guys are like sisters to me.

 **Em** : Hotch is pretty much a father figure to you but you still blew him, and Morgan is close to you like a brother and you two are about to go on a date.

 **Boy Wonder** : ….

 **Baby Girl** : This is starting to feel like an episode of Family Strokes on Pornhub LMAO XD

 **JJ** : What’s that?

 **Bossman** : What is that?

 **Baby Girl** : … Google it XD

 **Em** : Anyway! Sex on the first date is a must! You need to figure out if you are sexually compatible. I don’t wanna date someone for a month or two just to find out that they are a two pump chump.

 **Bossman** : I am going to regret asking this but.. What is a two pump chump?

 **Baby Girl** : A guy that cums super fast. Like hump, hump, done.

 **Em** : You probably.

 **JJ** : Omg Emily XD

 **Bossman** : Yep, I regret asking..

 **Boy Wonder** : Hotch isn’t a two pump chump.

 **Em** : Omg tell us more XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Please don’t..

 **JJ** : I thought you were okay with Spence having hooked up with Hotch.

 **Hot Chocolate** : That doesn’t mean I want to hear about it..

 **Bossman** : Dear God, What did I ever do to receive this…

 **Em** : You did Reid.

 **Boy Wonder** : It was just oral, not even sex and Hotch orgasmed in a satisfactory amount of time.

 **Baby Girl** : Why do you make it sound so technical, Boy Genius? XD How long is a “satisfactory amount of time?"

 **Bossman** : Reid..

 **Boy Wonder** : Don’t worry, Hotch. I would never share private, bedroom type information.

 **Baby Girl** : Or driver’s seat of an FBI vehicle type information LMAO

 **Em** : Oh, hear that Morgan? You two can have “not even sex” on your first date instead XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : …. I mean I wouldn’t say no to that..

 **Baby Girl** : OMG… What if our Greek God here was a two pump chump? :O

 **Hot Chocolate** : Oh hell no! I am not!

 **Em** : What would you even do, Reid?

 **Boy Wonder** : Huh? Do you mean what would I do if Derek had an issue with premature ejaculation?

 **Hot Chocolate** : I hate this.

 **Bossman** : Ha. Ha.

 **JJ** : Omg Hotch XD

 **Em** : Yess that is what I mean Doctor -_-

 **Boy Wonder** : It would be an obstacle but not something worth stopping a relationship over. We could try training with edging, toys to get me off first, cock rings, even urethral dildos.

 **Baby Girl** : OMG no filter XD

 **JJ** : … At least it’s not a deal breaker LOL

 **Hot Chocolate** : A Urethral WHAT???

 **Boy Wonder** : Urethral Dildo. Like a Urethral Dilators, Catheter Dildo, Penis Plug… I don’t understand the confusion.

 **Hot Chocolate** : You want to put something IN my dick???

 **Bossman** : … Ouch…

 **Baby Girl** : Omg XD

 **Boy Wonder** : It’s not a typical toy I use in the bedroom, but I am not against it if you like it. It can also help your premature ejaculation issue as it normally stops men from cumming.

 **Bossman** : Ha. Ha.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am not a two pump chump!

 **Boy Wonder** : I need more data before I can make a conclusion.

 **Em** : That was the nerdiest way to tell someone you want to have sex with them.

 **Baby Girl** : Hold on, Chocolate Thunder.. What if Reid was a two pump chump?? :O

 **Hot Chocolate** : …. I have no idea what difference that would even make… You know, never had sex with a man over here.

 **Boy Wonder** : You have never had sex with a man? How vanilla.

 **Em** : Vanilla.

 **Baby Girl** : Vanilla

 **JJ** : Vanilla.

 **Bossman** : Vanilla.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Not you too, Hotch! I am not vanilla!

 **Bossman** : You are the one that said a BJ is sex, which means I have had sex with a man, and you haven’t. That makes you vanilla.

 **Em** : Our boss just said the word BJ.. This is a weird job.

 **Hot Chocolate** : I hate you all..

 **Boy Wonder** : Even me? :(

 **Hot Chocolate** : No, baby boy..

 **Boy Wonder** : :)

 **JJ** : This is weird…

 **Em** : And cringy..

 **Baby Girl** : Anyway.. Are you saying it wouldn’t matter to you if Reid was a Preamy Creamy?

 **JJ** : Noooo Preamy Creamy XD PG stoppp

 **Hot Chocolate** : I guess not? 

**Boy Wonder** : It doesn’t really matter though, as I am part of the 7% of males that can have multiple orgasms.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Wow…

 **Em** : I didn’t know guys could do that!

 **Bossman** : Hold on… So it just.. stays up?

 **Baby Girl** : OMG XD

 **JJ** : Hotch… Did you just ask your subordinate if they stay hard after orgasm??

 **Em** : Hello, HR.. Yes I would like to make a report.

 **Bossman** : Shut it. I am just curious! 

**Em** : Curious about Reid’s dick.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Watch it, Hotchner.

 **Boy Wonder** : Most males have a prolactin surge after orgasm, causing the loss of their erection. It’s assumed that males that can have multiple orgasms do not have this prolactin surge, similar to the over 50% of females that can also have multiple orgasms. It’s hard to study but yes, I tend to keep an erection after orgasm.

 **JJ** : I would rather not picture this..

 **Hot Chocolate** : Speak for yourself.

 **Em** : Hold on, Reid. Are you even home yet or are you still at that pumpkin patch place?

 **Boy Wonder** : Nope, I am loading up the car now, about to leave.

 **JJ** : Loading up the car?

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Boy Wonder** : See! They had a great selection of pumpkins and gourds!

 **Em** : Who let this child into the FBI?

 **Boy Wonder** : What child?

 **Em** : You.

 **Boy Wonder** : -_- You can’t have a pumpkin now.

 **Boy Wonder** : JJ, I got a few little ones for Henry.

 **JJ** : Thank you, Spence!

 **Bossman** : Hold on..

 **Bossman** : Reid.. Is that one of the FBI’s SUVs?

 **Boy Wonder** : … uhhh….

 **Boy Wonder** : My car wasn’t big enough…

 **Hot Chocolate** : It’s also a jalopy.

 **Boy Wonder** : It is not! There is nothing wrong with my car!

 **Hot Chocolate** : Is that why you never use it?

 **Boy Wonder** : … The metro is better for the environment.

 **Em** : Are we going to pretend that Reid didn’t steal an FBI SUV?

 **Baby Girl** : Speaking of jalopies and the FBI, where is Rossi?

 **Bossman** : I talked to him this morning and he told me he had to deal with a juvenile kid. I didn’t ask.

 **Boy Wonder** : Hey! I am not juvenile!

 **Em** : …

 **JJ** : …

 **Bossman** : Reid, is Dave there with you?

 **Boy Wonder** : Of course. Who do you think took the SUV?

 **Bossman** : How in the hell did you get him to go to a pumpkin patch with you?

 **Boy Wonder** : I told him about the pumpkin carvers!

 **Boy Wonder** : 

**Boy Wonder** : And he called me juvenile..

 **Em** : Is that a current and young David Rossi carved onto a pumpkin?

 **Baby Girl** : I need to get one with me and Kevin!!

 **JJ** : Ohh and I need Henry on one!

 **Bossman** : Am I the only one that thinks this is dumb?

 **JJ** : Yes.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Nope, it’s dumb..

 **The Italian** : You are juvenile! I wasn’t the one that climbed the pile of pumpkins like a rock tower and then squealed like a little girl when they fell.

 **Boy Wonder** : It hurt!

 **JJ** : Aren’t you two right next to each other?

 **The Italian** : Nope. I just dropped the kid off with his dozen pumpkins, now I am heading to the Benjamin for a drink.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Did you at least help him take them upstairs?

 **Boy Wonder** : No! Now I am in the lobby with 14 pumpkins! My building doesn’t have an elevator!

 **Hot Chocolate** : I am not far. I will come help you.

 **Boy Wonder** : Oh.. Okay. Starting the date early?

 **Hot Chocolate** : Why wait? :)

 **Bossman** : Dave, I need a drink too. I will meet you there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I am adding too many sex jokes XD I meant to cover the date in this chapter but idk what happened lol oh well. 
> 
> Real talk though, I feel like I will be ending this fic soon. I feel like it is getting long and the arch was pretty much hit. Idk yet. What do you all think?
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting!


	19. For the Plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First date! This starts right after the last chapter :D
> 
> Note at the end of this chapter about the term "Gay Panic"

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia**

**5:34 PM**

**Derek:** WHY DID I SAY I WOULD GO OVER EARLY?!

 **Penelope:** To help with the pumpkins?

 **Derek:** Noooo I mean why did I say we could start our date early??

 **Penelope:** Awwww Is someone nervous?

 **Derek:** No!

 **Penelope:** ……

 **Derek:** Ughhhhhhhhhh I have gone on plenty of dates. This should be no different!

 **Penelope:** But it is different, brown sugar. This isn’t just some random woman you asked out. This is SSA Dr. Spencer Reid, and a dude.

 **Derek:** THAT DOESN’T HELP

 **Penelope:** Fine, fine. You have been out with him before. Just think of it like any other outing.

 **Derek:** Is it too late to back out?

 **Penelope:** Yes.

 **Penelope:** Kevin just got here, good luck on your date! XD

 **Derek:** Baby Girl! Stay and help me!

**Private Message**

**Spencer Reid and Jennifer Jareau**

**5:39 PM**

**Spencer** : JJ!

 **JJ** : Yes, Spence?

 **Spencer** : HE IS ABOUT TO BE HERE AND I AM COVERED IN DIRT AND SURROUNDED BY PUMPKINS!

 **JJ** : That is what you get for going to a pumpkin patch a few hours before a date.

 **Spencer** : That doesn’t help…

 **JJ** : Well go change before he gets there.

 **Spencer** : But… my pumpkins.

 **JJ** : You are a man child XD

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia**

**5:42 PM**

**Derek:** I just got here, and I can see him in the lobby window… He looks ridiculous with all of his pumpkins..

 **Derek:** His apartment already has several pumpkins in it!

 **Derek:** He just told me he would bake a pumpkin pie for me… after telling me the difference between a decoration pumpkin and a cooking pumpkin… why do I love when he rambles?

**Private Message**

**Spencer Reid and Jennifer Jareau**

**5:48 PM**

**Spencer** : I ACCIDENTALLY RANTED ON ABOUT PUMPKINS FOR 5 MINUTES T.T

 **JJ:** I think he is used to your info dumping by now. I don’t think he would have asked you out if he hated it.

 **Spencer** : Good point… Wait, Info dumping??

 **JJ:** That is what we call your rants. You just dump information about stuff on people. Info Dumping.

 **Spencer** : … Idk if I should be upset by that or not…

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia**

**6:03 PM**

**Derek:** He just went to change, and he started taking his shirt off before he was even in his room.

 **Derek:** Now I am in his living room alone, surrounded by pumpkins and books and it’s warm and smells like coffee and cinnamon… I love it.

 **Derek:** Ugh I am in trouble.

**Private Message**

**Spencer Reid and Jennifer Jareau**

**6:04 PM**

**Spencer:** What am I even supposed to wear? I mostly just own work clothes and cardigans…

 **JJ:** Not work clothes. He always sees you in that.

 **Spencer:** I think me being a guy is freaking him out… maybe I should wear something more feminine..

 **JJ:** LOL yes, wear a skirt XD

 **Spencer:** What color? I have a black one, one in leather, a plaid one… I think a few more.

 **JJ:** Nooooooo It was a joke!

 **JJ:** Wait… Why do you have skirts?

 **Spencer:** There is nothing wrong with men wearing skirts. In fact, skirts can be dated all the way back to Ancient Egypt and were worn mostly by men. They were called Shendyt at the time.

 **JJ:** Don’t start info dumping, he is waiting on you.

 **JJ:** Just wear something casual but nice. Oh! Like that t-shirt, sports jacket thing you wore to Henry’s one-month old party. AND PANTS.

 **Spencer:** Yes. I have that, thank you, JJ!

 **JJ:** I definitely need to see you in a skirt now though. You should come to work in one, Hotch would love it XD

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia**

**6:27 PM**

**Derek:** We just got to the restaurant and I am so nervous, but he seems so chill! He is never chill. This has to be a joke.

 **Derek:** Stop ignoring me, woman! I need help!

**Private Message**

**Spencer Reid and Jennifer Jareau**

**6:35 PM**

**Spencer:** We are at this place called ‘King and Queen’… He picked it… This is so hetero…

 **JJ:** …Do you plan on giving me the play by play of this date the whole time?

 **Spencer:** Yes.

 **Spencer:** He seems so nervous… Do you think I am doing something wrong?

 **JJ:** No, just gay panic probably

 **Spencer:** Gay panic?

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia**

**7:14 PM**

**Derek:** He just ordered dessert and said how he loves licking up chocolate.. I think he was making a sexually innuendo, but my dumbass said, me too.

 **Derek:** I could have said, I love vanilla or I can give you chocolate anytime anywhere, ughhhhhhh I am ruining this

 **Derek:** Why can’t he just be a chick and not be my best friend? It would be so much easier… maybe. Idek…

 **Derek:** Omg look at him, Baby Girl.

**Derek:**

**Derek:** Why do I love this white nerd? T-T

**Private Message**

**Spencer Reid and Jennifer Jareau**

**7:19 PM**

**Spencer:** This is so much easier than I thought. There are no awkward pauses or uncomfortable questions. I am glad Derek is already my best friend.

 **JJ:** That is good, Spence :)

 **Spencer:** I am totally inviting him upstairs when he drops me off

 **JJ:** Oh God….

 **Spencer:** ;D

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia**

**8:26 PM**

**Penelope:** HOLD ON!! IN LOVE WITH???

 **Derek:** Now you message me back?! It’s been almost three hours!

 **Penelope:** Don’t avoid my question, Hot Chocolate!

 **Penelope:** And I told you Kevin came over!

 **Derek:** So???

 **Penelope:** Sooooo I was bussyyyy. You two aren’t the only ones that get laid!

 **Derek:** LALALALA I DON’T WANNA HEAR ABOUT MY BABY GIRL HAVING SEX

 **Penelope:** XD LMAO whatever. How is the date going?

 **Derek:** I just dropped him off..

 **Penelope:** Uh oh. Spill it.

 **Penelope:** Also, don’t think I am letting this ‘love’ business go.

 **Derek:** Ughhh… It was fine. Really good. He was simply himself but.. better? Idk..

 **Penelope:** Sooo what is the problem?

 **Derek:** He asked me upstairs…

 **Penelope:** Oh! Get some!

 **Derek:** … I said no…

 **Penelope:** MORGAN!! YOU SAID NOOOOO?!

 **Derek:** ….

 **Penelope:** Okay… That is recoverable. Not everyone wants to go upstairs on the first date. Did the kiss goodnight at least go well?

 **Derek:** …………………

 **Penelope:** Derek Hank Morgan. Tell me you gave him a kiss goodnight.

 **Derek:** I was going too! I ALWAYS give a kiss goodnight on the first date unless it went really bad… but then I looked at him and he did that little licking his lip thing that he does before biting on his bottom lip and I just couldn’t! He looked so disappointed.

 **Penelope:** Oh you fucked up. Look at the group chat..

**BAU Group Chat**

**8:30 PM Saturday, October 1 st**

**Boy Wonder:** So.. I have a question that is completely unrelated to anything else. Simply for science… Is it normal to not kiss someone on the first date?

 **Boy Wonder:** You guys said it wasn’t normal to have sex on the first date but… Is kissing too much too?

 **Em:** Ohhhh did you and Morgan kiss??

 **Boy Wonder** : Uhhh...

 **JJ:** Omg. @Hot Chocolate did you NOT kiss Spence goodnight?

 **Em** : It’s okay, Reid. Not everyone likes to kiss on the first date. Totally normal.

 **Boy Wonder:** Oh.. So you don’t always kiss on first dates?

 **Em** : I do, unless the date went really bad or I don’t like the person.

 **Boy Wonder:** =(

 **JJ:** Emily!

 **Em** : I shouldn’t have said that! Morgan, get your ass in this chat and explain yourself!

 **Em** : Reid, you still live by that shitty coffee shop?

 **Boy Wonder:** Yeah, and it’s not shitty just because it doesn’t sell glorified milkshakes.

 **Em** : Still shitty. And I am going to come get you.

 **Boy Wonder:** Wait, did you get more?

 **Em** : I got more! Be there in just a few minutes.

 **JJ:** What are you two talking about?

 **Boy Wonder:** …..

 **Hot Chocolate:** Ughhh I am sorry, Pretty Boy! I had a great time, really. I just kinda.. panicked.

 **Boy Wonder:** Why would you have panicked? It’s just me..

 **Bossman:** Why are you guys doing this on the group chat…

 **The Italian:** For the plot

 **Bossman:** What?

 **JJ:** I told you, Spence. Gay Panic.

 **Boy Wonder:** I still don’t know what that is.

 **Bossman:** Gay panic is the anxiety or panicked feeling as a reaction to one's own homosexuality. It’s seen the most in men who having feelings or an attraction to another man for the first time.

 **JJ:** Yeah, what he said.

 **Baby Girl:** Hotch would know that XD

 **Bossman:** We are profilers! We are supposed to know these types of things.

 **The Italian:** Just keep telling yourself that.

 **Boy Wonder:** So you didn’t kiss me because I have a dick and identify male?

 **JJ:** Ew don’t say the word dick, Spence.

 **Boy Wonder:** Cock?

 **JJ:** That is worse!

 **Boy Wonder:** Penis and scrotum?

 **Baby Girl:** Eww, too medical. Call it your Disco Stick!

 **Boy Wonder:** Oh I like Lady Gaga

 **JJ:** You listen to Lady Gaga?

 **Boy Wonder:** Born this Way, well Lady Gaga in general, Take Me to Church, Girl in Red, Same Love, Sweater Weather. All queer people know these.

 **Em:** Ohh I love Girl in Red!

 **JJ:** You would XD

 **Hot Chocolate:** I think we got off topic again…

 **Hot Chocolate:** But idk Spencer, I really don’t..

 **Boy Wonder** : Would it have helped if I was in a skirt?

 **Hot Chocolate:** Wait, what?

 **Boy Wonder** : JJ said I should wear a skirt

 **JJ:** I said that as a joke!

 **Em:** Hold on! Reid.. Do you HAVE a skirt?

 **Boy Wonder** : A few, why? Did you wish to borrow one? I think they are all woman’s smalls but the leather one I know is a medium.

 **JJ:** Aren’t you two right next to each other?

 **Em:** Yep.

 **Hot Chocolate** : Woahhh

 **Bossman:** …. Wow

 **Hot Chocolate** : Back off Hotch!

 **Bossman:** All I said was wow!

 **Baby Girl:** You can’t blame him, Handsome. Reid in a skirt would be hottt.

 **The Italian:** Even I would want to see that.

 **JJ:** Rossi!

 **The Italian:** What?? I just want to see him in a skirt. I don’t wanna fuck him or anything like these two.

 **Bossman:** One, not two.

 **The Italian:** Sure, keep telling yourself that Aaron

 **Boy Wonder** : Rossi thank you for not wanting to fuck me.

 **The Italian:** ANYTIME!

 **Baby Girl:** Would Reid wearing a skirt have helped tho?

 **Hot Chocolate** : I mean I would LOVE to see that but no.. idk. Ughhh I am sorryyyy if I have never kissed a man before and I apparently have ‘gay panic’!

 **Baby Girl:** You have never kissed a guy? Not even in college or on a dare?

 **Bossman:** Vanilla

 **Hot Chocolate** : Don’t start Hotch! It’s not like you have either!

 **Bossman:** I have

 **Hot Chocolate** : So help you God if you say you kissed Spencer…

 **Bossman:** I won’t say it then.

 **JJ:** What ever happened to the fraternization policy…

 **Baby Girl:** I thought he only gave you a blowy??

 **JJ:** Did you just called it a blowy XD

 **Hot Chocolate** : Can we NOT talk about this!

 **JJ:** Where did Emily and Spence go? 

**Em:** I AM BUSY KICKING HIS ASS FOR TRYING TO STEAL MY CEREAL!

 **Boy Wonder** : I AM HUNGRY AND YOU GAVE ME A PLATE OF CHICKEN!

 **JJ:** Just eat the chicken?

 **Boy Wonder** : I don’t want chicken, I WANT CEREAL! Or chips.. Ohhh! Or S’Mores!

 **Hot Chocolate:** What is happening right now…

 **The Italian:** If I didn’t know better, I would say that the kid’s got the munchies.

 **Baby Girl:** No way XD

 **Em:** You are just upset that I am a better batman than you! Now eat your chicken Batboy!

 **Boy Wonder** : I AM NOT BATBOY! I AM BATMAN!

 **Baby Girl:** Are you guys wearing Batman costumes right now??

 **JJ:** Are you two high?!

 **Em:** Yes and yes! See!

**Em:**

**Em:** He wouldn’t smile so he got an emoji XD

 **Boy Wonder** : I am not a loser!

 **Baby Girl** : THAT PICTURE IS NOW MY NEW SCREENSAVER!

 **JJ:** Emily you can’t give drugs to a recovering addict!

 **Boy Wonder** : Marijuana is not a narcotic. While it can have some addictive qualities, like most things, I do not have an issue with dependence on it.

 **Baby Girl:** How can you sound so sober while high? XD

 **Boy Wonder** : Practice :D

 **Bossman:** You two are FBI agents, you cannot do illegal drugs! How are you two going to pass a drug test if Strauss issues a random one, huh? You can be thrown off the team.

 **Baby Girl:** I can feel Hotch’s anger from here LOL

 **Boy Wonder** : I am a genius and know how to pass a drug test. I have before. Plus, recreational marijuana is legal in Washington D.C.

 **The Italian:** Relax. It’s just weed.

 **Em:** Why do I get the feeling Rossi smokes weed?

 **Bossman:** Ughh… How is this team one of the best in the FBI?

 **Hot Chocolate:** Hold on, Spencer. You had a problem with me, so you went and got high? That isn’t healthy at all.

 **Em:** Oh, calm down, he had like two puffs, he is barely high at all.

 **Hot Chocolate:** That doesn’t make it any better.

 **Boy Wonder** : What are you gonna do Der, spank me?

 **The Italian:** No, I would say he is pretty high. 

**Hot Chocolate:** ….. I- uhh…

 **Boy Wonder** : Ohh I have a new leather paddle with the word ‘Daddy’ on it in red. You could always use that.

 **JJ:** Spence… You should probably stop talking.

 **Boy Wonder** : I even have a school girl skirt ;D

 **JJ:** Emily, make him stop.

 **Em:** No way, he is telling me about his impressive toy collection. Whips, floggers, crops. This Bat boy likes to be spanked XD

 **Hot Chocolate:** Wow…. No words…

 **Baby Girl:** That gay panic getting a little easier to deal with?

 **Hot Chocolate:** He just told me he wants to be spanked with a paddle that says ‘Daddy’ while wearing a schoolgirl skirt, that is hard to panic over.

 **Boy Wonder** : My offer to come upstairs still stands, Der.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Shit… I will be there to pick you up from Emily’s in a few minutes, baby boy.

 **Boy Wonder** : Yesssss

 **The Italian:** No having sex while he is high. He can’t consent.

 **Hot Chocolate:** I am well aware.

 **Boy Wonder** : Aww…

 **Bossman:** I need another drink..

 **Em:** I have more weed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Anything you want me to cover? Things you like, dislike, whatever, let me know! Btw you can always anon my ask box on Tumblr if you don't want to post on here. Thank you for reading!!
> 
> Also, when should I end this? I really have no clue. I feel like it's getting too long but at the same time, I am having fun with it.
> 
> Also, also, that picture with Emily and Spencer, that isn't MGG, it's Paget's husband but let's use our imaginations :D
> 
> In this chapter, I use the term "Gay Panic" and some people find this term upsetting due to the "[LGBTQ+ "Panic" Defense](https://lgbtbar.org/programs/advocacy/gay-trans-panic-defense/)" often called gay panic. I personally, as a member of the LGBTQ+ will not let the homophobes take the word from me and I will continue to use it. However, I urge all of you to review the link provided to learn what you can do to stop this legal defense in the United States. Thanks!


	20. It's Halloween!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the chapter I planned on putting out next, but this is the one I wrote because I NEEDED a Halloween chapter :D

**BAU Group Chat**

**7:21 PM October 31 st **

**Hot Chocolate:** Anyone heard from Spencer or know where he is?

**Bossman:** Why do you only message in this chat when you lost Reid?

**Hot Chocolate:** And why do you normally always know where he is??

**Bossman:** I think the better question is: why doesn’t he tell you, but he tells me?

**Hot Chocolate:** Don’t start with me, Hotchner! Do you know where he is or not?

**Bossman** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Hot Chocolate:** DID YOU REALLY JUST SEND ME A SHOULDER SHRUG EMOJI??!

**JJ:** Oh calm down. Just ask @Baby Girl to find him.

**Hot Chocolate:** Baby Girl!! Help me before I kick Hotch’s ass and get fired

**Baby Girl:** No. I am ignoring you.

**Hot Chocolate:** What? Why?

**Baby Girl:** You haven’t talked to me AT ALL. And I STILL don’t know what happened after you picked Reid up from Emily’s and that was a month ago!

**Hot Chocolate:** Oh hush woman! This is the first day we have had off in like a month. It’s not my fault we have had back to back cases, it’s Hotch’s.

**Bossman** : Yes, because I can pick when serial killers strike -_-

**JJ** : You two are being children.

**JJ** : And stop using emojis Hotch… it’s weird.

**Hot Chocolate:** Hotch started it..

**Bossman** : I did not.

**JJ** : Point proven..

**JJ** : What did happen between you and Spence that night though? I haven’t had a chance to ask him.

**Hot Chocolate:** Uhh.. Not much. He was high so we curled up on his sofa and watched some weird show called Ancient Aliens while eating Fruit Loops..

**Baby Girl:** BUT DID YOU TWO KISS???

**Hot Chocolate:** Yes.. Now can we move on?

**Baby Girl:** YAY!! How was it?

**Hot Chocolate** : Apparently we can’t move on..

**Hot Chocolate** : Uhh.. A little awkward at first but great. He is a surprisingly good kisser.

**Bossman** : I know, right?

**Hot Chocolate** : Jesus Fucking Christ, Hotch! I WILL fight you!

**JJ:** I think he is just messing with you at this point.

**Bossman** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Hot Chocolate:** Omg..

**Hot Chocolate:** Baby Girl can you pleasseee just tell me where he is at now so I can get out of this GC with Hotch

**Baby Girl:** You know you didn’t even need me to find them

**Hot Chocolate:** Them?

**JJ:** Oh yeah, where are Emily and Rossi?

**Baby Girl:** Don’t you guys ever check your Instagram stories?

**Hot Chocolate:** Rossi and Spencer don’t have Instagram.

**Baby Girl:** You’re right, lovely, but Emily does!

**JJ:** Omg what are they doing?

**Bossman** : I don’t have an Instagram.

**Baby Girl:** I got you Bossman!

**Baby Girl:**

**Baby Girl:**

**Baby Girl:**

**JJ:** Why does Rossi really look like Spence’s dad in that picture? 

**Baby Girl:** Why do I get the feeling that none of them are sober XD

**JJ:** Rossi did mention that weed wasn’t a big deal

**Baby Girl:** Omg I was talking about drinking but them all getting together and not inviting us so they could get high makes so much sense…

**Hot Chocolate:** Who the hell is the person with the pumpkin on their head?

**JJ:** Uhh, that would be your boyfriend.

**Hot Chocolate:** No way!

**Baby Girl:** She’s right, see. 

**Baby Girl:**

**JJ:** Yeah, he soo doesn’t look sober

**Hot Chocolate:** Why do I find that adorable..

**Baby Girl** : Because you’re a simp, remember?

**Boy Wonder:** Not my boyfriend and I am sober!

**JJ:** Spence! What are you guys doing??

**Boy Wonder:** It’s Halloween!!

**JJ:** That doesn’t explain anything… Why is there a pumpkin on your head?

**Bossman:** Are we not going to talk about the footie PJs or bedsheet cape he is wearing?

**Boy Wonder:** Because it’s Halloween!!!!

**JJ:** And this is supposedly one of the brightest minds in the FBI…

**Baby Girl:** That is also supposedly sober XD

**Boy Wonder:** Hey! I AM sober, someone had to drive.

**Boy Wonder:** Also, Emily wanted me to wear one of her skirts and be something called an ‘E-girl’, but the skirt was too long so Emily put me in this.

**JJ:** What even is ‘this’?

**Em:** He is the ghost of Halloween’s past XD

**Hot Chocolate:** Too long??

**Boy Wonder:** Yes, I like my shorts and skirts around mid-thigh. Emily’s went down to my knees.

**Hot Chocolate:** Damn.. That’s hot. You should wear something like that for me, pretty boy.

**JJ:** I thought he already wore a schoolgirl skirt for you? XD

**Boy Wonder:** He wouldn’t let me! He said I was too high, even though I was NOT!

**Hot Chocolate:** Any high is too high for that kinda thing.

**Baby Girl:** My chocolate Adonis is such a gentleman.

**Em:** And Reid just wants to get railed XD

**Boy Wonder:** Oh shut up, pothead.

**Em:** I am not!

**Hot Chocolate:** I never took Emily for a pothead

**Boy Wonder:** Really? Didn’t you see that picture of her from high school? It screamed ‘drugs.’

**Em:** Don’t you start with me you twinker!

**Boy Wonder:** Wait.. What?

**Em:** A twink and a tweaker, a twinker.

**Baby Girl:** That sounds so cute! LOL Twinker Twinker Little Star XD

**Boy Wonder:** It’s not cute! It’s insulting, really since I am the sober one here!

**Bossman:** Why are you guys texting if you are all already hanging out together?

**The Italian:** If you start to ask questions, the whole storyline falls apart.

**Bossman:** Why do you keep saying things like that? What does that even mean?

**Baby Girl:** He is just high XD Also! Why didn’t you guys invite me??!

**Hot Chocolate:** Not you too, Baby Girl!

**Bossman:** Great.. Now this team is a bunch of disaster gays AND potheads..

**Boy Wonder:** You know, you are also a disaster gay.

**Bossman:** I am not gay.

**Boy Wonder:** Yeah, because making out with me and having me go down on you was really hetero.

**Bossman:** I thought we agreed to not talk about that again.

**Hot Chocolate:** I am good with that.

**The Italian:** It’s just weed, calm down Aaron.

**Bossman:** Why am I having to tell one of the founders of the BAU to not smoke pot?...

**Baby Girl:** Because the other one went MIA.

**Bossman:** Gideon would never have gotten high.

**Boy Wonder:** Do you really think that Gideon was that innocent?

**Hot Chocolate** : ….

**The Italian:** Jason got high and would bird watch all the time by the way.

**Baby Girl:** That just sounds wrong coming from you though.

**Boy Wonder:** From me?

**Baby Girl:** Yep, I mean.. You are kinda slutty.

**Boy Wonder:** It’s called being promiscuous but as long as I am being safe, there is nothing wrong with it.

**Em:** Hold on, Reid you didn’t… did you??

**Baby Girl:** Omg! Did you hook up with Gideon too?!

**Hot Chocolate** : Why does the topic always seem to gravitate back towards Spencer’s sex life?...

**Baby Girl:** Because it’s entertaining. When you two start sleeping together, then we will talk about that instead.

**Boy Wonder:** No, I never slept with Jason Gideon.

**Em:** Why did you specifically say JASON?? You never called him by his first name.

**JJ** : Omg, Stephen!

**Hot Chocolate:** Who is Stephen?

**The Italian:** Gideon’s son.

**Baby Girl:** Omg you slept with your mentor’s son??

**Boy Wonder:** Yep.

**JJ** : Did Gideon know?

**Boy Wonder:** No, Stephen didn’t want Gideon to know that he was questioning his sexuality until he figured it out for himself. I respected that but I think he knew.

**Bossman:** Reid you can’t just sleep with the team’s family members

**Baby Girl:** You never told him about Sean did you?

**Boy Wonder:** JJ!!

**Em:** Omg! Reid fucked Hotch’s brother???

**Boy Wonder:** In my defense, that was years ago, and it was a one-time thing.

**Bossman:** You had sex with my brother?!

**Boy Wonder:** Yep.

**Bossman:** WHEN??

**Boy Wonder:** First time and only time we met him. Remember? We went out for drinks after that cult case near the Native American reservation.

**Bossman:** Yeah, I remember that, but I was there. I didn’t see anything between you too.

**Boy Wonder:** Yeah, because he didn’t make a move until everyone left. You had to go back to Haley. JJ had to drive Elle and Garcia back because they were way too drunk, and Derek left with some woman. I think her name was Candy.

**Hot Chocolate:** Ughhh Candy was wild af, great night but I woke up alone with my watch missing.

**Baby Girl:** I mean.. Her name was CANDY. What did you expect XD

**Boy Wonder:** But then it was just me and him.

**Bossman:** So, you decided then it would be appropriate to take my brother home with you?

**Boy Wonder:** No. We hooked up in the bar’s bathroom.

**Em** : Omg Spencer Reid XD

**JJ:** This is why Spence always has condoms and lube with him LOL

**Baby Girl:** Watch out folks, he will steal your girlfriends and fuck your dads.

**Em:** Wait, Reid. Have you fucked any of our dads??

**Boy Wonder:** Do any of us even HAVE dads?

**JJ:** …..

**Hot Chocolate:** Good point.

**Em:** Does that mean we ALL have daddy issues?

**Boy Wonder:** Well I know I do.

**The Italian:** We ALL know you do.

**JJ:** Hold on, Spence! Stephen, Sean, Hotch, and now Morgan. Is there anyone else in the BAU, or related to the BAU, that you have messed around with?

**Boy Wonder:** …… no.

**Em:** For those of you that can’t see his face right now. He is biting his lip and tapping his foot. Def lying.

**Boy Wonder:** I am not!

**Hot Chocolate:** Those are definitely your tells, pretty boy.

**Boy Wonder:** Ughhhh, fine. I hooked up with Elle a few times.

**Baby Girl:** That actually makes a lot of sense! She was totally a dom.

**Em:** Morgan, your pretty boy got pegged.

**Hot Chocolate:** ……..

**Boy Wonder:** ……..

**Baby Girl:** Anywayyy How was Sean? He was soo hot. How did he compare to Hotch?

**Hot Chocolate:** Baby Girl!

**Baby Girl:** I am just curious!

**Boy Wonder:** I will only say this, Hotch really is the BIGGER brother.

**Baby Girl:** OMFG! I always knew our fine leader had to be PACKING XD

**Em:** Or Hotch is small and Sean is just smaller

**Bossman:** I am not small!

**Em:** SUREEEEE

**Bossman:** Tell them, Spencer!

**Baby Girl:** OMG XD

**Em:** You can't get your subordinate to back up your dick size for you LMAO

**Boy Wonder:** No comment.

**Hot Chocolate:** Ha Ha Hotch.

**Bossman:** Ugh! Forget you guys!

**Hot Chocolate:** Byeeee

**Boy Wonder:** Der, you should come over! We are at Rossi’s now

**The Italian:** Not even ask the host before you invite your boyfriend over?

**Boy Wonder:** Not my boyfriend.

**Hot Chocolate:** Why is he always so quick with that?

**Em** : I mean, he HAS never had a boyfriend or girlfriend before.

**JJ:** Omg, Spence is scared of commitment.

**Boy Wonder:** Don’t profile me or I will uninvite you!

**JJ:** To be fair, you never invited me to begin with.

**Boy Wonder:** Ohh..

**The Italian:** You all can come over if you want as long as you don’t mind being around weed, even you Hotch.

**Em:** No narcs!

**Hot Chocolate:** We are FBI agents.. We are the narcs…

**Baby Girl:** I am in! I hate feds!

**Hot Chocolate:** YOU ARE A FED!

**JJ:** I can’t but you guys have fun.

**Boy Wonder:** Der, you coming or not?

**Baby Girl:** The way he calls him ‘Der’ <3

**Hot Chocolate:** Ugh, of course. Be there in 20 minutes, baby boy.

**Bossman:** ……… I need a new job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you all think! 
> 
> Feel free to leave ideas here or on my Tumblr. Also, to the anons on my Tumblr that left those ideas, I haven't forgotten about them! Thanks for reading!!!
> 
> Btw the "twinker" line came from lovely livvy1843. Check them out on AO3 and Tumblr :D 
> 
> Also! I wrote a side fic that goes between chapters 20 and 21 that is not in text format, [On the Third Date](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27597355).  
> You do not need to read it to understand the next chapter but it does go into detail on Morgan and Reid's relationship and Morgan coming to terms with dating a man. Also, smut.


	21. Not my Boyfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WAIT!**  
>  I wrote a side fic that goes between chapters 20 and 21 that is not in text format, [On the Third Date](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27597355).   
> You do not need to read it to understand this chapter but it does go into detail on Morgan and Reid's relationship and Morgan coming to terms with dating a man.

**BAU Group Chat**

**10:36 AM Monday**

**Em:** Anyone else see that?

**JJ:** See what?

**Baby Girl:** What am I missing out on now?!

**Hot Chocolate:** Calm down Baby Girl. I didn’t see anything, and I am sitting right next to her.

**Em:** You mean you didn’t watch Reid sit down?

**The Italian:** I noticed that at the morning meeting.

**JJ:** I don’t get it.

**Em:** He winced.

**Bossman:** Reid, are you hurt?

**JJ:** I still don’t get it.. Did Spence get hit or something?

**The Italian:** More like tapped.

**Bossman:** Huh?

**Em:** ‘Pretty Boy’ got RAILED

**Bossman:** …….

**Baby Girl:** Derek Morgan! THIS is how I get to find out?

**Hot Chocolate:** It just happened last night!

**Em:** Fucking your boyfriend on a school night, such a deviant.

**Boy Wonder:** Not my boyfriend

**Hot Chocolate:** You ignore everything else and answer to that.. Great.

**Hot Chocolate:** Wait, hold on. Spencer, I hurt you?

**Boy Wonder:** Not any more than I wanted you too.

**Baby Girl:** Woah!

**Em:** Guys you all heard it first, our resident genius is a pain slut XD

**Bossman:** I could have told you that.

**Baby Girl:** WOAH!

**Hot Chocolate:** ……. Excuse me, Hotchner?

**Bossman:** Not again.. I mean that I profiled that! You are all trained profilers; I can’t be the only one that noticed it.

**Em:** He does seem to put himself in harm's way a lot.

**JJ:** Always taking off his vest.

**Boy Wonder:** I thought we weren’t supposed to profile teammates…

**The Italian:** I didn’t have to profile it. He has come to work with bruises around his wrists and neck before.

**Hot Chocolate:** Hold the fuck up, who held you down and choked you??

**Em:** Overprotective boyfriend much?

**Boy Wonder:** Not my boyfriend

**Hot Chocolate:** You know you could let one of those go…

**JJ:** I mean.. Someone did choke him, Emily.

**Boy Wonder:** It was consensual.

**Hot Chocolate:** By who??

**Em:** Probably his butt-buddy from the eighth floor XD

**Boy Wonder:** Which time?

**Baby Girl:** Omg, our boy genius is into BDSM :O

**Boy Wonder:** It’s pretty common actually. Rossi is too.

**Baby Girl:** DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH ROSSI?!

**Boy Wonder:** Ugh. I will never be able to mention something sexual about someone else without you thinking I had sex with them… But no, we have just talked about it before.

**The Italian:** Nope. I am the only one on this team that doesn’t want to fuck Reid.

**JJ:** I DON’T EITHER!

**Baby Girl:** Eww no! He is like a brother!

**Boy Wonder:** I feel so wanted.

**Em:** Did Reid just use sarcasm? XD

**JJ:** I want you, just not in me… Or the other way around…

**Baby Girl:** Anyone else notice that Emily and Hotch didn’t say they wouldn’t.

**Em:** I would totally dick Reid down.

**Hot Chocolate:** Not you too…

**Em:** Ohh don’t worry! I would peg him just to try it out, like if we were really bored or drunk, but he is not my type. I like blondes.

**Em:** Hotch on the other hand..

**Bossman:** I am sorry if I am busy working, like you all should be.

**Bossman:** Besides the fact that three of you are in the same room together.

**Baby Girl:** But Me, JJ, Rossi, and you are all in separate offices and I refuse to be left out again!

**Bossman:** Just get to work.

**Em:** We don’t have a case yet and Reid is doing all the paperwork, calm your tits.

**Boy Wonder:** I am not doing all the paperwork!

**Boy Wonder:** How did all of this paperwork get on my desk?!

**Hot Chocolate:** You really should pay more attention kid.

**JJ:** …Emily you can’t tell your boss to calm their tits…

**Em:** Sooth your boobs?

**Bossman:** No.

**Em:** De-stress your breasts?

**Boy Wonder:** If Emily gets fired I get her desk chair!

**Hot Chocolate:** Damnit! I was just about to call that.

**Bossman:** No.

**Em:** Adjust your bust before it combusts?

**Bossman:** No.

**Baby Girl:** HAKUNA YOUR TATAS!

**Hot Chocolate:** Omg Baby Girl XD

**Bossman:** …. One of these days I am just going to quit.

**Bossman:** Enjoy stress-free days

**The Italian:** Yeah, right. You will die here like the rest of us.

**Em:** Yeah, you might just have a.. Rack attack LOL

**Em:** Get it? Like rack? ..boobs?

**Em:** No one? COME ON!

**Boy Wonder:** Emily you know it’s not possible to have stressed out breasts and even if someone did, it wouldn’t kill them.

**Boy Wonder:** So, the joke makes no sense.

**Em:** You’re picking on me?? At least I don’t have to be hit by a 16-wheeler in order to cum!

**Boy Wonder:** It’s not even like that! I just like a normal, healthy amount of pain in my sex life.

**The Italian:** Pain and healthy aren’t two words you normally hear together.

**JJ:** And that is why you are having a hard time sitting today.

**Baby Girl:** Derek Morgan, you need to be more careful!

**Hot Chocolate:** He told me to go harder, so I went harder. I figured he would say something if it hurt.

**The Italian:** That was your first mistake.

**Boy Wonder:** I would have told you if it hurt too much.

**Bossman:** Reid, you were hit in the face by an assault rifle then kicked repeatedly by me in the LSDK case, and then told me that you were fine, with a smile. You wouldn’t say anything.

**Boy Wonder:** That is probably not the best example..

**Em** : See. I am right.

**Boy Wonder:** Morgan tell them I don’t need “to be hit by a 16-wheeler in order to cum”

**Hot Chocolate:** No thanks.

**Boy Wonder:** Hotch, you tell her!

**JJ:** Wait.. What?

**Bossman:** It’s today. Today will be the day I quit..

**Hot Chocolate:** Do not murder your boss today. Do not murder your boss today. Do not murder your boss today.

**The Italian:** Looks more like today will be the day you die at work.

**Baby Girl:** ANYWAY! We completely got off topic! How was Reid in bed?? Did it do cartwheels? XD

**JJ:** Omg PG LOL

**Boy Wonder:** I don’t get it.

**Em:** It’s a song! Pussy Talk by City Girls.

**Hot Chocolate:** Someone make Emily stop singing..

**Bossman:** You can’t sing a.. ‘pussy’ song in the middle of the FBI bullpen.

**Baby Girl:** LOL HOTCH SAYING THE WORD PUSSY

**Em:** Someone get him to say it out loud.

**JJ:** Noo I would die XD LMAO he would sound so ridiculous

**Bossman:** …. I can feel your respect from here.

**JJ:** We respect you at work.

**The Italian:** I don’t.

**Bossman:** You are at work right now!

**Boy Wonder:** Wait.. I don’t have a pussy.

**Hot Chocolate:** I am well aware ;D

**Boy Wonder:** One man said I had a bussy once, but I am not sure what that means.

**JJ:** Nooooooooo not the BUSSY

**Hot Chocolate:** I don’t get it.

**Bossman:** Same..

**The Italian:** You guys need to get out more.

**JJ:** How do YOU know what that means??

**The Italian:** I get around.

**Baby Girl:** Google it you three.

**JJ:** Omg LOL

**Em:** And hit images.

**Boy Wonder:** Done. That actually makes sense.

**Hot Chocolate:** Why did you make me Google that in the middle of the FBI bullpen!?

**Em:** I guess Morgan doesn’t like looking at “Boy Pussy” XD

**Hot Chocolate:** No.. I mean yes.. Idk! That is just a weird name for.. that.

**Bossman:** Why did I use my work computer to google that…

**Em:** You liked it.

**Bossman:** …..

**Boy Wonder:** It’s just slang. Like the term Fuck Hole.

**JJ:** SPENCE NOOOOOO

**Baby Girl:** MOMMY, DADDIES YOUR SON SAID A BAD WORD!

**Em:** MORGAN YOUR BOYFRIEND JUST SAID FUCK HOLE

**Boy Wonder:** Not Boyfriend.

**Hot Chocolate:** Omg Spencer! What is up with you and that??

**Boy Wonder:** What do you mean?

**Hot Chocolate:** You know what I mean! Every time someone says you are my boyfriend, you deny it.

**Em:** This is awkward…

**Boy Wonder:** Yeah, because it’s not true.

**Hot Chocolate:** We have been dating for almost two months, that is pretty close to a boyfriend.

**Boy Wonder:** Derek, we have been on three official dates and had sex once on my sofa, that doesn’t automatically mean we are in a relationship.

**Em:** Ouch…

**Hot Chocolate:** I didn’t say it did! But you are acting like a child about it.

**Bossman:** Uhh.. Let’s all just get back to work.

**BAU Group Chat**

**3:21 PM Monday**

**Hot Chocolate:** Has anyone seen Spencer?

**Baby Girl:** He was working in Hotch’s office.

**Bossman:** He left here half an hour ago.

**JJ:** I think I saw him going into Alex’s office like 20 minutes ago.

**Hot Chocolate:** Alex? From the 4th floor?

**JJ:** Yeah, they moved to our floor the other day.

**Em:** I can see Alex’s door from my desk.. the door is shut.

**Baby Girl:** OMG didn’t slutty boy genius say he hooked up with them once?? :O

**Hot Chocolate:** Yeah..

**Em:** Someone is jealous!

**Hot Chocolate:** …. Does he have work to do with Alex?

**Bossman:** Not that I know of..

**Em:** Hotch is jealous too XD

**Bossman:** No! He just should be working.

**The Italian:** Just go knock on the door.

**Em:** He is going now.

**Em:** Morgan, he said to knock on the door! Not hold your ear up to the door!

**Em:** Oh, he looks pissed.

**JJ:** We can always count on Emily for the play by play.

**Hot Chocolate:** …. I heard Reid ask Alex, “Like that? Do you like it like that?” ……. fuck...

**Baby Girl:** Don’t worry, handsome! It’s probably not what you think!

**Hot Chocolate:** Idk what to think! Apparently, we aren’t even together, just sometimes going on dates and fucking on his sofa, so what do I know?

**Em:** Do you honestly think he would screw Alex like 20 feet from your desk?

**JJ:** Spencer wouldn’t do that. You both agreed to not see other people too.

**Baby Girl:** Anyone else hear the banging sound coming from Alex’s office?

**Em:** I just want to know why they get an office, but I still don’t have one?

**The Italian:** You’re not that important.

**Em:** Screw you, grandpa! I am too!

**Em:** I am the number one bad bitch of the BAU

**JJ:** What about me??

**Em:** You’re under me as always.

**JJ:** …

**Hot Chocolate:** Are you all forgetting about Reid and Alex??

**The Italian:** Yep.

**Em:** Even Morgan has an office, even though he never uses it and he is only good for kicking down doors!

**Hot Chocolate:** I don’t just kick down doors!

**Bossman:** Prentiss, you have been on the team the shortest, you are not getting an office.

**Hot Chocolate:** Ha Ha Emily.

**Bossman:** Just open the door. Rip the band-aid off.

**Baby Girl:** I agree! He is either doing something wrong or not, just walking in will tell you that the fastest.

**Em:** You mean kick the door down because that’s all he is good at? I agree too.

**Hot Chocolate:** Emily go to your office, oh wait. You don’t have one, newb.

**Hot Chocolate:** Okay. I will do it.

**Em:** Did he just call me a newb?

**Baby Girl:** Give me the play by play, Em!

**Em:** He swung the door open even though I know he wanted to kick it.

**Em:** Someone made a girly yelp. I think it was Reid XD

**Em:** Someone threw a stapler at Morgan and it landed outside of the door, missing. I think that was Reid too, he has shitty aim.

**JJ:** It’s not that bad.

**Bossman:** You haven’t tried to train him to shoot, it’s that bad.

**The Italian:** Yeah, that makes me feel safe being in the field with the kid -_-

**Em:** He was just shoved out of the room by someone with long, way too thin, arms. Definitely Reid.

**Hot Chocolate:** Alright.. I was wrong.

**Baby Girl:** What was happening?

**Boy Wonder:** I was just helping Alex move some of their office furniture and hang a few pictures!

**Em:** Ohhhh, “Like that? Do you like it like that?” makes a lot more sense now!

**Baby Girl:** So does the banging sounds..

**Boy Wonder:** This is why I never shared my sex life with you all! I tell you guys that I have casual sex sometimes and now you all think I am a cheater and a liar. 

**The Italian:** I didn’t.

**Hot Chocolate:** I am sorry, pretty boy. I was just upset.

**Boy Wonder:** Do you really think I am some whore?

**Hot Chocolate:** No! Come on out of there kid, we need to talk.

**Boy Wonder:** No. I might as well stay in here and fuck Alex since you already think that is what I am doing.

**JJ:** Sorry to ruin your plans Spence but we have a case. Conference room in five minutes.

**Boy Wonder:** Great..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Suggests, comments, input, etc are always welcome! 
> 
> Thank you all!!


	22. Say Please.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap: Last chapter Reid went to help an agent named Alex move into their new office near the BAU bullpen. Morgan didn't know this and thought Reid was messing around with Alex as they have a history together. This was also after Morgan got mad at Reid for being so adamant that Morgan was not his boyfriend. Before they could work it out, they had a case come up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based on Faceless, Nameless 05x01. I will not be including what happened with Foyet and Hotch though, just the case and Spencer getting hurt. The scene starts out with half of the team (Hotch, Emily, and Spencer) driving to Dr. Tom Barton’s home and the other half (Rossi, Morgan, and JJ) going to Jeffrey Barton’s school.

**BAU Group Chat**

**8:21 am Thursday**

**Baby Girl:** Be safe!

 **JJ:** Thanks PG!

 **Em:** Hopefully this is an easy one. We literally just got back from a case last night.

 **Baby Girl:** It should be cut and dry, right? I mean you already have the initials of the unsub.

 **JJ:** That is if those were actually the unsub’s initials..

 **Em:** Ughhh Hotch said stop talking about the case in the group chat or he will delete the chat.

 **JJ:** Can he even do that?

 **Em:** He said he will order Garcia to do it

 **Baby Girl:** And Garcia would just create another one without him :D

 **JJ:** Hotch would be lowkey heartbroken.

 **Em:** He said no he wouldn’t, but his face looked a little sad.

 **JJ:** His face always looks a little sad

 **Baby Girl:** No, it always looks a little mad XD

 **Em:** Hotch didn’t like that. His face went >:[

 **JJ:** He is driving, how is he even reading this??

 **Em:** Reid is reading it out loud for him.

 **JJ:** Spence is a traitor! :O

 **Baby Girl:** Reid.. Reading.. DID YOU GUYS KNOW REID’S NAME IS READ AND HE READS A LOT?!

 **JJ:** Penelope.. He has been on this team for years and you are just NOW realizing this?

 **Em:** Did you know that there are 128,422 people in the U.S. with the last name Reid.

 **Baby Girl:** What is happening..

 **Em:** Statistically Reid is the 263rd most popular last name in the United States.

 **JJ** : …. I don’t like this.

 **Em:** I mean, that is what Reid just said.

 **JJ** : Oh. That makes sense.

 **Baby Girl:** The world is right again!

 **Baby Girl:** Anyway, call me when you guys get there so I can start sending over information!

 **Boy Wonder:** If you could go ahead and start compiling information about Dr. Barton’s patients, that would really help.

 **Baby Girl:** I am already on it, pumpkin!

 **Boy Wonder:** Thank you, Garcia

 **Hot Chocolate:** Oh, so Reid can speak, huh?

 **Baby Girl:** Oh no..

 **Boy Wonder:** First off, this is texting. Not speaking.

 **Boy Wonder:** Second, of course I can, just not to you.

 **Hot Chocolate:** You can’t keep ignoring me, kid!

 **Em:** But.. He really can..

 **Boy Wonder:** Sorry, I can’t hear you. I am too busy being a whore, a liar, and a cheater.

 **Em:** Omg REID

 **JJ:** When will this end..

 **Hot Chocolate:** Grow up, Spencer. You know I never said any of that!

 **Boy Wonder:** Sorry, what was that? I am too busy being railed by all these people I am a whore with to hear you.

 **Em:** That was weird to read since I can see you in the rearview mirror, not being railed.

 **JJ:** Wouldn’t it be ‘read you’, not ‘hear you’

 **Baby Girl:** Shhh don’t anger it, JJ. Angry Reid is scary.

 **Em:** More like childish.

 **Em:** He just kicked my seat and Hotch yelled at him XD

 **Hot Chocolate:** Damnit. I never said you were a whore! I was just concerned that you weren’t answering me and then you were alone with a person you admitted to having sex with, what would you think??

 **Boy Wonder:** I would think you were simply busy with someone you know. I know you wouldn’t just go off and have sex with someone without asking me.

 **Em:** Asking you??

 **Em:** Anyone else get the feeling that Reid is poly

 **JJ:** Technically he has only been in noncommittal relationships with multiple people at a time, so that fits.

 **Em:** You totally learned the word ‘noncommittal’ from that Lizzo song

 **JJ:** … maybe, but it works!

 **Baby Girl:** I don’t think bringing up that Reid has never been in a monogamous relationship is helping.

 **Boy Wonder:** I am right here you know.

 **Em:** Yeah, we know.

 **Hot Chocolate:** …..

 **Baby Girl:** Maybe you should just say sorry, handsome?

 **Hot Chocolate:** I have already apologized to him! 3 times!

 **Boy Wonder:** I do not accept it.

 **Boy Wonder:** You might be sorry for your actions but that doesn’t change the fact that you thought I was fucking Alex just feet away from you

 **Em:** Can we not go through this again? The last case was bad enough with you two fighting.

 **The Italian:** More like Morgan fighting and Reid ignoring him

 **Baby Girl:** Rossi, I thought you were driving.

 **The Italian:** We just got here

 **Bossman:** So did we. Morgan and Reid, I do not want you two working on this case at all together. If you must communicate, do it through Garcia.

 **Baby Girl:** Why am I the middle-woman??

 **Bossman:** Because you encouraged their relationship and now it’s blown up

 **Baby Girl:** I wasn’t alone!

 **Em:** Come on we couldn’t just sit back and watch as Morgan hopelessly flirted with Reid while Reid was completely oblivious.

 **Baby Girl:** And look how far they have gotten

 **Baby Girl:** They even had sex!

 **JJ:** I don’t think you are helping, Garcia..

 **Boy Wonder:** Our relationship has not blown up..

 **Hot Chocolate:** It hasn’t?..

 **Bossman:** Everyone to work, NOW.

 **Em:** Yes, DAD.

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid**

**12:03 pm Thursday**

**Derek:** Spencer, please talk to me.

 **Spencer** : Yes, because after 2 days, 21 hours, 14 minutes, and 43 seconds of me ignoring you, a simple ‘please talk to me’ will work…

 **Derek:** … You did just message back though… so it did work.

 **Spencer** : ….

 **Spencer** : I am working, and you should be too.

 **Derek** : Jeffrey is at lunch right now and I am trying to ‘blend in’ as a teacher.

 **Spencer** : Yeah.. Because teachers text during school hours. Get to work, Morgan.

 **Derek** : Come on baby boy.. I’m sorry. Really. Can we just move past this?

 **Spencer** : Hold on, Hotch has a message for you.

 **Spencer** : 

**Derek** : … You had Hotch flick me off…

 **Spencer** : Yep.

 **Derek** : I should be insulted but I’m more curious about how you managed to get Hotch to take a photo like that.

 **Spencer** : I’m cute, I have my ways.

 **Derek** : … You know saying stuff like that doesn’t help, right?

 **Spencer** : Damnit Derek. You have to trust me.

 **Derek** : I do, with my life.

 **Spencer** : That’s not the same and you know it.

 **Spencer** : I have to work now, Morgan. Bye.

 **Derek** : Yeah, bye Pretty Boy..

**BAU Group Chat**

**2:29 pm Thursday**

**Em:** We got the unsub guys.

 **Baby Girl:** YAY!!

 **JJ:** Awesome. Why didn’t you just call though?

 **Em:** Uhh, it’s a bit loud over here right now.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Why? Is the unsub freaking out or something?

 **Em:** … No…

 **JJ:** Emily, out with it.

 **Baby Girl:** WHY DID I JUST GET AN ALERT THAT AN FBI AGENT DOWN AT DR. BARTON’S HOUSE?!?!?!?

 **JJ:** What??

 **Em:** There was a bit of a shootout with the unsub, but no one died ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **JJ:** Did you just send a shoulder shrug emoji for a shootout…

 **The Italian:** Is Hotch okay?

 **Bossman:** I wasn’t the one that was shot.

 **JJ:** It was Spence?? Is he okay?

 **Hot Chocolate:** Prentiss answer your damn phone right now!

 **Em:** Calm down, I’m busy.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Spencer was just shot, and you are TOO BUSY

 **Baby Girl:** Maybe she is stopping the bleeding, King.

 **JJ:** Reid hemorrhaging while Emily sends a text

 **Bossman:** Wouldn’t it just be easier to call at that point

 **The Italian** : No, this is a texting fic.

 **Hot Chocolate** What the hell does that even mean??

 **Baby Girl:** He means we text in this house!

 **Bossman:** We aren’t in a house.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Am I the only one worried about Spencer here???

 **Em:** He gets hurt ALL THE TIME. It’s just his normal at this point.

 **Bossman:** Reid is fine. He was shot in the leg and is on his way to the hospital right now with nonlife-threatening injuries.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Define nonlife-threatening injuries.

 **Em:** Put it this way, he tried to say he could walk it off.

 **Baby Girl:** He tried to walk off a bullet wound?

 **JJ:** He would.

 **The Italian** : He is the dumbest genius possible. 

**Hot Chocolate:** Ugh, which one of you is with him? What hospital is he heading too?

 **Em:** Reid shot the unsub, so I am riding in with him.

 **Bossman:** I am finishing up here at the Barton’s.

 **Hot Chocolate:** So he is alone??

 **Em:** He has the EMTs

 **Baby Girl:** He is probably telling them the history of EMTs and ambulances right now XD

 **Hot Chocolate:** He was shot!

 **Em:** I am sure it was just a graze. He didn’t seem too bothered.

 **Bossman:** Calm down Morgan, go ahead and head to St. Mary’s hospital, and let Rossi and JJ handle the rest at the school.

 **The Italian:** He just took our SUV.

 **Em:** I have the Uber app, I will order one for you two.

 **The Italian:** What the fuck is an Uber??

**BAU Group Chat**

**3:13 pm Thursday**

**Hot Chocolate:** You guys said it was no big deal, but he is in SURGERY!

 **Baby Girl:** Wait, why?? Is he okay??

 **JJ:** They probably just need to remove the bullet.. right?

 **Hot Chocolate:** I don’t know, they won’t tell me anything because I am not his POA.

 **Em:** Who is?

 **Bossman:** That would be me.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Why the hell does your name come up so much when talking about Spencer

 **Baby Girl:** Because they are in love.

 **Baby Girl:** See.

**Baby Girl:**

**JJ:** …..

 **Em:** …..

 **Hot Chocolate:** …..

 **The Italian:** …..

 **Bossman:** Garcia.

 **Baby Girl:** Okay, fine. I photoshopped that.. but isn’t it cute!

 **Hot Chocolate:** Not at all

 **Baby Girl:** Don’t worry babe, I have some ~SPICY~ photoshopped photos of you and your pretty boy.

 **Hot Chocolate:** …. Show me later.

 **Em:** ANYWAY

 **Bossman:** I am Reid’s power of attorney because I am the unit chief. It used to be Gideon.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Whatever.. Can you just get down here so I can find out what is going on?

 **Bossman:** Say please.

 **Em:** Omg Hotch lmao

 **Hot Chocolate:** No way!

 **Bossman:** I guess you don’t care about Reid, how sad.

 **Baby Girl:** Sassy Hotch is my favorite XD

 **Hot Chocolate:** WTF I never said that!

 **Bossman:** You don’t want to know how he is, so I guess you don’t care ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Hot Chocolate:** God damn it Hotchner! Fine. Will you *please* come here?

 **Bossman:** We actually just pulled up. Rossi was driving Emily, JJ, and me.

 **Bossman:** But good job using your manners.

 **Em:** Omfg XD

 **Baby Girl:** Lmao Bossman!

 **Hot Chocolate:** …. I really hate you all sometimes

**BAU Group Chat**

**6:14 pm Thursday**

**Boy Wonder:** Who decided to leave Morgan up here to watch me??

 **Bossman:** Me. It was either leave him with you or having him forcibly removed.

 **Boy Wonder:** Have him removed. I had a nurse kick him out.

 **Em:** Must have been one hell of a nurse.

 **Boy Wonder:** It was an older petite woman.

 **Em:** … That’s embarrassing for you, Morgan.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Spencer told the staff to get her to kick me out because he knew I wouldn’t fight with a small old lady…

 **Baby Girl:** Oh what a gentleman

 **The Italian** : Or coward.

 **JJ:** How are you feeling, Spence?

 **Boy Wonder:** Like my kneecap was shattered by a 9mm bullet.

 **Hot Chocolate:** He is in pain and moody but refuses pain medication.

 **Boy Wonder:** I don’t need any. I am fine.

 **The Italian:** Kid, you just had your knee put back together. Let them set up that sweet morphine drip.

 **Boy Wonder:** I am more of a Dilaudid fan myself.

 **Bossman:** Reid..

 **Boy Wonder:** Yeah, yeah..

 **Hot Chocolate:** They offered non-narcotic medication, but he turned that down too. 

**Boy Wonder:** It is going to make me loopy. It’s like getting high on laughing gas. Very unfulfilling and you can still feel some of the pain.

 **Bossman** : Reid, take the pain medication or I will put you on an extra two weeks of leave.

 **Boy Wonder:** This is an abuse of power.

 **Em:** Hotch’s face is doing that >:[ thing again.

 **Baby Girl:** I told you, that is just his face XD

 **Bossman** : ….

 **Bossman:** Morgan go tell that nurse that you are scare of to give him the medication

 **Hot Chocolate:** Already done.

 **Boy Wonder:** Fine. But I don’t want Morgan coming back in here.

 **JJ:** Spence, stop being like that. He already said sorry.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Don’t worry, I won’t go in but I’m not leaving.

**BAU Group Chat**

**7:01 pm Thursday**

**Bossman:** Did Reid take his medicine?

 **Baby Girl:** You sound like such a dad :D

 **Boy Wonder:** A daddy!

 **Em** : I think that would be a yes.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Ugh. Yes he took it. He is loopy af, and sleepy but he won’t nap.

 **JJ:** Did he at least let you in the room?

 **Boy Wonder:** No! He just came in!

 **Boy Wonder:** He is nice to look at though.

 **Baby Girl:** Yeah he is :D

 **Boy Wonder:** Garcia is trying to steal my man :O

 **Baby Girl:** He was mine first, sweetie XD

 **Hot Chocolate:** Baby Girl stop messing with him. He is now whining about how you are just so much prettier than him that he has no chance.

 **Baby Girl:** Oh no Baby Genius! I am not trying to steal him from you, he is ALL yours.

 **Boy Wonder:** Yessssssssss

 **Em:** LMAO XD

 **JJ:** Spence, I thought you were mad at Morgan.

 **Baby Girl:** Why would you remind him??

 **Boy Wonder:** I am!! He ate my damn Jell-O!

 **Hot Chocolate:** They brought you more!

 **Boy Wonder:** IT’S GREEN

 **Em:** And.. Green is bad?

 **The Italian:** I think it’s called lime.

 **Boy Wonder:** It’s green and green is very bad.

 **JJ:** I wasn’t talking about the Jell-O, Spence. Remember, you were mad at Morgan about him thinking you were sleeping with Alex.

 **Boy Wonder:** Huh? I did have sex with Alex. It was an alright lay, but we weren’t that sexually compatible.

 **Baby Girl:** Wait what?

 **JJ:** I think he is talking about the first time, not in Alex’s office.

 **Boy Wonder:** Yep.

 **The Italian:** Am I the only one wondering how Reid is ‘loopy af’ but can still type actual sentences?

 **Boy Wonder:** Practice :D

 **Bossman:** Don’t ask..

 **JJ:** Anyway.. Are you still mad at him over that?

 **Boy Wonder:** How could I stay mad at Derek?? He is just so hot

 **Em:** Ew XD

 **Hot Chocolate:** Thanks, Spence. You are pretty hot too.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Also, fuck off Emily.

 **Boy Wonder:** OMG

 **Boy Wonder:** WAIT

 **Bossman:** What is going on?

 **Boy Wonder:** CAN I STILL HAVE SEX WITH MY BROKEN KNEE?!

 **Em:** One track mind.

 **JJ:** I mean, I would think so, right?

 **Baby Girl:** I just looked it up, want me to send you what I found?

 **Hot Chocolate:** Spencer is currently yelling at the doctor because he told him he should wait a week in order to keep any strain off of his knee.

 **Hot Chocolate:** …He is now lecturing the doctor on all of the positions he could be in to have sex while not moving his knee….

 **Em:** Omg Reid stopp

 **Hot Chocolate:** They should never of given him that medicine...

 **Bossman:** Ha ha.

 **Hot Chocolate:** Ugh it’s going to be a long night..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back! I meant to post this last night but my computer completely fried, even though I JUST had it fixed. I am borrowing my spouse's computer now. 
> 
> The second photo (with Hotch and Reid) is a photoshopped picture but I didn't do it. If someone knows the name of the person that did, let me know so I can give them credit.
> 
> As always, I welcome ideas for this fic, preferably on Tumblr but you can email me as well. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Thank you all for being so patient and I hope you all had a great holiday :D


	23. Fucked up Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter Spencer was shot in the knee and he now has a week off work.

**BAU Group Chat**

**9:51 am Monday**

**Boy Wonder:** Guys

**Boy Wonder:** Hey guys

**Boy Wonder:** Someoneeee

**JJ:** Spence what is it

**Boy Wonder:** I am boredddd

**Hot Chocolate:** Hush baby boy. Take a nap and enjoy your time off.

**Em:** Ew don’t call him that in the group chat

**Hot Chocolate:** Shut it Emily.

**Boy Wonder:** I don’t wanna nappppp

**10:02 am**

**Boy Wonder:** I don’t want time off.

**10:11 am**

**Boy Wonder:** Someone talk to me!

**10:23 am**

**Boy Wonder:** Do we have a case?

**10:32 am**

**Boy Wonder:** I can still help!

**10:39 am**

**Boy Wonder:** I can work cold cases!

**10:46 am**

**Boy Wonder:** I can do paperwork!

**10:50 am**

**Boy Wonder:** My knee doesn’t affect my brain!

**10:57 am**

**Boy Wonder:** Even on pain meds, I am still a genius!

**11:04 am**

**Boy Wonder:** GUYYYSSSSSSSSS

**The Italian:** Garcia how do I mute Reid too?

**Boy Wonder:** Too??

**Boy Wonder:** You all have muted me?!

**Em:** Rossi this is a GROUP chat you old fuck

**JJ** : ….did you just call Rossi an old fuck?

**The Italian:** Aaron..

**Bossman:** Yes?

**The Italian:** Fire Emily.

**Bossman:** Nah.

**The Italian:** She called me an old fuck

**Em:** Cause you are an old fuck.

**Baby Girl:** Daddy is tattle-telling to other daddy.

**JJ:** He is grandpa.

**Baby Girl:** Grandpa is tattle-telling to daddy

**The Italian:** Aaron..

**Bossman:** Ha ha Dave

**The Italian:** I hate it here.

**Bossman:** We all do. Get over it.

**Baby Girl:** I like it here!

**Boy Wonder:** DID EVERYONE MUTE ME?!

**Bossman:** I did.

**Boy Wonder:** Daddy muted me..

**Bossman:** Stop making me daddy…

**Em:** You like it.

**Baby Girl:** You upset our baby brother, daddy!

**Bossman:** This is a fucked up family.

**Baby Girl:** :O daddy said a bad word

**Bossman:** Garcia, you muted him too.

**Baby Girl:** …… I am running away

**Boy Wonder:** GARCIAAAA REALLY??

**Em:** She was the one that told us how to mute you.

**Baby Girl:** I am putting myself up for adoption.

**Boy Wonder:** Screw you guys!

**JJ:** In our defense, we are trying to work and you are being annoying.

**Em:** Way to say that nicely XD

**Boy Wonder:** I am not annoying.

**Bossman:** Yes you are.

**Boy Wonder:** Suck a dick, Hotch!

**JJ:** Spence! You can’t say that to your boss!

**Em:** Why not? Hotch said it to him

**Baby Girl:** Omg XD

**Bossman:** That’s not even what happened

**Baby Girl:** Ohh then what exactly did happen??

**Bossman:** No.

**Em:** Where is Morgan? He should be throwing a fit right now.

**Boy Wonder:** DID HE MUTE ME TOO??

**Bossman:** He muted everyone. He is up with Strauss.

**Em:** Ew.

**JJ:** Why?

**Bossman:** Apparently when Reid was in the hospital a different agent thought it was odd that Morgan and Reid were so close and took it upon themselves to tell Strauss.

**Em:** Wtf? Who does that??

**Baby Girl:** Oh no.. are they going to get in trouble?

**Bossman:** No clue. I tried to argue with her that they were just close friends and that they work well together but she refused to hear it and wanted to speak with Morgan directly.

**Baby Girl:** Look at Hotch, willing to lie for his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s boyfriend XD

**Bossman:** I am going to go rat them out now.

**Baby Girl:** Noooooo

**Boy Wonder:** I am no one’s boyfriend but why did Strauss not call me?

**Em:** Oh not that again -_-

**Boy Wonder:** What?

**Em:** That ‘not my boyfriend’ shit

**JJ:** Emily is grumpy today

**Boy Wonder:** Her menstrual cycle started today.

**Baby Girl:** ………

**JJ:** ………

**Em:** What the fuck, Reid?!

**Boy Wonder:** What?

**Em:** How do you know that and why would you TELL EVERYONE?!

**Baby Girl:** ALSO! That is not why a woman might be grumpy!

**Boy Wonder:** It is a normal bodily function, nothing to be embarrassed about.

**Boy Wonder:** And on two different occasions I overheard you tell JJ that you started your menstrual cycle. They were both around the same date, taking into account the average menstrual cycle, I calculated yours.

**Em:** That is creepy af!

**JJ:** Eww Spence! Why would you even think about that?

**Boy Wonder:** I don’t understand the issue. My brain just automatically calculates it. I know when yours and Garcia’s is too.

**Baby Girl:** OMG NOOO

**JJ:** SPENCE!

**Bossman:** Reid… Men are supposed to pretend women don’t get periods.

**Boy Wonder:** Why?

**Bossman:** Idk, social norms?

**Boy Wonder:** Mmm.. But that is dumb.

**JJ:** Why would you even want to know??

**Boy Wonder:** Well, I didn’t learn the dates on purpose. It was an accident, but I remind the janitor for our floor to restock to the sanitary pads and tampons when the dates are coming up.

**Em:** That… is actually kinda sweet.

**Baby Girl:** Wait! Are you the reason our floor has feminine products when the others don’t??

**Boy Wonder:** Yep. I went over the budget reports for Strauss and allocated some funds for those items. They are necessary, so they should be free like toilet paper. I plan on meeting with the board in a few weeks about this.

**Em:** …..

**JJ:** I feel bad for being angry now

**Baby Girl:** Omg our baby genius is such a feminist!

**Boy Wonder:** Speaking of Strauss, that reminds me. Garcia, can I have Strauss’s direct line to her office?

**Baby Girl:** Sure thing, sent!

**JJ:** What are you going to do?

**Em:** Does anyone have eyes on Strauss’s office?

**JJ:** Why didn’t Strauss call Spence if she thought Morgan and him were doing something wrong?

**The Italian:** She is scared of the kid

**JJ:** What XD

**Baby Girl:** How is she scared of Reid but not Hotch??

**Em:** Reid is like the weakest one of us. Probably in the whole FBI

**JJ:** He is not that bad!

**Baby Girl:** Even I was able to pin him when Derek and I play spared with Reid like a month ago. I am not even in the field XD

**Bossman:** Reid is weak physically but there is a reason he was allowed into the FBI despite that.

**The Italian:** The kid is too smart for his own good.

**Boy Wonder:** I am back.

**Boy Wonder:** And bored again.

**Em:** Wait here comes Morgan

**Baby Girl:** What happened??

**Hot Chocolate:** No idea, Strauss was tearing into me about the fraternization policy, and then she answered the phone, got all quiet, and told me I could go.

**Bossman:** Reid… what did you do?

**Boy Wonder:** Nothing really. I just reminded her of a few ‘business’ expenses I saw on the budget when I was helping her go through it and also reminded her that section chiefs are not immune to the fraternization policy.

**JJ:** She let you see her section of the budget?

**Boy Wonder:** Not really. She was trying to find the office supply and toiletry section, but I saw all of it for a second.

**Baby Girl:** And you memorized it that quick??

**Boy Wonder:** Yep.

**The Italian:** I told you, too smart for his own good.

**Hot Chocolate:** Pretty boy, does that mean we aren’t going to get in trouble?

**Boy Wonder:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Bossman:** I feel like you should care more about your job

**The Italian:** Says the man that is texting instead of working

**Bossman:** You are texting too, Dave.

**The Italian:** I don’t care about my job though so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Boy Wonder:** I am convinced that Rossi is just a teenager stuck in a 70 year old body

**The Italian:** 70?? I am not 70!

**Boy Wonder:** Really? :O

**JJ:** Coulda fooled me.

**Baby Girl:** No wayyy! I thought grandpa was pushing 80!

**Em:** Old fuck

**The Italian:** I quit.

**Bossman:** I’m joining you.

**Em:** Good riddance.

**Baby Girl:** Who will run the BAU then??

**Boy Wonder:** I call dibs!

**Em:** No way! They would never let a 20 year old twink be the unit chief of the infamous BAU.

**Boy Wonder:** I am not a twink! And I am 27!

**JJ:** Coulda fooled me.

**Hot Chocolate:** If Rossi wasn’t here or didn’t want the position then it would most likely go to me.

**Em:** Not fair!

**Hot Chocolate:** I have been here the longest and I have covered for Hotch before when he was out.

**JJ:** He is right, he would be the best choice.

**Em:** Ugh I am not calling you sir though!

**Boy Wonder:** I would, Sir ;D

**Hot Chocolate:** Ohh you like that baby boy?

**Boy Wonder:** Yes, Sir!

**Em:** Hotch, make them stop.

**Bossman:** I wish I could..

**The Italian:** If Strauss couldn’t stop them then I doubt Aaron can.

**Baby Girl:** Hey Hotch, if you can’t beat them, join them ;)

**JJ:** Calm down you two XD

**Em:** Maybe he should stop taking that medicine if he is gonna act all weird -_-

**Boy Wonder:** I am not acting weird

**Hot Chocolate:** He has refused to take it since I brought him home Friday..

**JJ:** Why?

**Boy Wonder:** One, cause I don’t need it or want it, and two, because that asshat of a doctor slipped an Rx for Oxycodone in my discharge papers.

**Boy Wonder:** I told him about my previous issues and that I did not want a narcotic, but he gave me a script for them anyway! So I will not be taking anything he gave me.

**Em:** Asshat?

**Baby Girl:** Omg he did what?!

**JJ:** Isn’t that illegal?

**Bossman:** It’s legal, just wrong.

**Em:** You mean fucked up.

**Bossman:** Yep.

**Hot Chocolate:** What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me, Spencer?

**Boy Wonder:** I don’t know. I didn’t think about it.

**Hot Chocolate:** You have been staying with me since Friday and you didn’t think to bring it up?

**Boy Wonder:** Sorry, I threw away the script and filed a complaint against the doctor. I didn’t think it was something I needed to tell you.

**Baby Girl:** HOLD ON, you two have been staying together for like 3 days now??

**Boy Wonder:** Yes, why?

**Baby Girl:** AND YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ME?!

**Baby Girl:** That’s big!

**Boy Wonder:** Is it? My apartment doesn’t have an elevator and his does. He thought it would be the easiest for me and my knee.

**JJ:** Spence, that is kind of big. Most people wouldn’t just offer to let someone stay with them unless they were dating or family.

**Boy Wonder:** I stayed with Hotch a few months ago when my apartment had no air conditioning for a few days.

**Em:** Ohh reallyyyy?

**Boy Wonder:** He offered once I brought it up

**Baby Girl:** Got anything to say for yourself Loverboss?

**Bossman:** I was just being kind; he could have gotten overheated at his place.

**The Italian:** The kid is from Las Vegas. I am sure he would have managed.

**Boy Wonder:** He was just being nice. He even let me sleep in his bed.

**JJ:** Woah..

**Baby Girl:** Omg shameless Hotch

**Hot Chocolate:** Hotchner.

**Bossman:** Reid you forgot to include that I slept on the sofa!

**Boy Wonder:** Oh, I didn’t think that part was important.

**JJ:** That’s the part that stops your not-your-boyfriend-Boyfriend from killing your really-not-your-boyfriend-but-wishes-he-could-be-your-boyfriend-Boss.

**Boy Wonder:** Huh?

**Baby Girl:** HE DIDN’T DENY IT

**Bossman:** How could you even understand that?

**Hot Chocolate:** Hotch, a word in your office?

**Bossman:** No thanks

**JJ:** Did anyone else just see Hotch leave?

**Bossman:** It’s lunchtime. See you all in an hour where we WILL be working.

**Em:** That pussy ran away.

**JJ:** Emily! You can’t keep calling people names!

**Boy Wonder:** I don’t understand why that is used as an insult. Vaginas are actually quite strong.

**Baby Girl:** DO NOT ADD MORE FACTS TO THAT.

**Boy Wonder:** But.. I know so much..

**JJ:** Noooooooo

**Baby Girl:** No less.

**Boy Wonder:** Ugh I am bored again.

**Boy Wonder:** Der, come over for lunch.

**Hot Chocolate:** Already on my way.

**JJ:** You making something for lunch?

**Boy Wonder:** Nope, but I do have something he can eat.

**JJ:** I don’t get it..

**Baby Girl:** Oh, Jayje.. Just give it a second

**JJ:** …..

**JJ:** NO! SPENCE! I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT

**Em:** Apparently bored Reid is also horny Reid.

**BAU Group Chat**

**1:03 pm Monday**

**Em:** I come back from lunch and find these two at my desk.

**Em:**

**The Italian:** I am waiting on Morgan.

**JJ:** I was just waiting for you.

**Baby Girl:** Aww cute, but why are your feet in her drawer.

**Em:** Cause she is short.

**JJ:** We work with three men over 6 foot, I am going to always look short.

**Baby Girl:** Rossi is the shorty.

**The Italian:** I am 5’11’’, close enough.

**Em:** Still the shortest guy.

**The Italian:** I am pushing 80, what do you expect?

**Baby Girl:** XD omg

**The Italian:** Has anyone seen Morgan? I needed to ask him about a case file.

**Baby Girl:** @Hot Chocolate, where are youuuu

**Hot Chocolate:** On my way. I had a distraction.

**JJ:** What?

**Hot Chocolate:** This.

**Hot Chocolate:**

**Baby Girl:** OMFG! How does our little BAU baby look hot??

**The Italian:** Is he naked?

**JJ:** I didn’t need to see this...

**Em:** Yep, he is naked.

**Baby Girl:** Who knew Reid was hiding that under his little sweat vests :O 

**Em:** I would peg that.

**Baby Girl:** OMG is this an after sex photo!

**Em:** Eww… He looks so fucked out though and that’s weird.

**Boy Wonder:** Derek! You took a photo of me!

**Hot Chocolate:** You were looking right at me, I thought you knew!

**Boy Wonder:** Just look at my face, do I look like I was thinking straight??

**Em:** There is nothing straight about what had just happened between you two.

**Baby Girl:** Omg Emily XD

**Baby Girl:** Hold on! Hotch got this photo too XD

**Hot Chocolate:** Damn.. Didn’t think about that.

**Boy Wonder:** It’s fine. He has seen me shirtless before.

**Hot Chocolate:** …. What?

**Boy Wonder:** He came to my apartment and I answered the door wearing a towel, remember?

**Hot Chocolate:** Oh yeah.

**JJ:** Hotch hasn’t said anything yet

**Baby Girl:** no thoughts, head empty = Hotch

**Bossman:** I am actually working.

**Baby Girl:** He liked what he saw.

**Bossman:** Hotch can’t come to the phone right now. Please don’t leave a message after the beep.

**Baby Girl:** BEEP!

**Em:** Pussy.

**Baby Girl:** Thank you for leaving a message!

**JJ:** Sorry to break up this insulting voicemail message but we have a case.

**Boy Wonder:** Nooooo

**Boy Wonder:** I am going to be so boredddd

**Boy Wonder:** Let me come!

**Boy Wonder:** I can help!

**Boy Wonder:** Please!

**Bossman:** Reid! Stop that and I will send Anderson over with some cold cases.

**Boy Wonder:** Yes!

**Baby Girl:** Don’t answer the door in a towel this time!

**Boy Wonder:** Don’t worry. I will wear panties.

**Hot Chocolate:** I actually used those as a cum rag.

**Boy Wonder:** The green ones?

**Hot Chocolate:** Yep

**Boy Wonder:** Damnit Der! Those are silk too!

**Em:** I have so many questions…

**JJ:** It’s best not to ask…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That photo of Spencer was photoshopped (not by me) btw, but let's pretend. 
> 
> Let me know what you all think! Thank you!


	24. SSA Asshole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder, Spencer was shot in the knee and was given a week of leave, and is staying at Derek’s place because he can’t get up his apartment stairs. 
> 
> This chapter includes sexting (kinda?) so a lot of the jokes revolve around that. Also, in case you didn’t read it, [On the Third Date](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27597355) (the fic that goes into Spencer and Derek’s outside of text message dating/sex life) has Spencer mention that he enjoys wearing woman’s underwear when he is not working because they are softer and don’t bother his skin like men’s underwear do.

**BAU Group Chat**

**6:23 pm Wednesday**

**Boy Wonder:** I am bored!

**Bossman:** Reid, we are on a case.

**Boy Wonder:** Let me help!

**Bossman:** No.

**Em:** I thought you were working on cold cases.

**Boy Wonder:** It’s been two days and Anderson only sent over three files and I solved them.

**Boy Wonder:** The first one was a suicide, and the note was not forged as they thought.

**Boy Wonder:** Second, the ME clearly marked that the victim had a history of heart issues and then they died from a heart attack like event. That shouldn’t have been a cold case at all.

**Boy Wonder:** The third, the unsub was someone that was already interviewed.

**Boy Wonder:** The forth, Professor Plum killed Colonel Mustard with a candlestick in the Conservatory.

**JJ:** That’s nice, Spence.

**Boy Wonder:** Really guys..

**Boy Wonder:** That was a good joke!

**Boy Wonder:** And it was by me! I made a relevant joke!

**Baby Girl:** No board game is relevant, pumpkin.

**Em:** I wasn’t paying attention.

**The Italian:** I am ignoring you.

**Boy Wonder:** Ughhhhhh

**Hot Chocolate:** We are trying to work, pretty boy. Maybe watch that new Dr. Who box set.

**Boy Wonder:** I watched it already :/

**Em:** Rewatch it.

**Boy Wonder:** I have an eidetic memory, Emily. If I wanted to re-watch it, I could just close my eyes.

**Em:** Then close your eyes and don’t bother us.

**Boy Wonder:** Rude.

**Boy Wonder:** Garcia, send me the case info. I can do the geographical profile from here.

**Baby Girl:** Sure, one second.

**Bossman:** No, Garcia.

**Baby Girl:** Oh come on, he just wants to help.

**Bossman:** No.

**JJ:** Why can’t he just help?

**Bossman:** He has orders from his doctor not to resume work for one full week, so the bureau put him on leave for a full week, which includes paperwork and work from home.

**Boy Wonder:** Hard ass.

**JJ:** Omg Spence you can’t call your boss a hard ass.

**Boy Wonder:** It’s true though.

**Bossman:** Reid..

**The Italian:** I agree with Reid.

**Em:** Same.

**Bossman:** I hate it here.

**Hot Chocolate:** Why could he do cold cases then?

**Bossman:** Because he was annoying me

**Bossman:** And because he won’t be able to submit the report until he starts work again.

**Hot Chocolate:** That’s just a loophole.

**Bossman:** I used to be a lawyer.

**Boy Wonder:** Now he is just an ass.

**Em:** I like moody Reid the best.

**Bossman:** Moody? More like childish Reid.

**Boy Wonder:** SSA Asshole

**Em:** This is what you get for hiring a child.

**Boy Wonder:** I am not a child!

**The Italian:** You were hired at 22. That’s pretty much a child.

**Boy Wonder:** We can’t all be 70, Rossi.

**The Italian:** You are on your own, Aaron.

**Baby Girl:** Omg! Guys!

**Baby Girl:** SSA is just ass backwards :O

**Em:** Now I don’t know her excuse.

**JJ:** She is a child at heart.

**Boy Wonder:** Omg Der

**Hot Chocolate:** What is it, pretty boy?

**Boy Wonder:** SSA Der is RED ASS

**Em:** LMAO

**JJ:** WHY XD

**Hot Chocolate:** Or your ass after I spank you

**Boy Wonder:** Derek!

**JJ:** I didn’t need to read that.

**Baby Girl:** Do you actually spank him??

**JJ:** GARCIA!

**Baby Girl:** I am just curious!

**Em:** He is a pain slut, remember? So probably.

**Hot Chocolate:** I will tell you all about it later, momma.

**Boy Wonder:** No you won’t!

**Em:** Really? You have shared all kinds of nasty stuff, but you draw the line at spankings?

**Baby Girl:** He told us about that paddle he has with ‘daddy’ written on it

**Boy Wonder:** I was high at the time!

**Hot Chocolate:** Aww are you embarrassed baby boy?

**Boy Wonder:** No!

**JJ:** Ew don’t call him that on the group chat.

**Em:** Reid you should start an OnlyFans

**Baby Girl:** Omg noo lmao

**Boy Wonder:** What is that?

**JJ:** Don’t Spence. It’s a site where you can subscribe to someone by paying a set fee and they give you content, normally porn.

**Boy Wonder:** Oh.. No thanks. I don’t need the money.

**Em:** … That was your issue?? Not the porn??

**Boy Wonder:** Well, you’re right, I wouldn’t get many subscribers because of my knee.

**Em:** Don’t be so sure, there is something out there for everyone.

**Boy Wonder:** Devotism, the attraction to people with disabilities, normally permanent but can be temporary.

**JJ:** …. He is missing the point.

**Baby Girl:** Hotch and Morgan would watch it

**Hot Chocolate:** Fuck that, I would be in it with him ;D

**JJ:** I don’t think FBI agents are allowed to do porn guys.

**Bossman:** FBI agents are not allowed to do porn.

**JJ:** See.

**Boy Wonder:** That’s homophobic.

**Hot Chocolate:** …..

**Bossman:** That’s not even a little true. 

**Em:** Hotch would know, he is gay remember?

**Bossman:** I am not gay!

**Boy Wonder:** Well you’re definitely not straight.

**Em:** Reiddddd LOL

**Baby Girl:** Wait! You would do porn?

**Boy Wonder:** I am not against the idea, but I have no reason to right now.

**Hot Chocolate:** Wanna make a film with me later, kid? ;D

**Boy Wonder:** Please don’t call me kid while asking me to make pornography with you.

**Baby Girl:** Omg nooo XD

**Hot Chocolate:** …… my bad.

**Em:** Hold on, you are fine with doing porn but talking about spanking is too much?

**Em:** Pussy.

**Boy Wonder:** I am not a pussy!

**JJ:** Ew don’t say that either.

**Em:** REID IS A PUSSYYYYYY

**Boy Wonder:** Ugh, fine! Derek spanks me and I like it. Happy?

**The Italian:** Not at all.

**Baby Girl:** Ohh tell me more. I am definitely going to write about this.

**Bossman:** Stop writing erotica about your teammates, Garcia.

**Em:** They are great though

**Hot Chocolate:** The one she wrote about me and Spencer was hot af

**JJ:** She is pretty good at writing.

**Bossman:** Has everyone read them?

**The Italian:** Yep.

**Bossman:** Even you Dave?

**The Italian:** I’m a writer. It was simply research.

**Baby Girl:** Sureeeeeeee

**Baby Girl:** Now tell me more about the spanking.

**Boy Wonder:** No.

**Hot Chocolate:** I would but I can feel Spencer pouting from here.

**Em:** I watched this porn the other day where a chick was able to finish from this other chick just spanking her.

**Baby Girl:** No way!

**Boy Wonder:** You watch lesbian porn?

**Em:** Not the point..

**Baby Girl:** Omg do you think our slutty genius can do that??

**Boy Wonder:** ……….

**Hot Chocolate:** ……….

**JJ:** Wow.

**Em:** Well I’m going to take that as a yes.

**Bossman:** Woah.

**Hot Chocolate:** Watch it, Hotch!

**Bossman:** JJ wowed too, why didn’t you yell at her?

**Hot Chocolate:** Because her dick wasn’t in Spencer’s throat.

**Boy Wonder:** JJ doesn’t have a dick, I think.

**JJ:** Stop saying I have a dick!

**Bossman::** Stop saying the word dick…

**Em:** JJ does not have a dick.

**JJ:** …….

**Baby Girl:** Too many questions, so little time.

**Bossman:** Speaking of time, we are still working on a case.

**Hot Chocolate:** Gotta go pretty boy!

**JJ:** Bye Spence!

**Boy Wonder:** Ughhhhhhh

**Private Message**

**Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid**

**10:13 pm Wednesday**

**Der:** Babyyyyy

**Der:** We got the unsub!

**Der:** You up??

**Baby Boy:** Glad to hear it Der :)

**Baby Boy:** Did it go okay? Is everyone safe?

**Der:** Yeah, we talked the guy down and no one was shot.

**Der:** Emily whined about not getting to sit in the front seat but that’s about it.

**Baby Boy:** At least she gets an option, I am always sat in the middle seat in the back

**Der:** That’s because you are the smallest.

**Baby Boy:** I am 6’1”!

**Der:** Fine, the narrowest.

**Baby Boy:** I am going to gain 20lbs and then I will get the front seat.

**Der:** I am pretty sure even 20lbs heavier, you would still be the smallest.

**Baby Boy:** Fine. 100lbs.

**Der:** More cushion for the pushin!

**Baby Boy:** Derek!

**Der:** Oh come on, you know I will find you hot no matter your size.

**Baby Boy:** …Really?

**Der:** Yep. Right now, you are all arms and legs and so thin. I can wrap my hand around both of your wrists at once and hold you down.

**Der:** If you were bigger, I would squeeze your ass and full hips and mmm that would be great too.

**Baby Boy:** :)

**Der:** You are cute bb, I know you are probably blushing right now. Too bad I can’t see your face.

**Baby Boy:** Are you on the jet back now?

**Der:** Nope. The jet won’t be ready until the morning.

**Baby Boy:** Aww… Your place feels wrong without you..

**Der:** You trying to tell me that you miss me?

**Baby Boy:** Maybe.. Don’t get cocky about it though

**Der:** Too late. You misssss meeeeee

**Baby Boy:** Ugh. I am just going to cuddle up to your dog and sleep then.

**Der:** Noo don’t go. I miss you too, all of you.

**Der:** What are you wearing right now?

**Baby Boy:** Did you really just hit me with a ‘What are you wearing?’ line?

**Der:** Come on, it’s a classic. Now, what are you wearing baby boy?

**Baby Boy:** A knee brace.

**Der:** Spencerrrr

**Baby Boy:** Fine, fine. I am wearing one of your white undershirts.

**Der:** Anddd

**Baby Boy:** And underwear..

**Der:** Oh don’t be shy now, what kind?

**Baby Boy:** Black cotton panties…

**Der:** Mmmm I love that you wear those. Your little ass always looks so good in them.

**Baby Boy:** Thanks…

**Der:**.. That’s it? Baby, have you never sexted before?

**Baby Boy:** Uhh no. Is that what we are doing now?

**Der:** That’s what I am trying to do now. Is that okay?

**Baby Boy:** Umm, I can try.

**Baby Boy:** … What are you wearing?

**Der:** Absolutely nothing ;)

**Baby Boy:** Wait, really?

**Der:** Yep. I got to the hotel, showered and now I’m lying in bed completely naked.

**Der:** Except for this massive hard on.

**Baby Boy:** Oh.. Umm..

**Der:** Why don’t you take off those little panties baby boy?

**Baby Boy:** Yeah.. Okay..

**Der:** Are you in my bed or the guest bed?

**Baby Boy:** … Yours… Is that okay?

**Der:** Perfect, baby.

**Der:** I wish I could see you all spread out on my bed right now.

**Der:** You should send me a picture ;)

**Baby Boy:** No way

**Der:** Ohh come on, just one picture. It doesn’t even have to have your face in it.

**Baby Boy:** If it doesn’t have my face then what… Oh.

**Baby Boy:** I am not sending you a dick pic, Derek.

**Der:** Well.. that would be nice, but I was thinking a little.. Lower.

**Baby Boy:** Lower?

**Baby Boy:** Oh no, no way.

**Baby Boy:** I have never taken a photo like that.

**Der:** There is a first time for everything, baby boy.

**Der:** I mean, it’s up to you and I respect your choice but mmm.. I would love to see your ass right now.

**Baby Boy:** … I will on one condition.

**Baby Boy:** I want a dick pic.

**Der:** Mmm, baby wants to see me? You gotta deal.

**Baby Boy:** Okay… Give me a minute…

**Baby Boy:** Oh no…

**Der:** What’s up, pretty boy?

**Baby Boy:** Well… I sent it.

**Der:** I didn’t get anything.

**Baby Boy:** I sent it to the wrong number…

**Der:** Oh no XD

**Baby Boy:** It’s not funny!

**Der:** It’s a little funny. Who was so lucky to get the pic?

**Baby Boy:** Well… Remember when you put yourself in my phone as Hottie?

**Der:** Yeah

**Baby Boy:** It’s someone who is close to that…

**Der:** Oh no… Don’t tell me.

**Baby Boy:** Hotch…..

**BAU Group Chat**

**10:35 pm Wednesday**

**Bossman:** Reid…

**Boy Wonder:** I can explain!

**JJ:** Ohh what happened?

**Baby Girl:** Someone tell me!

**Bossman:** Then explain.

**Boy Wonder:** That was supposed to go to Derek!

**Boy Wonder:** He changed his name to Hottie in my phone and your name is right above it.. I clicked the wrong one.

**Em:** I gotta know now.

**The Italian:** The kid probably sent Aaron a dick pic.

**Bossman:** Not quite.

**Boy Wonder:** Don’t say it, Hotch!

**Bossman:** Okay, but I will say that I don’t think you are supposed to be bending over with your knee.

**Baby Girl:** Omg nooooo

**Em:** Reid out here sending 🕳 pics.

**JJ:** Not that emoji XD

**Hot Chocolate:** Can I get that pic now?

**Boy Wonder:** Nooooo

**Boy Wonder:** I am never sending photos again!

**Hot Chocolate:** Look what you did Hotch.

**Bossman:** I did nothing. I was trying to sleep when I got a picture of Reid’s ass.

**Baby Girl:** How was it? ;D

**Boy Wonder:** Nooo!

**Bossman:** No comment

**Em:** Hotch liked it.

**Hot Chocolate:** I mean, it is a really good view.

**JJ:** I thought Morgan would be angrier.

**Hot Chocolate:** I’m not happy but I know it was just an accident so there is nothing I can do about it now.

**Baby Girl:** We all know what Hotch will be doing tonight.

**Boy Wonder:** Nooo delete the pic Hotch!

**Em:** Didn’t you just say you were open to doing porn?

**Boy Wonder:** That is different! That is not an ass pic sent to my boss. Plus, the lighting and angle were bad!

**Bossman:** No, I think the lighting and angle were just fine.

**Baby Girl:** OMG NO LMAO

**Em:** Told you he liked it.

**Boy Wonder:** DELETE THE PHOTO!

**Bossman:** I will think about it.

**Hot Chocolate:** Hotch, send me that pic before you delete it.

**Boy Wonder:** NOOOOOO

**JJ:** They are ganging up on you, Spence.

**Baby Girl:** GANG LOL

**JJ:** Really PG XD

**Em:** He can delete the picture, but that won’t change the fact that your boss saw your 🕳

**JJ:** Stop it with that emoji XD

**Boy Wonder:** That’s it. I am dead now.

**Hot Chocolate:** It’s okay, pretty boy. Shit like this happens.

**Baby Girl:** Says the man that accidentally sent a dick pic to his mother XD

**Boy Wonder:** Goodbye world.

**Bossman:** Look who is SSA Asshole now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did no one tell me that I hadn't updated this in a MONTH. I completely forgot. Sorry guys!
> 
> I wanted to do full sexting but it felt wrong for the feel of the fic so I hope the little bit I added wasn't too much (or too little). 
> 
> Let me know what you all think! Thanks :D

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: <https://tobias-hankel.tumblr.com/>
> 
> Email: damn.tobias.hankel@gmail.com

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [On the Third Date](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27597355) by [TobiasHankel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobiasHankel/pseuds/TobiasHankel)




End file.
